The Young Pope, Episodes 7 And 8: The Bastard Pope

A hot young pope road trip!!!!

As a reminder, HBO has wholly fucked with my sense of reality/the release schedule for The Young Pope by releasing two at a time, so now I am recapping both of these babies in one demented stream of consciousness. Here we go!!

Episode 7 begins with our evil lil cutie Voiello, who starts his day by watching European football in his lil soccer shorts. He takes off the shorts, for some reason, to physically exert himself as he climbs a giant staircase to meet one of the physically crumbling cardinals. They're both freaked out by the Jung Pope's executive order that banishes gay people from America — er, the Catholic Church — and Voiello reveals that he still has the photos of the the Yung Pope feelin' up Esther in the courtyard. WHAT. A. TWIST. The physically crumbling cardinal is like, "We can't release these photos. Nobody can see the Yung Pope holding a pair of tits in his hands. The world would never recover."

Tomasso tells b-baller Diane Keaton that the Yung Pope is "going through a profound crisis of faith." "He doesn't believe in God!!!!!!" he says. His hairs begin to hurt. Diane Keaton makes a face that clarifies her disbelief in this statement/her own presence on this series.

The Yung Pope puts together his pipe as if he is putting together a nuclear reactor. He stares at it, overwhelmed. It's the one his parents gave him before they left to boat around the world sexily etc. etc. etc., yes, the Yung Pope's parents dropped him off at a cool orphanage to be boat hippies, etc. etc., we get it. Though the ... missing pipe part (I know lots about pipes) was clearly dropped on his desk by Diane Keaton, the Yung Pope tells Diane Keaton that he thinks the missing pipe part was from his parents. He's confused about why they haven't reached out (hint: They are boat hippies, boat hippies always die young). "They're afraid of you, your Holiness," says Diane Keaton, poker-faced. "You gotta cut it out." Diane. He cannot cut it out. His parents are boat hippies and he is

Another Pope Dream involving a massive pile of dead babies. This time, the Yung Pope's fuckin' hot hippie mom crawls out from the pile and meets his fuckin' hot hippie dad. Everyone hugs. The end! No, sorry, we have 150 minutes left of this show. The Yung Pope stares at the photo of the bearded man breastfeeding a baby, his nose bleeding. We've all been there.

Diane Keaton and Voiello meet in what they describe as the "jungle." Diane's like, "Get your shit together, I have just faked out the Yung Pope aggressively and you need to make him sign something non-fascist before he starts trifling again." Voiello grabs her hand and she shoves him away. "Someone might see me, Diane Keaton, on this show. I mean, um, somebody might see us. Yes." She runs away into the jungle.

James Cromwell is depressed because he, Voiello, and the physically crumbling cardinal are having a boring conversation about things we already know.

1. The Yung Pope sucks.

2. The Yung Pope feels abandoned by his boat-hippie parents and is taking it out on everyone.

3. The Yung Pope is killing the church.

4. The Yung Pope's got an inexplicable year-round tan.

5. James Cromwell should def be the new Old Pope.

The only new information we learn about the Yung Pope in these many minutes is that he has taken a vested interest in Esther's baby. He is pushing said baby in a stroller while Esther and her husband stand awkwardly behind him.

Lesser Saint Ginger Peer is telling himself he is a murderer in the bathroom mirror, as one does. To clarify, he is not a murderer, but he did inadvertently cause the cute would-be priest to commit suicide by banishing him from the church for being gay-seeming but not actually gay. Yes, you understand. An older Italian woman corners him, telling him the first time she saw him she wanted to fuck him so badly she almost died. He cackles maniacally. Which is rude.

On the whole, LSGP is having a horrifying evening. He drops his crucifix in a pool, gets driven home drunk wrapped in a Burberry scarf, then is nearly raped by his de facto Uber driver. He manages to fight the rapist off but then is thrown into the streets in his underwear. It is safe to say that things are not looking up for LSGP.

Meanwhile, the Yung Pope is remembering the time he fell asleep in a field with his extremely attractive bohemian parents. "When will they be here?" he asks Diane Keaton impatiently. "Oh, soon, they're just in immigration, yes, yep, indeedy-doooooo," says Diane Keaton. Oh no, Diane Keaton. Why are you lying to the Yung Pope about his Rent-cast-member parents? This can only end in cosmic levels of destruction.

The Yung Pope's not-parents enter the room. Even though the Yung Pope's not-parents look nothing like the Yung Pope's parents, the Yung Pope's not-parents do a very convincing job of being the Yung Pope's parents, weaving a crafty tale about finding the missing pipe part in a missing-pipe-part store. The only problem is that the Yung Pope's not-mom does not smell like the Yung Pope's mom, something he realizes only after sniffing her violently for a solid 60 seconds.

LSGP and the Yung Pope are having a meeting on a sunny roof. The Yung Pope is tanning; LSGP looks slightly anxious re: the sun exposure. LSGP is like, "Dude, we really fucked up with this whole no-gay-priests thing. That one priest killed himself. Also, my life now blows." "Lucky him," says the Yung Pope. "He gets to meet God!"

The Yung Pope is demanding that Tommaso tell him who is betraying him by sending bad actors and pipe parts his way. Tommaso is like, "Literally ... I will never tell you anything ever again ... because you don't believe in God, and that's kind of your only job." He runs off, awkwardly albeit purposefully, into the distance.

Nobody is happy in the pope palace. Diane Keaton is crying. The Yung Pope is wearing sunglasses indoors to convey the fact that he is HIDING FROM HIMSELF. He decides to make himself feel better by watching The X Factor and changing Esther's son's diaper, which is filled with so much excrement he remarks on it twice.

Voiello and the Yung Pope are arguing over whether the Yung Pope's fake parents were a diversionary tactic to get him to distractedly sign a new order simplifying the great priest machine. Voiello calls the Yung Pope a murderer. Neither requests pasta e fagioli, which continues to haunt me.

The Yung Pope, out of bing-bang nowhere, tells James Cromwell he's going to resign. Wait, what?

Back in Honduras, LSGP is in trouble for fucking his constituents. The Biggest Narco Around picks him up from the airport and is like, "I can't decide if I should murder you for fucking my wife or nah." LSGP!!!!!!!

In Rome, James Cromwell is practicing his pope speech.

Except, too bad, because Diane Keaton is across town enabling. "You're fuckin' hot, AND you're a saint, AND you're Jesus come back to life, which is really cool, so you should stay pope," she tells the Yung Pope. He's like, "Hm, true." Totally convinced to not resign, the Yung Pope takes a sunglass-y stroll around the courtyard, nodding at nuns.

Unfortunately, things are not as idyllic and nun-filled for poor LSGP. He is promptly murdered for his threesome-with-the-Biggest-Narco-Around's-wife transgression. LSGP, we barely knew ye; RIP, wunderdick. The good news is, the Yung Pope still has this chin.

Now we're on Episode 8. The Yung Pope is grieving the loss of LSGP by praying underwater in a swimming pool. This is less of a Thing The Yung Pope Would Actually Do than it is a Thing Paolo Sorrentino Thought Would Look Cool, but I'm here for it.

The Yung Pope, who wants to banish gay priests, is doing this with another man.

Again, zero complaints from me.

He proceeds with his Trumpian day of massage, tennis, sitting around in sunglasses, feeling sorry for himself, and hating himself. Upstairs, Diane Keaton sobs on a bed like a normal person. "Where do planes go when they die?" muses the Yung Pope, before shitting all over a cardinal's story about a dead teenage saint named Juana who cured kids with cancer by telling them fairy tales. "Cool story, bro," he tells the cardinal. "Wish it were true."

Diane Keaton tells the Yung Pope that women are protesting his new executive order that says abortion is unforgivable. He's like, "IDGAFFFFFFFFFFFFFF." The only thing he gives a fuck about is that he is "so tired." Same. Same.

The Yung Pope is being rude to Sofia in a meeting he arranged with her. He asks her what they're doing wrong, which is an insane question, considering that he is punishing everyone in the Catholic church for being anything but straight and male while engaging in oily erotic wrestling matches with church staff. In an age-old white-people tradition, Sofia believes everything can be solved by a trip to Africa. In an age-old white-man tradition, the Yung Pope tells her that her idea, which he requested, is stupid.

A group of female protestors stand up in the Yung Pope's garden and call him a bastard with their breasts. If somebody has the means to help me arrange a similar evening at the White House, plz advise.

Continuing his extremely rough day, the Yung Pope is strolling through the Vatican gardens with his favorite author, Elmore Coen. Elmore Coen is a perv, but he says some too-real shit about writing, i.e., "Writing is a way of concealing my boundless ignorance. It's a fraud, really." Elmore. Can u not today. Thanks.

Something is wrong with James Cromwell. He and the Yung Pope make jokes about how he is filled with the devil. I love pope jokes. "I'm pope and you're not, and even though I told you I was resigning, I'm not," adds the Yung Pope as an afterthought. James Cromwell takes this relatively well. "I know you don't believe in God," replies James Cromwell, "but that's okay, you'll find the path." The Yung Pope is like, "Uh, can you show me???" James Cromwell is like, "No, sorry. All I can tell you is to go to Venice and bury two empty coffins."

The kangaroo is dead because symbolism.

Mr. Bellardo said he would buy the flowers himself. In Africa. Everyone was happy. The sun shone. The Yung Pope chowed down on a banana. Maybe, just maybe, thought the Yung Pope's posse, the Yung Pope will stop his demonic rein of terror. Maybe this banana is a sign that things will work out after all.

The Yung Pope is not coming out of the front of the plane because he is too busy praying. Jennifer has an important question to ask him, but he is not coming out. Jennifer, please calm down. Jennifer screams her question toward the front of the plane: "YOUNG POPE, IS A PEDOPHILE PRIEST BLACKMAILING U????" The Yung Pope almost crashes the plane with his mind to make a point vis-à-vis Jennifer's unruliness.

In Africa now. The air is hot, the performative white guilt even hotter. The Yung Pope runs away from the reporters in a beekeeper hat. Jennifer plotzes. A dead body lies on the ground and is never explained. The crowd cheers. Voiello explains in his beautiful marbly-mouthed way that ze papa will not be taking any photos. Sister Antonia is piiiissssed. Voiello reminds her that the Yung Pope could shut down her villages faster than Voiello could get out of his lil soccer shorts, and also that she should eat two mints because of her halitosis.

Sister Antonia proceeds to give the Yung Pope the bitchiest tour in history.

The Yung Pope pauses to confess to an African priest, "I talked to a writer about sex. I once felt a girl's legs. Clearly I pissed off Esther and her poopin' little baby because they disappeared without saying bye. I killed my lesser saint ginger peer. Finally, everyone fucking hates me." The priest doesn't speak English, which upsets the Yung Pope, but he passes him a note confirming that Sister Antonia is, indeed, a shady-ass b who exploits everyone by controlling the water supply.

Voiello tells the Yung Pope that there's been a massive increase in requests to hang out with the Yung Pope now that he's not being The Worst, just Kind Of The Worst. The Yung Pope is like, "Voiello, IDK if you know this, but I am an orphan." Somehow Voiello and the Yung Pope are friends now. Somehow this show is simultaneously moving extremely rapidly and extremely slowly. Watching it is like being trapped in whitewater rapids for 200 years.

Diane Keaton and Voiello are having a chat about whether it's true that the Yung Pope is being blackmailed by a pedophile priest. This make Voiello inexplicably horny.

Sister Antonia is holding a shady meeting. The Yung Pope out-shades her by forcing her to admit that she's a bad person with bad breath.

A day's work well done. It's midnight smoke time. The Yung Pope stumbles upon dehydrated boys licking the water off windows and then being beaten for doing so. The sight disturbs him — rightly so. The next morning, the Yung Pope gives a Wizard of Oz–esque speech, hidden from the crowd. "I always say to the children, 'Think of everything you like. That's God.' [Ed note: Proof pending that the Yung Pope actually speaks to children.] But nobody likes war. Be nice to each other, y'all. If you want to see God, you can. God is love." In other words, the Yung Pope quotes directly from Voiello's original homily, signifying that he has ChAnGeD. Also, a cover of Beyoncé's "Halo" plays, which signifies that this show is suddenly chill as fuck.

The Yung Pope sneaks into the press portion of his plane. Fuckin' Jennifer is asleep. Typical Jennifer. The only one who's awake is an old dude on his Kindle. "It was beautiful," says the Kindle enthusiast. "Yeah," says the Yung Pope. "I know."

The Yung Pope has to pee. His entourage stops at a gas station. Instead of or perhaps in addition to peeing, the Yung Pope kneels in a puddle between two giant trucks and begins to pray. "Lord," he says, "we need to talk about Sister Antonia. At this gas station. Yes, I will buy you some Tropical Skittles."

Back in Africa, Antonia is drinking fancy-ass water. Suddenly she collapses, dying on the bed of her potential nun-lover. The Yung Pope has just turned God into a contract killer.