Earlier this week, Kim Kardashian West finally made her valiant return to social media after months away. Us plebeians rejoiced, dropping our freshly polished apples into the filthy streets as we ran, laughing with relief, back to our mud hovels, where we could scroll gleefully through Kim’s freshly stocked Instagram feed in poorly lit solitude.
The past few days have been a blur of foamy-mouthed pieces lauding Kim’s reemergence and frantic late-night glimpses at Twitter to make sure it wasn’t all but a dream, peppered with fleeting moments of despair re: this particular moment in human consciousness. But now that we’ve had 72 hours to digest it all, to let it sink in, it’s time to step back and examine Kim’s seemingly random resurgence with a critical and unrelenting eye. It’s time to remember that Kim Kardashian West never does anything by accident; this is the brilliantly strategic B who brandishes Snapchat like a knife, who squatted down and taught her son to walk while wearing suede stiletto boots.
It’s time to look this gift horse directly in the mouth, and to ask its mouth: Why now? Why the purposefully vintage-y “home” video? Why this grainy Instagram filter? What. is. Kim’s. wily. ass. up. to?
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 1: Kim accidentally soft-launched her divorce
Kim’s social-media channels first showed glimmers of life on Tuesday, when she briefly switched her name from “Kim Kardashian West” to “Kim,” then to “Kim Kardashian,” then back to “Kim Kardashian West.” The most popular Kardashian Konspiracy Theory thus far is that Kim accidentally gave her followers a sneak peek at her divorce, then backpedaled aggressively by posting a shit-ton of family photos.
It’s important to remember, as we established 12 seconds ago, that Kim Kardashian West never does anything by accident. It’s also important to remember that there’s no feasible way to “accidentally” switch all of your names on social media. Go try it! It requires intent! So, no, Kim did not mistakenly preview her divorce. The more likely Konspiracy: Kim wanted to preview the public’s response to her divorce in a relatively risk-free fashion. The response was, of course, histrionic. Kim will probably wait a while before the hard launch.
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 2: Kim is a normal person posting normal photos of her goddamn family on social media, leave her alone, you are a monster
What if Kim isn’t up to anything? Can’t we just let Kim live her life? Even if her life is taking place inside a totally empty mansion decorated with fake snow?
Where kids in fur coats lick mirrors?
Where babies vomit freely, without fear of reproach?
And a deluge of classical musicians perform in the foyer first thing in the morning?
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 3: Kim is a ghost
All of Kim’s recent posts have a hint of melancholy to them, suggesting wistfulness at best and mournfulness at worst. These descriptors apply both form- and function-wise; each photo includes depressing tableaus, bleak color schemes, and nostalgic captions that suggest that Kim Kardashian West has drifted into the afterlife and is paying a visit to her earthly family as a sad, fuzzily rendered spirit. These new social-media posts are her way of sharing this new information with her legions of fans as a gentle reassurance: “Even though I am a ghost, I will still be on Snapchat.”
Here she is flung over a couch, alone, staring depressively at a carpet, her face obscured by the thick veil of dark hair beloved by fellow glam spirits, i.e., Samara from The Ring and chic 1970s murder victims. What happened on this carpet?! KIM?????
Here she is letting her son yank at her hair, listless and nonreactive, as if she can’t even feel it. Her son does not seem to be aware of her presence.
She is not even in this photo!!!!!
Here is a terrified Saint puking at the sight of Kim’s ghost.
Likelihood: Extremely high
Babies cannot fake puke. This baby is scared.
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 4: You are a ghost
You are seeing these Instagrams from the beyond. The filters are death’s veil.
Likelihood: You tell me, pal!
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 5: Kim was abducted by aliens
The details of Kim’s horrifying Parisian hotel heist are still fuzzy enough to suggest that there was some supernatural force involved. I’m here to ask the question on all of our minds: What if that force … was aliens? What if Kim was abducted by tall grays for nefarious purposes, temporarily replaced by a doppelgänger dummy capable only of forlornly eating ice cream, then sent back down to Earth with strict instructions never to speak of her interstellar torture? What if these posts are her only way of exposing the truth?
Here is Kim telling her kids she was abducted by aliens. Notice Saint’s horror and North’s confusion. Kids have different ways of dealing with the unknown.
Here is Kanye, waiting sadly for Kim to come back from being abducted by aliens. He dyed his hair blond because he thought it would be easier to spot from space.
Here is North in her tinfoil dress, because Kanye read the Wiki on tinfoil hats and knows them to be safeguards against alien mind control.
Here is Saint waiting for Kim to come back from being abducted by aliens. He is wearing a Juicy tracksuit for comfort.
Here is North, drinking a juice box, because it’s important to be hydrated in the event of an alien abduction.
Here is Saint puking, thinking about Kim being abducted by aliens.
Kim’s violently shredded jeans indicate a trust in the overall benevolence of the universe (i.e., these jeans will not expose the wrong parts of my legs or fall apart while I walk) that would’ve been shattered by an alien abduction.
Kardashian Konspiracy Theory No. 6: Kim is a harbinger of the apocalypse
Kim’s return to social media was prophesied in Acts 2:17–2:20: “In the last days it will be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions [of Kim Kardashian West], and your old men shall dream dreams [of Kim Kardashian West].” Kim, racked with guilt, aware of the role she’s playing in the End Times, is quietly preparing herself and her family for the apocalypse and trying to warn us all in the process.
Here are Kim and North dressed in matching tinfoil outfits. Tinfoil is, historically, the preferred material of apocalypticism; tinfoil also has a high melting point, meaning that, when God shoots fire out of his eyes, alighting the earth with his rage, Kim and North will be safe.
Here is North, still dressed in tinfoil, attached to Kanye via a leash, in case Satan tries to steal her during the apocalypse.
Here is North’s apocalypse tent, where she will hide safely while the asteroids pelt the planet.
Here is Saint puking because he’s thinking about the apocalypse.