Sarah Hood

Pink Pussy Hats And Shouts To Hillary: It’s Woke Oscars Bingo

Cut out your very own Woke Oscars bingo card and play along during the show!

Giving an Oscars speech can be confusing. (I would know.) Are you supposed to thank your parents, your agent, or Jesus, exclusively? Should you take the opportunity to self-promote, self-deprecate, or self-immolate? And most significantly: should you get political, or should you shut the fuck up, you Hollywood elitist?

This year, as we rapidly approach the end of the great human experiment, that final question looms particularly large, amplified by another haunting query that plagues the patricians and the plebes alike: rage against the big, dumb, flaming machine that is the Trump administration, or pretend everything is fine, no, really, haha, it's fine, and just eventually die? It's likely that most winners will choose the former. Because, you see, my fellow couch people, this year is no normal Oscars ceremony — this year marks the very first Woke Oscars ceremony (™).

This year, anybody who didn't say anything about #OscarsSoWhite last year is correctly embarrassed. This year, everybody saw Shia LaBeouf's anti-Trump art installation and Meryl's Golden Globes speech and that Stranger Things sheriff rant and Mahershala Ali crying and they are FEELIN’ the heat. This year, the white women of Hollywood finally began to vaguely comprehend intersectionality and ... wore ... pussy hats ... at Sundance ... about it. (Small, embarrassing steps.) This year, nobody is allowed to give an award to Casey Affleck with anything less than a demonic grimace on their face and a clenched fist shaken at the sky. This year, if Mel Gibson wins for Hacksaw Ridge, everyone is required to turn on each other with hacksaws. This year, nobody is allowed to thank Jesus unless they admit that Jesus was black.

The only problem with the Woke Oscars (outside of the fact that we are talking about them at all) is that, according to a recent poll, 66 percent of Trump voters — the only people who actually need to hear these political pontifications — turn off awards shows when things get real. In hopes of keeping these voters glued to the screen, listening intently to The Enemy, we have Trojan-horsed our liberal agenda into one of the conservative population's favorite pastimes: bingo.

Sarah Hood

VMAs 2017