What a year to be a handsome movie star named Chris in Hollywood. (Yes, I realize that I said something similar in last year's Chris ranking, but the preeminence of famous Chrises simply cannot be overstated.) Evans, Hemsworth, Pratt, and Pine each had one significant cinematic release in 2017, as well as extremely meme-able moments and personal milestones, but which Chris reigned supreme? There can be only one.
Last year's champ, Evans, faltered at the box office with his heartfelt but ultimately forgettable indie, Gifted. And with Pine, Hemsworth, and Pratt with a superhero flick a piece, it's truly any Chris's year. But remember: There's more to this Chris-quation than box office performance. It's a science.
In addition to box-office earnings, I'll be analyzing several other factors, including critical reception, general life choices, meme-ability, and social media presence. Scoring is simple: Each Chris will receive a score in each category, ranging from highest (400) to lowest (100). So let's get back to work:
PINE (400): When it comes to box office numbers, Wonder Woman is the No. 2 domestic earner of the year with $412 million. Pine may not have been the face of the film — that honor belongs to our wonderful future president Gal Gadot — but he takes second billing as American spy Steve Trevor.
PRATT (300): Guardians of the Galaxy 2 made money, but with a $389 million cume, Star-Lord and company couldn't catch Wonder Woman at the domestic box office. (They did, however, surpass Diana of Themyscira's global totals.) The sequel also did noticeably better than the first film's $773 million worldwide haul. After a rough 2016, it looks like Pratt still has the magic touch, Passengers be damned.
HEMSWORTH (200): Taika Waititi's hilarious entry in the Marvel canon, Thor: Ragnarok, not only earned rave reviews, but it also scored Hemsworth (and his chiseled physique) his biggest Thor box office yet with an impressive $307 million domestic total.
EVANS (100): Last year, Evans was the Box Office King with Captain America: Civil War (the highest-grossing movie of 2016), but this year, his heartfelt indie Gifted — not to be confused with Fox's Gifted, a show about mutants — wracked up a total of $24.8 million at the domestic box office. With an estimated budget of $7 million, that performance isn't terrible, but it's also not the kind of money you'd think the face of Marvel could bring in. And no, I'm not counting his memorable cameo in Spider-Man: Homecoming because he wasn't part of the marketing for the film. (Don't worry. He'll be back to collect all of your money next year with Avengers: Infinity War, which also stars Pratt and Hemsworth. 2018 will bring us closer to the Chris Singularity.)
HEMSWORTH (400): Let's just say 2017 was the year Hemsworth usurped Pratt for the title of Funny Chris. For his third solo theatrical outing as the mighty Thor, Hemsworth is better than ever. Anyone who has seen Hemsworth's improvisational skills at work in 2016's Ghostbusters knows that the Aussie is unfairly funny, and Waititi — known for his own absurdist humor — really tapped into his star's comedic side. Hemsworth leans into the character's inherent dullness and instead imbues him with a comical self-awareness that was previously hard to find in the Marvel Comics deity.
Not to mention, Thor also reunited with his mortal roommate Darryl for another hilarious Team Thor mockumentary this year, written and directed by Waititi. Thor is many things: a hero, a god, an Avenger, and a pretty decent brother. One thing he's not? A good roommate.
EVANS (300): With Gifted, Evans proved that he wasn't going to let himself be boxed in by Hollywood. In this Marc Webb family drama Evans gives such an engaging and warm performance as Frank, a small-town man scraping by and raising his spry young niece, that you forget you're watching Captain America. That's a heroic feat unto itself.
Also, his cameo in Spider-Man: Homecoming was SO GOOD. Some might even call it scene-stealing.
PINE (200): Gadot may be the star, but Pine's performance as the endlessly wry and charismatic spy who steals Diana's heart is so effortless you'd think Pine was playing himself. In fact, director Patty Jenkins confirmed that Pine improvised Steve's line about being an "above average" man. It ultimately led to one of Diana and Steve's best moments. There's an endearing quality to Pine. He's not the star of Wonder Woman, but he doesn't care; he's just there to make Gadot shine. Mission accomplished.
PRATT (100): I've previously made a case for why Pratt was Hollywood's billion-dollar everyman. He does the same thing in every movie, and it clearly works for audiences. But in Guardians 2, it didn't work for some critics. Most people would probably agree that it's a fine movie. That's it. Just fine. It occasionally reaches the heights of the first film, but those moments are few and far between, and completely distilled by way too many story lines. That being said, Pratt's still gonna Pratt. He's funny, charming, and extremely diligent. (Have you seen that guy's diet?)
GENERAL LIFE CHOICES:
EVANS (400): The top of Evans's year was marred by personal tragedy when he and actress Jenny Slate split after a whirlwind courtship. (Yes, that "personal tragedy" was mine.) In March, Slate waxed poetic about Evans's "golden-colored heart" in an intimate interview with New York Magazine. "He's really vulnerable and he’s really straightforward,” she said. "He's like primary colors. He has beautiful, big, strong emotions, and he’s really sure of them."
HE’S LIKE PRIMARY COLORS. Excuse me. Not only is that the single-best celebrity profile of 2017, but it gave us genuine insight into a man who, up until that point, could have best been described as a (handsome) meathead from Boston. He’s so emotionally accessible! So it makes sense that a couple of months later, Evans and Slate rekindled their romance. Just look at how dreamy and domestic their relationship is:
PINE (300): Pine kicked off the year with a questionable awards season beard, but once I realized that this was for his role in Ava DuVernay's A Wrinkle in Time, I softened to its inevitable charms. In May he hosted Saturday Night Live and attempted to explain all of the different famous Chrises. Though, between their striking smolders, blondish hair, and impeccably muscular physiques, I'm now more convinced than ever that they are all one singular Chris.
HEMSWORTH (200): In October, Hemsworth and his Ragnarok costar Cate Blanchett graced the cover of Vogue Australia together, and honestly the photo spread is so stunning it should be printed on all Australian dollars. He also proved to be an amazing(-ly goofy) mentor to Tom Holland.
PRATT (100): In August, Pratt and Anna Faris announced that they were separating after eight years of marriage. Even worse: Their announcement came in the form of a text message that they had screenshot and posted to their social media accounts. Earlier this month Pratt officially filed for divorce.
PINE (400): Pine's entire press tour with Gadot for Wonder Woman was truly a gift to the universe. From this look to BobSponge, and don't forget about their impromptu Three's Company sing-a-long, there were too many iconic (tasty?) moments to count.
PRATT (300): Pratt's son, Jack, clearly understands that Evans is the superior Chris, as evidenced by his Captain America Halloween costume. This was also the year that Pratt discovered, via an Oh My Disney quiz, that he was actually Evans. Woah.
HEMSWORTH (200): Hemsworth missed out on Captain America: Civil War, but his playful assessment of how things would have gone if the God of Thunder had been invited to the big superhero rumble down on Earth is honestly more hilarious than anything Paul Rudd said in Civil War.
EVANS (100): Evans didn't really have a meme-able moment this year, but he did make us think his dog was dead for a hot minute — AND THAT'S JUST NOT OK. But what Evans lacked in memes he sure made up for with a fire social media strategy.
SOCIAL MEDIA PRECENSE:
EVANS (400): Evans is generally a private dude. (That, and he suffers from anxiety.) But in 2017, Evans emerged as one of the more vocal celebrities on Twitter. He mainly uses the social media app for four things: posting videos of his adorable dog Dodger (their reunion vid was just too much), ranting about the New England Patriots, reaching out to bullied kids, and calling out President Donald Trump and Neo-Nazis. This new era of Woke Chris is so inspiring that prolific comics writer Mark Waid, who's currently penning the Captain America series, tweeted at Evans, "These days I cannot write Cap without him, in my head, being you."
PRATT (300): While filming Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Pratt posted a series of silly videos that he lovingly dubbed #WHATSMYSNACK. Hey, constantly running away from CGI dinosaurs isn't easy, so he also had to eat a lot of low-carb, low-sugar snacks to get in tip-top shape. In the Instagram series, Pratt documented his snack consumption between takes (complete with a catchy theme song!), and in the process of watching each and every video I learned how to properly eat an apple. #TheMoreYouKnow
HEMSWORTH (200): Hemsworth is still the resident Dad Chris (sorry, Pratt), and as such, he never forgets to remind us that he lives a sunny and always-charmed life with wife Elsa Pataky and their three children. That, and he used social media to confess his deepest, darkest secret: that he wants to be Chris Pratt. But this was also the year that Hemsworth engaged in a "battle of the jams" with Jack Black on Instagram over the immensely satisfying use of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" in Ragnarok.
PINE (100): Last year, Pine discovered Dubsmash, but that was just a short-lived phenomenon. In fact, he's not all that interested in social media, telling Good Morning America, "I'm prone to anxiety... I found my phone made me incredibly anxious, so I just decided to kind of sever the cord, and then with this flip phone, I don't have Wi-Fi." Given his affinity for double-breasted suit jackets, it kinda makes sense that Pine would be Luddite Chris. How nice it must be to not be inundated with breaking news alerts from the New York Times every 10 minutes.
Chris Pine is the Chris of 2017. Why? Because he's the only one smart enough to unplug, step away from the burning building that is American politics, and chill with Gal Gadot. TBH, we should all be a little more like Pine in the new year.