Screaming Trees' Mailbox Stolen

Stealin' the guy's mailbox? Give him a break. Don't you think he's got enough to worry about?

It's said that, back in the day in upstate New York,

Dylan-happy vandals actually removed the handle of a community water pump in

reverence to the last line of "Subterranean Homesick Blues" (in which it Dylan

claimed that, "The pumps don't work 'cause the vandals took the handles").

Thirty years later, those crazy rock and roll delinquents are at it again.

These days, however, they've moved across the country to Washington state,

where someone has snatched the mailbox of Screaming Trees bass player Van

Conner. In the final installment of our series on Van, he recounts the recent

criminal activity.

"My mailbox got ripped off the other night," Conner

says, somewhat incredulously, "and there was no sheriff around. Somebody stole

my mailbox, I don't know why. It is a federal offense."

They just up

and walked off with it? "There's this thing, you know, old mailboxing fun,

where you smash mailboxes as you drive by?" Conner told us. "That old thing?

People like to do that out here a lot. And my mailbox has been hit several

times, but I always would just pound out the dents and put 'er back up. It's no

fun to hit again."

You mean if the mailbox isn't pristine? "Yeah, if it's

not nice. Then one day, I went out there, and it was gone. It had been torn off

the post, but in a nice careful way. And nobody else's mailbox was gone. They

even took out the bolts and stuff real nice, and they took my mailbox. It was

just a normal, everyday mailbox, it had our last name on it."

It must have

been a Screaming Trees fan. "I don't know," said Conner. "I wonder. I wonder

what the hell it is. But I called the postmaster and asked him what to do. And

I was just like, "Aw, I don't wanna get anybody in trouble. They can have my

damn mailbox."

You got a new one, we trust? "I got a new one. I had a white

one last time. I got a black one now, and I didn't put our name on it, and it

hasn't been touched yet. So, we'll see what happens. I was thinking about

putting on there...actually this is boring, I know, but it's my mailbox. Hey,

this is my life!"

We don't mind at all. Tell us more. "I remember when I

was a kid, my brother Lee, who's the [Screaming Trees'] guitar player, he had a

motor route, where he'd drive around and deliver papers by car out in the

country. And this one lady, somebody kept stealing her newspaper out of her

mailbox. And she put a little sign on it saying, 'If you steal my paper again,

I WILL SHOOT YOU!' An 80 year old lady! I was thinking about putting up one of

those notes, but I figured, uh, they probably have guns, too, these kids, so

hey...."

Eighty year old ladies taking aim at kids? Mailbox-thieving

youngsters packing heat? Oh, well. Chalk it all up to experience for this

year's Lollapalooza.