The Academy Awards — often colloquially known as the *reads writing scrawled on my hand in Sharpie* Oscars — is *reads my hand again* Sunday night. Presumably, many celebrities will be in attendance, and they will be wearing clothes. Hopefully ... formal ones.
In preparation, here are my highly scientific predictions about what the stars will wear.
Emma Stone, nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role / La La Land
I haven’t seen La La Land, but I’ve deduced it’s a heartwrenching story about a ragtag group of white teens who read Jazz for Dummies. Emma Stone will wear a gown made from sheet music.
Ryan Gosling, nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role / La La Land
He will wear a suit made from sheet music.
Octavia Spencer, nominated for Best Actress in a Supporting Role / Hidden Figures
Now I know it would be a bit on the nose for Spencer to wear a bedazzled NASA jumpsuit to the Oscars, but also, when else would it be appropriate to wear a bedazzled NASA jumpsuit other than the Academy Awards where you’re being nominated for a movie about working for NASA?
Meryl Streep, nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role / Florence Foster Jenkins
Why does she still have to show up to these things? If I were Meryl Streep I’d only wear a satin poncho accessorized with one of those handbags that discreetly holds an entire bottle of wine and a large pair of sunglasses.
Isabelle Huppert, nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role / Elle
On a press tour last week, the (very French) actress Isabelle Huppert was forced to answer (very American) press questions, such as, “When I go to the movies my favorite snack is ...” She answered, “No snack. No drink. No food. Just being focused on the movies. No noise.” Iconic! I hope she wears a full-length black gown with a turtleneck that goes all the way up to her eyes.
Andrew Garfield, nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role / Hacksaw Ridge
Ummm, he’ll wear ... a ... Spiderman uniform? I’m gonna be honest with you, I didn’t know Hacksaw Ridge was a movie until just now.
Natalie Portman, nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role / Jackie
Look, Natalie Portman’s baby is due any minute. If she even shows up to the Oscars, I hope she gets rolled along the red carpet in a custom Prada bed.
Images by Darcie Wilder