Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities, the media, and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Kellyanne Conway is just working out plots for her detective novel, Rob Lowe is still trash, Kristy Swanson is canceled, and Sean Spicer is the dumbest human alive.
Well, I've been gone for a minute but now I'm back with the jump-off. So much happened during my hiatus that I could probably go on and on and on and on and on and on about Donald Trump's Twitter presence alone. But this column is supposed to be occasionally fun, and I refuse to stress myself out by looking at his idiotic tweets. Also, I blocked him when I went on vacation for several weeks to sip wine in Europe and I think I'm gonna leave it that way. Just know this: Whenever President Hi-C Fruit Drink tweets, I'm not gonna see it and I'm sure as hell not gonna fix myself to write about it. I'm just going to have another glass (fuck it, a bottle) of wine and leave policing POTUS's Twitter account to the thirsty people who love being the first person to @ reply him or fire off a joke about his tweets.
All right, then. Let's do this shit.
In case you missed it, in an interview with Chris Matthews, Kellyanne took an incident involving the arrest of two men and manufactured it into a fake event called THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE. What kind of Game of Thrones fan fiction has she been reading that she’s just throwing "massacre" around like it's free Sephora samples at the mall? I don't even think you're technically allowed to use words like massacre when your administration's secretary of education pick probably can't even spell it.
I know there's been a lot of talk about Kellyanne and her "alternative facts,” but my god, why do people keep interviewing this scheming ass drag impersonator of Amanda Woodward from Melrose Place? She's never told the truth in her entire damn life. Her boyfriend in high school was George Glass. Kellyanne probably isn't even her name, she just doesn't want people to know that when she went by Rita Repulsa she frequently committed acts of terrorism on the city of Angel Grove.
Stop having this woman on your news shows. For the love of God. She never tells the truth. The only stories she should be spinning are the kind you submit for the approval of the Midnight Society.
SHOULD KELLYANNE DELETE HER ACCOUNT? I know she never will, so just go ahead and block her so she can get her much-needed spa day and some relaxation before she ends up looking like Steve Bannon.
Should I drag Rob for worrying about the poor grandmothers who have to carry the luggage they traveled with because Americans are protesting families being torn apart by Trump's Muslim ban?
No, thankfully, Brie Larson already has that covered:
I already knew Rob Lowe was your company's unclean refrigerator after someone left an uncovered bowl of potato salad in it over the weekend. I mean, he's made racist comments about Paris's borders after 2015's terrorist attacks and racist comments about Cam Newton, but who knew we had to cancel Kristy Swanson too?
Buffy, look what you've done to me. I can't even call you Buffy anymore, that's how hurt I am. You were no Sarah Michelle Gellar, but the 1992 Buffy the Vampire Slayer was kinda cute. You are beloved by so many people because you were in this one movie. And look how you go and ruin it. People are being torn apart from their families and all you give a fuck about is your flight? The funniest part is that Rob DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND. You were thirsty for him to notice you, probably, since I doubt Joss Whedon returns your phone calls. But Rob kept on keeping on and you didn't even get a response. You were thirsting for air and he was a closed ventilator.
But as if your brazen flippantness wasn't enough, you also happen to be incredibly sexist and misogynistic to boot.
Really? You're trashing other women for being comfortable with their sexuality in the defense of a man who admitted to sexual assault? Get all the way the fuck out of here before someone is petty enough to bring up that you did your own tasteful spread in Playboy back in 2002.
SHOULD KRISTY DELETE HER ACCOUNT?
OK, I know I wasn't gonna bring up Trump, but … who knew Arnold was about that clapback life? Can we get to the point where Arnold actually has a fistfight with Trump? Because I think we know who'd win, and I would definitely pay for that pay-per-view.
SHOULD ARNOLD DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?
He should delete Trump's, tbh.
And finally … we have Sean Spicer. Quite possibly the dumbest man in America. When he's not busy engaging in a feud with Dippin' Dots, he's apparently one of the five people left in the world who doesn't know that The Onion is satire.
Sean is like the dumb older brother jock in a sitcom who gets made fun of by everyone in the cast and never notices. He probably still has sea monkeys. He listens to music on a Zune. He shops at the Burlington Coat Factory for underwear. The last time he had sex with someone he did it in front of a mirror and then high-fived himself.
President Steve Bannon is supposed to be this big bad white supremacist surrounding himself with the "superior" race. Sean wouldn't even be superior at the dawn of man. He'd get trampled by a buffalo. He'd fall into a fire and burn himself. He's a marionette that gets trotted out to tell lies for Trump and we don't believe them, but he's so goddamn bad and lying that we feel pity for him. He's the kind of human that will lead us to a Planet of the Apes situation. God help us.