Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities, the media, and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, we wrap up 2016 and figure out who was the messiest, who was the shadiest, and who really needs to not be on social media in 2017.
THE BEST CLAPBACK AWARD
This first category was probably the hardest one to figure out, because I’m here to make fun of celebrities, not award them for dragging other people online. I mostly keep track of when people fail, not when they succeed (it’s OK, I’ve discussed this with my therapist, so stay out of my Twitter mentions with your displeasure). So, with that said, here are my favorite people who were quick with the drag in 2016.
Rihanna is usually the best at clapbacks, but in a year where she didn’t have to tell anyone “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of,” she falls just a little short. So this moment when she told the Navy that they need to stop manufacturing cheap drama between her and Beyoncé like they’re Brandy on her fifth wine cooler will have to do.
Who didn’t love when Camille called her ex-husband, Kelsey, a cheating-ass ho?
Dustin Lance Black
While he later took his drag back, for one night in 2016 all of Gay Twitter was fucking shook, and not because one of our icons died unexpectedly. No, it was the night of the Oscars when Sam Smith declared himself the “first openly gay man” to win an Oscar and Dustin Lance “I Won an Oscar for Milk Which I Will Remind Everyone of All the Time Because No One Saw J. Edgar” Black naturally roasted Sam like a s’more.
STOP TEXTING MY MAN?! I thought nothing could top that this year, but fortunately, I had underestimated Miss Kardashian If You’re Nasty ...
WINNER: Kim Kardashian
Before she became a social media recluse, Kim was busy dropping naked selfies err’day and asking “why y’all gagging, tho?” No one was gagging, but that didn’t stop Kim. When other celebrities got tired of feeling compelled to give her a mammogram every other week, they called her out. Kim, to her credit, stood up against the slut-shaming with aplomb. But that clapback was just an amuse-bouche compared to the dragging she had in store for Taylor Swift. Taylor spent most of the year being faux-offended at the fact that Kanye’s song “Famous” had the lyrics: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.” She claimed Kanye never had approval for the lines. Enter Kim. She laid a trap for Taylor in her GQ profile, where she said she had the receipts and would release them if necessary. Then (timed with the release of a goddamn episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, because synergy) she released video footage on Snapchat she released video footage on Snapchat, though it did not include the line in which Kanye called her a “bitch." Social media was literally never the same. Kim might have retreated from the public eye toward the end of the year following a frightening incident where she was robbed at gunpoint, but honestly, how could she ever top this social media moment anyway? If she stays behind the scenes forever, just know that she went out as the motherfucking Cersei Lannister of social media.
THE “UNDERSTANDING #BLACKLIVESMATTER IS HARD AND COMPLICATED!!!!” AWARD
This year was full of well-meaning celebrities like Mischa Barton and Jennifer Lopez tweetin’ “All Lives Matter” because googling why that’s wrong is hard to do, especially if you’re Tomi Lahren and find it difficult to finish The Oregon Trail without your nose bleeding. But none were dumber than these two people, who both win the coveted “Understanding #BlackLivesMatter Is Hard and Complicated!!!!” Award
Brody Jenner posted a lot of racist shit on his Instagram, so no matter how cute he is, he’s no longer bae.
Bow Wow’s full-black ass tried to claim he isn’t really black because he’s light-skinned or something, and also, #AllLivesMatter. Then he pretended to retire and later released a mixtape with Soulja Boy that no one wanted.
THE “WHO IS WRITING THESE TWEETS?” AWARD
Social media management is a full-time job these days, and your favorite brands and media companies sometimes take on a personality depending on who tweets for them. Two brands in particular stuck out this year for me, and not in a good way.
Beyoncé set the internet on fire when her new single, “Formation,” included the lyrics, “When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster.” It took a whole damn day for Red Lobster’s social media team to issue a response, and the best they could do was: “‘Cheddar Bey Biscuits’ has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” No, it doesn’t. Fuck outta here.
WINNER: Bette Midler
Bette Midler is always going viral with some clever tweet about a current pop-culture event. I’m convinced she hasn’t written a single one of them and she employs some millennial intern to keep up her social media. Not because I think she’s incapable, but because I have a hard time believing Bette gives enough of a damn about Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian to tweet about them constantly. Of course, whoever is tweeting for her went over the line when they tried dragging Kim for her naked photos, forgetting about Bette’s own risqué photo shoots of yesteryear.
THE SHADY-ASS BITCH AWARD
Exactly what the title says.
Natalie Maines and the rest of the Dixie Chicks hitting the Country Music Awards with Beyoncé to perform “Daddy Lessons” was one of 2016’s best pop-culture moments. It was also great to see the Dixie Chicks embraced by the CMAs again after they were essentially boycotted by their country music brethren after speaking out against George Bush. But lo and behold, Natalie took to Twitter to inform us all that they attended at the request of Beyoncé and the CMAs are still trash. Oh, well! Thanks for the tea, girl.
Two years ago, Solange took hot sauce to Jay Z in an elevator at the Met Gala. This year, she tweeted ominously about someone who tried her goddamn nerves. And we still have no idea who this person is. If that isn’t some expert shade, then I don’t know what is.
WINNER: Noah Galvin
Keep in mind, the title of this award is “The Shady-Ass Bitch Award,” so one doesn’t need to be particularly good at shade to win — you just need to be rude as fuck. And there was really no one better than Noah Galvin, who introduced himself to the world with an interview on Vulture that dragged Colton Haynes, Bryan Singer, and one of those white people from Modern Family. It was refreshing in this neutered media age to see someone give an interview and speak their mind honestly while managing to be funny to boot. Noah eventually walked back his statements, because you can’t just make insinuations about Bryan Singer unless you want to end up in court, but give Noah some time and he’ll too be tweeting at Sam Smith to stop texting his man.
THE BEST CO-OPTING OF MY GODDAMN COLUMN AWARD
When Hillary told the oversize Oompa Loompa about to be our next president to delete his account, the phrase finally hit the mainstream. Am I pressed that when you google “Delete Your Account,” my column is now two entries below Clinton’s tweet? You bet I am. I didn’t even get an Edible Arrangement.
THE BEST LITERAL ACCOUNT DELETION AWARD
There’s nothing I love more than when someone does my job for me. Here are the best people that actually did delete or have their accounts deleted this year.
When that Access Hollywood tape leaked of Trump talking about grabbing women by their pussies, the only person who ended up paying the price was Billy Bush. Realizing that he was about to get dragged to hell and back online, Bush preemptively deleted his Twitter account and hasn’t been seen since.
After tweeting vile, racist shit about Zayn Malik, Banks got banned from Twitter faster than that bleached blond white supremacist they also banned but who ended up with a $250,000 book deal so I’m not about to give his ass any more press by mentioning his name. At any rate, Azealia now has to resort to Facebook to attempt lame clapbacks at people like Nicki Minaj, who full roasted her in a video game. Azealia, give it up, girl.
After outing Oympic athletes in a shitty, homophobic blog post for The Daily Beast, Hines vanished from Twitter without a trace. He hasn’t deleted his account, leaving it up as a ghost account like the elusive chanteuse Wei Tchou, which is somehow even better.
THE WINNER: Piers Morgan
No, he hasn’t had his account deleted for the vile trash he spews on a daily basis. But this year, I finally blocked Piers and it improved my life by 90 percent. You should try doing the same.
THE PETTY BOOP AWARD
Who went that extra mile to be rude as hell this year? Who hasn’t seen the inside of a church since reruns of Amen stopped airing? Those would be the people in the running for pettiest of 2016.
If you were a very successful and beloved R&B artist, would you spend your time reigniting a 20-year-old feud with another singer? No? Then you’re not Brandy. Because she made her 2016 all about shading Monica left and right for no goddamn reason. If you’re gonna bring up old shit from 1998, you can’t get mad when we make the driving jokes, sis.
Jazmine Sullivan paid her respects to a man she barely knew just to let the internet know that she could’ve fucked him if she wanted, but she decided not to. When you’re this petty to someone when they’re six feet underground, who hurt you?
WINNER: Lily Allen
But speaking of postmortem pettiness, there might have been no better roast this year than Lily Allen coming for Rita Ora in the wake of Prince’s death. It’s pretty damn cruel, but it also got Rita some headlines for a week and you know that’s all she prays for with her rosary every morning.
THE MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS AWARD
Chloë Grace Moretz
If we can return to Kim Kardashian and her penchant for nude selfies, for some reason it inspired Chloë Moretz to start a feud with Kim for no goddamn reason. Like, who was even checking for this girl? Who asked her to go above her relevance grade and tangle with Kim? It didn’t just end there, either. She ended up feuding with Khloé Kardashian for the rest of the year too. Sometimes you need to make better life choices. If you’re not on Kris Jenner’s payroll, there is no heavenly reason for you to have a public fight with a Kardashian (learn from Blac Chyna).
The funny star of Difficult People took some time off from writing her sitcom to try to lecture Zendaya on eating disorders, just because Zendaya “looked skinny.” Zendaya and the rest of Twitter were not having it.
No one asked for Paul Bettany’s opinion on whether Johnny Depp was abusive to ex-wife Amber Heard, but Paul was here to offer his dumbass opinion anyway! I wouldn’t have even remembered this if it weren’t for the fact that Bettany’s niece tried defending him to me in a bar in New York City, so I guess this whole family doesn’t know how to mind their business.
At first, Lindsay Lohan’s Brexit tweets were kind of amusing (and insightful?), but after sliding into Ariana Grande’s Instagram comments to tell her to stop wearing so much makeup (while she was on set for a musical), I’ve started to realize that maybe Lindsay needs to just not.
Writing The Wire doesn’t mean you get to use the n-word now, bruh. Moving on.
WINNER: Demi Lovato
If you’re getting read by Mariah Carey on national television for inserting yourself into her business, then you automatically win this award. But Demi wasn’t content with just bothering Mariah this year! She also stuck her nose into Nicki Minaj’s and Taylor Swift’s business for no good reason. Sis, go write a cozy mystery novel already.
THE THIRSTY AF AWARD
Sean spent the entire year playing Donald Trump’s lapdog, who, in turn, was already Russia’s lapdog. So when you’re a lapdog to a lapdog, you’re pretty much Fido’s grave at the pet cemetery.
Walking around in freezing-ass weather doing fashion shows and talking about “the gag” is not a good look, ma. You say you were never Akeelah and the Bee and that she was just a character, but “Keke Palmer” doesn’t seem like a real person either.
Don’t you have a media company to run? Why are you talking about mulatto cocks on Twitter? We’re going to get a “27 Questions Mulattos Have for Mulattos” video next year, aren’t we?
Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S REAL WITH THESE TWO ANYMORE BESIDES KRIS JENNER’S BANK ACCOUNT.
I still have so many questions. Who actually bought these hats? Did Colton make them himself? Why are they $48? Was this a scam from Joanne?
WINNER: Rachel Roy
There’s absolutely nothing worse than being so thirsty for attention that you incite the fervor of the Beyhive. Rachel knew that she could very well be “Becky with the good hair,” but no one was really checking for her until her “good hair don’t care” Instagram. You brought this on yourself, ma, and you got Rachael Ray hurt in the process. Are you proud of yourself?
THE MESSY AND LIVING FOR DRAMA AWARD
Maybe try to spend 2017 not defending rape apologists you’ve hired on the staff of your show.
2016 was the year that white privilege ran amok and no one exemplified that better than Ryan Lochte scamming his way through the Olympics and getting away with it. I find him so personally distasteful that he’ll probably be president in 2020.
She almost got the Mind Your Own Damn Business Award for butting into Kim and Taylor’s drama when nobody asked for her input, but then she followed it up with a string of messy tweets about the Pulse nightclub shooting and fled Twitter. Girl.
Thank you for your messy, tea-spilling Instagram posts that are more interesting than any of the episodes of Finding Prince Charming you took part in.
WINNER: Calvin Harris
You might have forgotten about Calvin Harris’s involvement in Taylor Swift’s drama this year, since it happened so early in the middle of the summer and 2016 got progressively worse and distracted us from nonsense like Calvin playing the victim in his celebrity breakup. But Calvin tweeting that Taylor needs to stop trying to make him the bad guy in their breakup, all because she admitted that she co-wrote “This Is What You Came For,” was a highlight of the year until the #KimExposedTaylorParty. After that cultural moment, Calvin wiped his tweets from the internet and tried to let Kim be the one history remembers as the sole person to come for Taylor’s crown in 2016. But Delete Your Account never forgets.
THE MISGUIDED WHITE WOMAN AWARD
I think she lived in a tree while campaigning for Jill Stein all summer and look where that got us all. Thanks, Shailene!
And on the other side of the hellish coin that led to Donald Trump as Führer-elect was Susan stumping for Bernie Sanders all year, then waffling on whether she was voting for Trump. I hope you get nominated for not a single Golden Globe for Feud, miss.
Trying to turn her off-key tribute to Prince into some sort of “I’m being attacked because I’m white” narrative was the most ridiculous thing she’s done since Swept Away.
Listen, I really do want to commend Mischa for trying to bring light to Alton Sterling’s death at the hands of police officers. But attempting that with an Instagram of yourself on a yacht sipping wine is probably not the best way to go about it. Neither was her spiraling into an #AllLivesMatter rant when she was called out for her self-aggrandizing post.
You really, really, really captioned a photo of yourself “L.A. face with an Oakland booty.”
WINNER: Avril Lavigne
When your contribution to 2016 amounts to defending Nickelback not once, but TWICE, you really gotta say, “Hey, hey, you, you, I think you need to log off.” #NickelbackHasSoldOver50MillionAlbums
THE SOCIAL MEDIA WINNER AWARD
A dictionary dragging people online was maybe one of the best things to come out of this horrid year.
Chrissy Teigen and John Legend
Mark started as misguided bae during the Oscars when he didn’t get why black people were calling for boycotts. Then he actually listened to me online when I engaged him, and started giving Matt McGorry a run for his money in the “cute white man who knows what he’s talking about” arena.
Trevor Noah gets into mishaps on Twitter here and there, but in the back half of the year he started making The Daily Show hella relevant again.
WINNER: Rita Ora
This Queen of Not Releasing Albums went from starting out the year flashing her breasts on a foreign magazine cover two years after Rihanna did the same thing more artfully on the same damn magazine cover to … hosting a reboot of America’s Next Top Model. Still no new album and I’m not quite sure anyone has figured out who she is and why she exists, but that’s a helluva glow-up.
THE I BETTER NOT SEE YOU ONLINE IN 2017 AWARD
When he’s not defending Bill Cosby, he’s hanging out with Trump. Somebody put Kanye in rice.
You know what won’t make people like you? Mocking Kehlani after she goes public about a suicide attempt. We’ve tried to forgive Chris Brown, but now it’s time we forget Chris Brown.
Remember when you published a harrowing account from one of your reporters about being assaulted by Trump? Then remember when you put him on your fucking cover the next week like he was a goddamn Kardashian?
WINNER: Donald Trump
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS AMERICA, WILL THE CIA, THE FBI, IVANKA TRUMP, OR THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN TAKE AWAY THIS MAN’S PHONE AND STOP LETTING HIM TWEET?!?!?!