Lady Problems is a weekly column that looks at how the entertainment industry — and its corresponding culture and constituents — is treating women in a given week. (Hint: It will almost always be “poorly.”) Every Thursday we’ll review the week's most significant woman-centric conflicts, then provide a brilliant solution to each problem that nobody in Hollywood will ever listen to or enforce.
The Lady Problem: On the surface, Lindsay Lohan and Karlie Kloss have very little in common. Sure, both are thin, famous white women with extremely questionable taste in men and confusing ties to the luxury baking industry, and sure, both were at Karlie's World's First Fabulous Fun Fair event in London in 2015, but other than that, their extracurricular and professional lives have diverged in the Thin Famous White Women Wood. Lindsay has spent many of her recent years trying on various accents and deleting all of her Instagram photos because Islam and opening Grecian nightclubs that also somehow help refugees. Meanwhile, Karlie has kept busy starring on Bill Nye's Netflix show (?), and promoting herself as the secondary expert in turning words that begin with “C” into words that begin with “K” (the Kardashian family, of course, being the primary).
This week, Karlie and Lindsay, covered in brambles and baking flour, finally stumbled upon one another in that wood, converging as one as they both simultaneously did stupid, culturally appropriative things. Over in Vogue's “Diversity Issue” (help), Karlie posed for a photo shoot as a Japanese geisha, sporting a jet-black wig and standing very awkwardly next to a) a Sumo wrestler b) a tea house c) a forest d) a pool that was very hot. In other words, rather than hire an Asian model for this spread, or, I don't fucking know, NOT DOING THIS, Vogue and Karlie were like, “Ooh, you know what would be fun is if we developed an issue around the theme of ‘diversity,’ which is a phrase that has been rendered utterly meaningless at best, and then I dressed up like an Asian woman, specifically a traditional female role that has been bastardized by American culture to encourage fetishization and indicates passivity and deference. Whee!!!”
Elsewhere, Lindsay claimed that she — an extremely white ginger who hails from Long Island — had been the victim of racial profiling. As she told Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain (help again), while recently traveling through Heathrow Airport, she was stopped by security for wearing a headscarf. “[British Airport Security] opened my passport and saw ‘Lindsay Lohan’ and started immediately apologizing,” she told Piers. (Wait ... why? A security agent would not be criticized for being slightly wary of Lindsay, a profligate drunk driver who once said she wanted to go to jail so she could chill for a minute, and a woman who regularly played Oprah.) Lindsay added that, even after being recognized as a totally non-threatening jewel thief who assaults people in nightclubs, security asked her to “please take off her headscarf,” which she had been wearing “out of personal respect” for Turkish culture.
This harrowing moment — having to temporarily remove a headscarf and being apologized to for the inconvenience — forced Lindsay, who is neither Muslim (yet) nor any race that is regularly profiled, to do some brief, rhetorical reflection. “What scared me at that moment [is] how would another woman who doesn’t feel comfortable taking off her headscarf feel?” asked Lindsay, who gets half of a Kloss Kookie for not being completely unaware of her vast privilege. “That was really interesting to me. I was kind of in shock. It was jarring.”
As a fun chaser, Lindsay told Piers that she doesn't understand why Americans are criticizing Trump, a man who, were she actually Muslim and actually from Turkey, would proudly and joyfully racially profile the fuck out of her. “People are making it overly dramatic,” she said, confusingly. “What's the point in picking on someone in case of just seeing what they’re capable of, or not capable of?”
The Solution: Karlie has already apologized via her Twitter account, though Klossites will recall that this is not the model's first brush with cultural appropriation or confused white feminism.
By way of repenting, Karlie will do her next Vogue spread cosplaying as Bill Nye.
Lindsay will wake up tomorrow and have Freaky Friday–ed with an actual Muslim refugee from one of the countries Trump has arbitrarily decided to punish. The refugee, inside Lindsay's body, will take advantage of the mountains of privilege bestowed upon Lindsay since birth and actually do something useful with it, like stop going on Piers Morgan morning shows and start showing up at Mar-a-Lago with Dina Lohan in tow in the interest of infiltrating it and burning it to the ground. Just for example.
The Lady Problem: The Problem With Female Directors has officially gotten so bad that the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is about to sue some fucks. According to a Deadline source, “Every one of the major studios has received a charge contending that they failed to hire women directors. ...The EEOC is attempting to resolve the charges, but, if unable to, may file a lawsuit.”
Earlier this year, reports Deadline, the Directors Guild “tried to get the studios to embrace a program similar to the NFL’s ‘Rooney Rule,’” asking them to interview female and non-white candidates for directing jobs rather than just giving all of them to Michael Bay. The studios were like, “Interesting, but no?”
Meanwhile, Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson is now in talks to direct a sequel to Suicide Squad. If that sentence is not a microcosm of everything that's wrong with our country — nay, our world — I don't know what is.
Meanwhile meanwhile, a new study released by Dr. Martha Lauzen of the Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film reports that women made up 29 percent of the protagonists in the 100 top-grossing films in 2016. I don't know why you're shaking your head, you guys. This is PROGRESS, BABY!!!! ONLY 21 PERCENT LEFT UNTIL WE ARE EQUALS AND EVERYTHING IS FIXED. We're almost there! This is what democracy looks like! Last year, women only made up 22 percent of protagonists. Do you see? We've finally got a piece of the pie! Even if it's the shittiest, weirdest-shaped piece! Should we all split it? Who wants the crust? I think we have to split the crust, actually.
Sorry, I am still chewing. OK. Oh, so, OK, reading further, it looks like women only made up 32 percent of speaking characters in 2016, which is one percentage point down from 2015. And, uh, only 6 percent of women in these films were Asian, only 14 percent were black, and only 3 percent were Latina. Oh, hm. I just looked at the crust I was chewing and it's actually just dead crickets. Weird. Looks like the study also reported that female characters were “less likely than males to be seen at work, actually working, and were less likely to be portrayed as leaders. Female characters were also consistently younger than their male counterparts.” Please spit out your pie. No, you have to, these crickets are actually still alive.
The Solution: Fuck it, eat the crickets.