VH1.com would like to welcome a new addition to our staff: former Best Aboriginal Chant Grammy nominee N!xu Jones. Disappointed over not winning a Grammy, N!xu has offered to turn gossip columnist for your favorite Web site. Here's the first of his reports from the Grammys, where he has news about that dress, that four-letter-word, that diva and that Walrus of Love. Take it away, didgeridoo maestro...
That sound you heard when Jennifer Lopez came out on the stage of Los Angeles' Staples Center to present the Best Pop Album with David Duchovny was a thousand male tongues hitting the floor. And me dropping my didgeridoo. Casting a jaded eye over the gauzy green Versace robe that barely clung to Lopez's talents, Duchovny said, "This is the first time in five or six years that I'm sure no one is looking at me."
But it's not the first time that dress has made the rounds. In fact, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell wore the same $5,000 dress to the NRJ Music Awards in Cannes only last month. The back of the dress dropped so low the tattoo just above her own rump was clearly visible. The front of the dress dropped so low that little else was left to the imagination, fitting a star who once said, "My life is a merry-go-round and it doesn't give a girl much reality."
Giving new meaning to the term secondhand clothes, secondhand rose - not that we know what that means in the first place - designer Donatella Versace first wore her own dress to the Tommy Hilfiger Gala Night at New York's Metropolitan Museum during the opening of a rock fashion exhibition. Let's hope the dress was given a wash before Lopez got to wear it.
The most quotable quote of the evening came from a Grammy legend. Talking about his honor backstage, Elton John said, "It's kind of bullsh*t, this show, isn't it?" Speaking to the New York Daily News, Billy Joel, who presented the award, thought John could have been a little more gracious, and that was before John claimed to have slept with all the boy bands.
"Elton seemed to have an agenda, and frankly, it surprised me," Joel said as a meal from Spago slowly digested in his stomach. "I feel differently about the Grammys. I've won them and lost them. It's promotion, and it's good for the music business. It's how they pat you on the back."
He later asked Elton to explain his actions and Elton had him touch one of his intimate parts. "I wanted to know, if this is how he felt, why did I have to be the one who had to fly all the way out here to do this?" Joel said. "He made me feel his pacemaker. He's got a pacemaker in his chest. So I felt it, and I said, 'Okay, I came here for Elton.' Now I can't wait to go back to New York."
Cher didn't even bother showing. She wanted to perform her Hi-NRG anthem on the Grammy award ceremony, but the producers declined the offer. Cher was also due to present the Best New Artist award, but allegedly caught a flu bug after spending the night in Miami at...Donatella Versace's place. Maybe Versace refused to give Cher a dress to wear.
And you can add the very own Walrus of Love, Love Unlimited Orchestra leader, Guru of Barry White, erm, Barry White, to the list of those who don't have much love for the Grammys. Although White took home (actually, they will have to be delivered) two Grammy awards for Traditional and Male Vocal Performance, he's still angry about an award he didn't win twenty-six years ago.
White is fuming over losing the 1974 Best New Artist Grammy to Bette Midler. The 55-year-old love machine told Reuters, "I'll never forget that, man." He didn't turn up to this year's ceremony, although he said the rain kept him indoors, and not his grudge.
"I should have got it. I was the best new artist," he said. "You don't forget things like that, man. You know there's something wrong. There's corruption or something going on." Macy Gray, this could be you. The other nominees in 1974 were the rather talented Eumir Deodata, Maureen McGovern and Marie Osmond.
White proceeded to level allegations against the Grammy committee. "It's not a fair organization," he continued. "A lot of things determine who wins Grammys: record companies, how much money they give in their parties...It's all suspect to me. I know this industry. I know it well. I'm not saying what I know." It's enough to make me want to blow "Love Theme" on my didgeridoo.