Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities, the media, and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Vogue needs to pack its knives and go, Shaq should remember he made Kazaam, and Twitter is a hellmouth.
In case you're unfamiliar with the black woman on the left, her name is Justine Skye. She's an R&B singer who released the EP 8 Ounces last year. Which, I'll be frank, I didn't even know about. I'd probably have to hop over to "Who? Weekly" to figure out what she does, where she comes from, and if she voted for Donald Trump. In another scenario — like, say, if this were Rita Ora — I'd be fine with the “and co” shade. Except ... I have another question. Who the fuck is Lily?
Is it the brand of vodka on the table? Is it the brand of couch these women are sitting on? Veronica Mars's murdered best friend? Clicking on the link revealed that the Lily in question is Lily Donaldson and she's a model. I mean, if you say so, Vogue.
You mean to tell me you could write out this random white girl's name but you couldn't even write “and Justine”? The real stars of the photo are Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner anyway. Both girls on the left could've been “and co” and it might've been shady and funny. But this right here, on the heels of the Livejournals of a Geisha photo shoot that Vogue did with Karlie Kloss last week, is completely unacceptable.
You've been clocked, Vogue.
SHOULD VOGUE DELETE THEIR ACCOUNT? Anna Wintour's already been out here talking about putting Melania Trump on the cover of Vogue (if she ever leaves Trump Tower, where she's currently cosplaying as a kidnapped Princess Peach). The only Vogue we acknowledge is Teen.
Shaq is really out here embarrassing himself in 2017. You'd think a man who starred in a genie movie named Kazaam (that most people seem to think starred Sinbad and was called Shazam) would be enough of an L, but not for Shaq! He has a segment called "Shaqtin' a Fool" that I've never seen because I don't particularly care about basketball, but also because I love myself. For years, Shaq made regular jokes about JaVale McGee, who plays center for the Golden State Warriors. McGee, not feeling any of Shaq's jokes, called him a coon on television in 2013.
I can understand both sides here. I mean, I make jokes about celebrities on social media, but they're usually about awful celebrities who deserve it. If someone were to clap back, I could hold my own, but also, the name of this column is Delete Your Account, not something embarrassing like "Shaqtin' a Fool." On the other hand, McGee called Shaq a coon on TV, so this feud between the two of them is completely understandable, because I too would hate someone who called me a coon and then got my white coworker to laugh at it.
What Shaq didn't anticipate, however, is that Twitter feuds are a participatory sport. Shaq took things a step too far by telling McGee he would catch some hands in the streets and, well, some people were not pleased with it.
Kevin Durant, McGee’s teammate, chimed in by calling out Shaq not on Twitter, but in these actual streets.
When your feud elevates from trading barbs like shady pop stars to people questioning whether or not they can get you arrested, maybe it's time for you to take your clowning to a Kazaam 2 and let the adults play basketball.
SHOULD SHAQ DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?
Twitter has some new abuse filters. No, not the ones that will stop people from threatening to rape or kill you for daring to think that all Americans should have civil rights. They're filters designed to protect important users from having people tweet “fuck you” at them. Twitter folk have found themselves on a “time-out” for 12 hours after tweeting “fuck you” at Mike Pence or President Sunkist.
First of all, what if I've taken Pence as a lover and “fuck” is a term of endearment or a suggestion of later actions to take in the bedroom? I don't think Twitter has completely thought any of this out. But then again, maybe they have? Twitter has routinely spoken about how much traffic Trump drives to their platform. They probably want to keep him happy. After all, racists like Richard Spencer are still allowed to thrive on Twitter. But until now, we haven't been protecting and coddling them and giving them safe spaces.
If it weren't for black people, I'd honestly never go on Twitter. Send it to the wolves.