Challenge Chow-Down: This Holiday Menu Is Strictly For The Steel-Stomached

This holiday season, courses are less wassail and more water rat

Forget figgy pudding, and so long, sugarplums — this holiday season, we’re celebrating the culinary arts Challenge-style, which means the seasonal spread is gonna look a liiiiiiittle bit different.

Yup, while cider wassail or piping-hot latkes might have previously decorated your dining room in December, 2019 will mean cow’s eyes, pork snouts and blood cocktails will tickle your taste buds. And if you’re still hungry for dessert, don’t worry — there are rotted fish parts that’ll go great with your espresso.

Slap on those bibs, blast Bing Crosby and enjoy our start-to-finish Challenge tasting menu, which certainly isn’t for the faint of [cow] heart. And don’t forget to tip or pay your compliments to the chef, ya filthy animal!

  • APERITIF

    Layered fish oil cocktail, served in a frosted pint glass in the middle of an open field in Eastern Europe. If you thought mezcal was fresh, wait until you taste the refreshing blend of this filmy omega complex. Your Cosmopolitan could never!

  • APPETIZER

    Pickled fish soup, served in a bottle that sort of looks like a host to one of those model ships…? Anyway, we left fins, scales and guts swimming in the broth, just the way your mom used to. And if you can’t get enough, don’t worry, you’ll get a second chance to savor this delicacy once it makes its way back up.

  • ENTRÉE

    The guest will have his or her choice of slimy pork nose (we smell a crowd favorite!) hardboiled cow’s eye, cockscomb skewers (like a kebab, but might damage your esophagus!) or chicken intestine smoothie. Each served with your choice of side and also a thick layer of volcanic mud to be poured over the guest’s body. It’s in the spirit of tradition, people! Oh, and if you want to eat a literal rat’s head, we have that too. Never hurts to be prepared, as they say.

  • IL SECONDI

    Should the guest have miraculously avoided the contracting of any number of bacteria-born ailments by Course Four, we invite each to extend the experience by digging in to a literal deer head, served with sour shark and some kind of horn with blood in it, we think(?). More like cornucopi-YEAH! (Subsequent trips to urgent care included in gratuity).

  • DESSERT

    Should the guest seek to indulge his or her sweet tooth, we invite each to enjoy crickets, grasshoppers and fried frog legs. And sure, there’s a Baskin Robbins around the corner, but last time we checked, banana splits can’t kick your tonsils on the way down, and quite frankly, where’s the fun in that?