Not Necessarily the News: Revenge Of The Has-Beens

Shine On You Crazy Diamond: Diamond David Lee Roth, the former lead singer of Van Halen, will no doubt get his chance to stir up more dirt about the acrimonious second divorce from his former bandmates after an ill-fated reunion at last year's MTV Video Music Awards when his autobiography, Crazy From the Heat, hits shelves in October. What the world really wants to know from Dave, who has been fairly invisible since his last two solo albums failed to catch fire, is "how does one iron sequined chaps?"

Osmond Joy: On the subject of comebacks nobody asked for, Billboard Online reports that the toothy '70s twosome Donny and Marie Osmond will make their way back to television with "Donny & Marie," a one-hour daily talk/comedy/performance program hosted by the infamously chummy brother/sister team. The insanely perky duo, whose disco-era show made Lawrence Welk's look like a Marilyn Manson concert, hope to launch their latest

effort in the fall of 1998. Adding to the creep factor, the show is being produced by the world's oldest cryogenically-preserved teenager, American Bandstand's Dick Clark.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore: Alice Cooper, who was Manson before Manson bought his first corset, has dragged out the eyeliner for one more ring around the gravesite. Cooper, the original shock rocker, whose early '70s shows used guillotines, gallows, electric chairs and fancy gothic frocks to compliment songs from such classic teen-generate albums as Love It To Death, School's Out and Billion Dollar Babies, has apparently masqueraded as the zombie far too long as evidenced by the death-warmed-over sound of his new live recording, A Fistful of Alice. Fellow has-been Sammy Hagar slinks by for some uninspired guitar work on "School's Out," former GN'R guitarist Slash helps out on a trio of songs, and even the presence of White Zombie's Rob Zombie on a pair of tunes isn't enough to prop up the rote recording, which reprises many of Alice's greatest hits, plus a new song, "Is Anyone Home?". Hey, he said it.

Stupergroup Of The '90s: There's bad ideas, then there's Bozzio, Levin and Stevens. The alleged "supergroup," comprised of former Missing Persons drummer Terry Bozzio, former Billy Idol guitarist Steve Stevens and King Crimson alum Tony Levin (master of the dreaded Chapman Stick) have just released a "spontaneously composed" album of jams entitled Black Light Syndrome. Aside from the flashback cringes induced by the title, the meandering "songs" on the "album" -- only one shorter than eight-agonizingly-boring-Guitar-Institute-of-Technology-minutes long -- come burdened with such "provocative" titles as: "The Sun Road," "Duende," "Falling In Circles" and "Dark Corners," which is what you wish these three would crawl into once you hear the antiseptic flamenco wallpaper of "Book of Hours."

Caught Between A Place And A Hard Rock: Because the proprietors of the Hard Rock trademark know that the last thing on earth tourists want to do is choke down a plateful of authentic cuisine when they're far from home, not to mention risk sleeping in a hotel that doesn't get MTV, it was announced this week that Hard Rock Hotels and Resorts had teamed with the Singapore-based LVPL company to bring Hard Rock to every last nook and cranny on the planet. The first project is a $70 million Hard Rock Hotel & Beach Club in Bali that will feature a 100,000 square foot swimming pool with rock music piped underwater and a "center island which also serves as an outdoor performance venue." The venture is expected to result in between seven and 12 new hotels and resorts in the next 12 years. Can't you just hear it now, "Hello Jakarta, Diamond Dave here!... Lee Roth... I used to be in Van Halen... Oh, fuck it."