While Michael Jackson is off hob-nobbing with Sultans and playing birthday
parties (okay, who has the next pony ride?), the Santa Barbara Country Superior
Court is trying to figure out how to find unbiased jurors for an upcoming civil
lawsuit involving the Reconstructed One and several ex-employees. Because
Jackson's "fame" is so wide-spread (notoriety might be a better word), in an
unprecedented experiment, the Court sent out 27-page questionnaires to 200
prospective jurors to test their Jackson knowledge. Sample questions included,
"Do you feel you know Michael Jackson because of his background and fame?" and
"Do you believe that celebrities should have the same rights and be subject to
the same duties as anyone else?"
Here, then, are our suggestions for a few
additional weeding-out queries:
1) "Would the sight of a Michael Jackson's
nose sliding off his face under the hot lights unnerve you?"
2) "Would the
fact that Jackson has a tendency to wear menacing armbands, military outfits
and appear in Nazi-propaganda-like promotional videos impair your ability to
judge him as an average Joe?"
3) "Do you believe the Jackson the
ex-employees are suing is in fact the same person as the one seen reclining in
a spiffy white suit on the cover of Thriller ?"
4) "Have you ever
seen Michael and LaToya in the same room at the same time?"
5) "Do you feel
the recent discovery of primitive life on Mars answers a lot of nagging
questions about Jackson?"