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Only One Kylie Is Enjoying Her Day

The courts stand on the right side of ‘90s history

In major news for justice everywhere, yesterday marked a win in the legal case for control of the proprietary rights to the name Kylie. For anyone who is not familiar with what is clearly the biggest trademark struggle since P. Diddy was asked to drop the P, in 2015, Kylie Jenner filed to trademark her first name for business purposes. This came as an affront to Australian pop icon Kylie Minogue, who filed a suit in February 2016 to block the proceedings. Ms. Minogue, sometimes known as the Princess of Pop, filed a claim stating that as an artist, humanitarian, fragrance purveyor, and breast cancer survivor, her brand would be diluted both by confusion and “tarnishment” if Kylie Jenner’s trademark passed. The courts stood on the right side of ‘90s history, halting the attempt by Jenner to exclusivize her rapidly amassing Kylie empire.

In light of OG Kylie’s qualification clarification, we took some time to think about what other exclusive job titles might legally distinguish Kylie Minogue as the One True Kylie, first of her name.

OBE and Chevalier

These are the literal titles bestowed upon Kylie Minogue by multiple heads of state. OBE stands for Order of the British Empire, and Chevalier of the Ordre des Arts et des Lettres is something they award in France in lieu of knighthood. Kylie also performed at Queen Elizabeth II’s 90th birthday party, much as she will one day perform for mine.

Gay Club Messiah

Truly the Carly Rae Jepsen of her time — and also maybe the Carly Rae Jepsen of our time — Kylie has been a two-decade fountain of lifesaving club hits. Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” is a platinum banger, but let’s not forget about the “Better the Devil You Know”s that came before and the “In My Arms”es that have come since. These jams are lifesavers because of their killer EDM- and disco-inspired beats, and Minogue’s longtime advocacy for causes like AIDS awareness certainly helps her gay credibility, but we’re perhaps most grateful to Kylie for giving the world a catalogue of Madonna-esque classics that can be played on ‘80s night without first requiring a conversation with your woke friends about how, yes, we all know Madonna is problematic.

Australian Soap Opera Icon

True Kylie Minogue connoisseurs know that Kylie began her career not in music, but in the hallowed halls of one of Australia’s finest cultural traditions: the soap opera Neighbours. Neighbours has been a starmaker for years, most recently launching the career of Margot Robbie, but it was Kylie who started it all, drawing over 20 million viewers to the episode in which her character Charlene tied the knot with longtime flame Scott. The onscreen couple was so popular, Minogue even recorded singles for a while with costar Jason Donovan.

French Muse

Nailing the art-pop dichotomy before Gaga had a chance to brand it, Kylie quietly continued her acting career in 2012 with a memorable cameo in Leos Carax’s experimental anthology film Holy Motors, singing a weird, sad song about the end of a love affair before hurling herself from the top of a parking garage to her presumed death. Effortlessly highbrow.

Absinthe Apparition

In Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge!, Kylie played the flamboyant filmmaker’s vision of hallucinogenic excess as the Green Fairy who welcomes Ewan McGregor’s absinthe-guzzling artiste to the underworld. (Surprisingly, she was not credited as herself.)

MasterCard Spokesperson

Given that Kylie Jenner is the queen of Instagram endorsements, we should take note of the generational difference between the ways in which Kylies of Gen X and Gen Z go about collecting their coins. Kylie Jenner has an empire of business partnerships, keeping her portfolio diverse with lip kits and Puma ads and PacSun photo shoots. By contrast, Kylie Minogue got endorsed by your mom’s credit card 20 years ago, and girl has been holding on to her MasterCard money ever since. Mama don’t need the ’gram.

Nick Cave Murder Victim

For music lovers whose idea of perfect is a singer-songwriter adaptation of The Lovely Bones, look no further than Kylie Minogue’s 1995 collaboration with Nick Cave, “Where the Wild Roses Grow.” Cave wrote the song as a narrative duet, in which Kylie plays the part of Elisa Day — called the Wild Rose — the victim of a murder by stoning perpetrated by Cave’s unnamed killer.

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performer

Pioneer of lip-synching at major holidays, Kylie presided over New York’s tackiest public tradition in 2010. Never one to come to the table empty-handed, Minogue gave the world a lifetime of memories in this turkey-inspired coat and turban.

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Hair Plug Sugar Daddy

As we celebrate Minogue’s victory in preserving proprietary freedom for all Kylies, let’s also salute her other extraordinary news item of the day — namely, Kylie’s alleged $10,000 purchase of hair plugs for her once-fiancé Joshua Sasse. Let Kylie be your guide: If you can’t be with a man whose hair you love, buy the hair you want to be with.


VMAs 2017