All right, everybody, we’ve got good news and even better news: Adele has a Twitter account (duh). But on top of her signed, sealed, and verified platform with 27.9 million followers, she recently let slip that she’s got a secret one, too.
“I was looking on Twitter last night,” she said to concertgoers in Brisbane. “They don’t know I have a secret account. Well, obviously they do now, because I said that. By ‘they’ I mean my management.”
In other words, the game is on. In the wake of her 140-character-based revelations, we’re left to draw our own conclusions about what secret account Adele may or may not be lurking through. And since she’s already got a reputation for being witty and willing to speak her mind under her own name, we can only assume she helms one of the many famous-slash-infamous parody accounts we’ve seen RT’d a few times too many. Which one is it? Well, that’s where the investigation begins.
Incriminating Adele lyric: “Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare” ("Rolling in the Deep")
I mean, it’s tempting. It’s tempting to think that, horrified by the reality of a Trump presidency, Adele took to Twitter and positioned herself as a high-level staffer with an axe to grind. In a perfect world, Adele would obviously (fictionally) infiltrate the White House and take revenge on the Cheddar in Chief by exposing his rank incompetence. But this is not a perfect world, and instead we’ve got an account that just ... keeps ... tweeting. Adele’s comic timing would never allow for this.
Adele or no? I just said “never.”
Incriminating Adele lyric: “We’ve gotta let go of all our ghosts / We both know we ain’t kids no more” ("Send My Love (To Your New Lover)")
Imagine if Adele applied the maturity of “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” to the words and tweets of the president of the United States. Imagine that, like her own lyrics, she transformed raw emotion into poetry, performing a remarkable feat of alchemy on the worst person in the world. Imagine this was her greatest work of art.
Adele or no? Alas, it can’t be, because we all know her episode of Carpool Karaoke is her actual greatest work of art.
Incriminating Adele lyric: “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead” ("Someone Like You")
We’d all like to believe Bill Murray logs into Twitter and scrolls like the rest of us, so maybe that’s why this terrible phony account continues to exist. Thus, combining our wishful thinking with Adele’s own capacity for drama could maybe, possibly result in this particular parody meets social experiment. By proving the very idea of a Murray-run Twitter account to be downright tragic (face it: a great celebrity-run Twitter account is #rare), Adele reminds us that not even blind devotion can eclipse the crushing dreariness and existential angst of a bio that reads, "This is a Bill Murray Fan page, not Bill Murray."
Adele or no? As if Adele would betray herself by admitting this was all an act.
Incriminating Adele lyric: “I set fire to the rain / And I threw us into the flames / When it fell something died, ’cause I knew that was the last time” ("Set Fire to the Rain")
Like this lyric, I honestly have no idea what the @ArtBanksy account is supposed to do, or who it’s supposed to be for. It is the Twitter equivalent of something I handed in for a poetry assignment in ninth-grade English that consisted largely of Matrix dialogue.
Adele or no? Bigger question: Is Adele Banksy?
Incriminating Adele lyric: “I feel like my life is flashing by, and all I can do is watch and cry” ("Million Years Ago")
...and she is watching her life via the perspective of the most famous clock in the world. BONG BONG BONG BONG indeed.
Adele or no? As if she has the ... time.
Incriminating Adele lyric: “There’s such a difference between us / And a million miles” ("Hello")
I mean, duh: The difference between Queen Elizabeth II and the rest of us is a vast, merciless chasm. But would Adele take that literally and use a parody account to exercise said difference via tweets about Brexit or while slinging “Make America Great Britain Again” t-shirts? Are the aforementioned “million miles” less about mileage than they are about social hierarchy? And most importantly, what accent should we be reading these tweets in?
Adele or no? Adele is already is a queen — she doesn’t need to impersonate one who can’t sing.
Incriminating Adele lyric: “This is the end / Hold your breath and count to 10” ("Skyfall")
Obviously, endless screaming is the sentiment that Skyfall’s theme song was supposed to convey. Plus: You can read each tweet as a high note, as the last line of the Oscar-winning song that makes it nearly impossible to sing along with. (Or the sound of those around you as you try and sing it anyway.)
Adele or no? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH