Lady Problems is a weekly column that looks at how the entertainment industry — and its corresponding culture and constituents — is treating women in a given week. (Hint: It will almost always be “poorly.”) Every Thursday we’ll review the week's most significant woman-centric conflicts, then provide a brilliant solution to each problem that nobody in Hollywood will ever listen to or enforce.
The Lady Problem: For more than three decades, American Girl has cornered the market on weirdly expensive dolls with cloth bodies and plastic limbs and 7,000 accessories. In part, this is because we are all suckers, and American Girl understands this and plays to it by giving its dolls “personalities” and extremely detailed backstories that correspond to various pressure points in American history. There's Samantha, the icy white Victorian bitch with 600 headbands and a “fancy coat set” whose driving motivation is “to help others.” I see you, Samantha. There's Molly, a child of WWII whose glasses and permanent braids indicate a rare intelligence and a latent fear of womanhood. There's Addy, who, for a very, very long time, was the only black doll and a Civil War–era slave (now she is joined by Melody, who dresses like Megan from Mad Men, and Gabriela, who is ready to work out at all times). There's Kirsten, who is NO LONGER AVAILABLE, HOLY SHIT, SHE WAS AN IMMIGRANT AND THIS IS TRUMP'S AMERICA, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
As you can very plainly see by Kirsten's unholy obliteration from this Earth, plus this new set of dolls whose common theme is “we all wear plastic rain boots (a.k.a. wellies)” (?), American Girl has been taking wild and ludicrous brand risks of late in an effort to avoid its own obliteration. This week, the company did the corporate equivalent of shaving its head and getting an entire-face tattoo by introducing its first boy doll. According to Mic, the next set of American Girl dolls will include a MAN.
That's right. A man. Because men were feeling left out. They needed representation. As American Girl dolls.
This man-doll will be named Logan Everett — never trust a man nor a doll with two first names — and is from Nashville, where he plays drums in a band with another American Girl doll named Tenney Grant. We don't have time to get into the name “Tenney Grant” right now. Logan will wear the classic uniform of underachieving, mediocre white men who broke up with you via text message: A t-shirt with words on it, a plaid flannel, dark-wash jeans, gray Converse, and a douchey hair floof. Logan Everett is on Tinder ironically but uses it regularly. Logan Everett has never washed his own dishes, but instead pays somebody from TaskRabbit to come over and wash them, then fucks that TaskRabbit and acts weird when the TaskRabbit texts him later. Logan Everett puts his jeans in the freezer. Logan Everett thinks Beyoncé is “overrated — am I the only one who thinks that?” Logan Everett hasn't cried in 15 years, except during Armageddon, but tells this story as a joke. Logan Everett thinks Bernie would have won. Logan Everett thinks we should give Trump a chance because he will “shake things up.” Logan Everett is a Leninist but doesn't know what that actually means.
Listen. Gender is a construct and dolls are also literally constructs. But also, like ... it's a man's world, baby! And American Girl dolls were basically all we had. Men have ruined everything they've gotten their small, filthy plastic hands into: the government, the environment, international relations, podcasts, sending nudes. The American Girl doll world was our Themyscira, an unblemished imaginary paradise where women were always the protagonists and men were incidental and/or dead. And now we must share this paradise with Logan Everett.
The Solution: Before we let a pseudo-hipster fuckhead infiltrate the ranks of three-plus decades of historically resonant girl dolls and thus begin the slide down a slippery slope that ends, inevitably, in the nuclear apocalypse, there are a series of demands that must be met. Before we can broach the topic of doll equality, we must have actual human equality. These are things that we need, as a society, before we need a Logan Everett:
• A woman president
• Free abortions and/or $800 Viagra
• The end of baseball
• Stop fucking with the ACA
• Equal pay and representation in the C-suite, Hollywood, tech industry, medicine, wow, OK, every industry really, except for dolls, we have that one (OR AT LEAST WE DID)
• Abolish prisons, except for one cell, saved for Logan Everett and Don John Trump
• If you watch football, your dick falls off
• Nobody is allowed to say “post-racial America” ever again
• Album of the Year to Beyoncé
• Actually, Trump just gets sucked into a black hole
• Free support pets for everyone except Logan Everett
• Our independence from Russia
• Police body cams
• Prince comes back from the grave and sings “Happy Birthday” to everybody except Logan Everett
• Sustainable energy only, no more FernGully shit
• The Fat Jew stops making inane products
• The Fat Jew stops
• All men have to live on the cracking ice in Antarctica until they figure out how to fix it
• We get the truth about aliens
• Free the nip
• Logan Everett falls into an ice crack
• He's OK, his limbs and eyelids are made of plastic, we just don't have to look at him
• Vagina sculptures on every lawn
• Actually, let's have only female police, thanks
• If there are aliens, we get to hang out
• Aliens save women from Earth
• We start a new matriarchal society on Jupiter
• Once that's all figured out, we launch a line of Jupiter Girl dolls
• Nobody speaks of Logan Everett on Jupiter