Earlier this month, director Gore Verbinski told a room full of reporters, this writer included, that he wants A Cure for Wellness to do for health spas what Jaws did for the beach. Having seen the first 30 minutes or so of the gothic thriller starring Dane DeHaan, I can safely say that while I'm not terrified of getting a massage (yet), I have no idea what the fuck this creepy movie is about. There's an ominous buck, and a tub full of eels (!!), and Lucius Malfoy (a.k.a. Jason Isaacs) playing a potentially crazy health professional.
And then there's Mia Goth, who spends all of her time hanging out and looking sad atop the old-ass European structures.
Again, I've seen 30 minutes of this movie and all I can tell you is that DeHaan's character is a young corporate hotshot who's sent to Switzerland to retrieve a board member who apparently lost his damn mind at this so-called "wellness spa." Of course, the longer he stays at the spa — and there is something rather unfortunate that forces him to extend his stay — the more he suspects that the idyllic center's treatments are anything but healthy. Cue the eels and the naked men in water chambers.
I am now 99 percent sure this movie doesn't actually exist and that it is, in fact, all a fever dream. I guess I'll have to wait until February 17, 2017 to be certain.