Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, the Country Music Awards has some explaining to do, Melania Trump has never met her husband, Hilary Duff gets messy, Lena Dunham is still here for some reason, and Drake is trying my patience.
THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS
Y'all got some nerve to use Beyoncé to promote your honky-tonk, broken-jukebox-from-Patrick Swayze's-Road House awards show and then not so much as tweet that she was ever there. Most awards shows are beholden to celebrities, but this seems to be the first one that's beholden to a cluster of racist fans. After Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks blessed this three-nickel opera with their presence and tore the fucking house down with a rendition of "Daddy Lessons" that will probably save America from total destruction on election night, bestowing the CMAs with their highest ratings EVER, some Jed Clampetts rushed to their computers and spewed the most racist, vile, disgusting things I've seen outside of my Message Requests folder on Facebook.
Never mind the fact that black people invented the banjo and had a hand in creating country music in the first place. Never mind that Justin Timberlake warbled his sweet soul onto the CMA stage last year and had nary a complaint from any of these covered-wagon barnacles. Do you realize what an honor it is to have Beyoncé show up at your barn dance in the first place? Do you realize that the Dixie Chicks are the best goddamn country act since the invention of Dolly Parton and they deserve reverence? Do you remember when the country world turned its back on them after they called out George W. Bush as trash? Luckily, the Dixie Chicks' very own Natalie Maines had no time for the CMA's shit.
Natalie come THRU with all this shade! She knows that the CMAs weren't checking for her, Emily, or Martie anytime soon. But that's OK, because they're still selling out arenas and getting their paper. You know who else is getting her paper? Beyoncé, who's selling out her own arenas (no, stadiums) and telling the CMAs, "If I'm performing, the Dixie Chicks are coming with me." Of course, the fans who think Beyoncé hates cops and think the Dixie Chicks hate America got pressed, but to every other American? Hearing one of the most powerful black women sing at the CMAs, with three of the strongest women in country music? This was a new national anthem. And I bet you Colin Kaepernick rose for this.
SHOULD THE CMAS DELETE THEIR ACCOUNT? The Facebook account finally shared something about the performance after people got pressed and a rep told Elle that they only removed "one post." You posted once about Queen Bey? OK, y'all. Whatever you say. Maybe next year just have Blake Shelton read his awful tweets onstage.
SHOULD MELANIA DELETE HER ACCOUNT?
At this point, who is honestly going to change their vote to Hillary because of some Lena Dunham caucoonery? YOU ARE NOT HELPING. Can you go make ads for Jill Stein if you really want to turn people off of voting for a candidate?
SHOULD LENA DELETE HER ACCOUNT?
What happened to doing things with love, Hilary? Come on, girl. I love you and how you've managed to transform your Instagram feed into a SkyMall catalogue, but this was really in poor taste. This is, like, worse than the threesome you had with Dan Humphrey and Vanessa. But what's actually the worst is this silly apology. Whenever celebs apologize for these things, I don't think they truly get why they're apologizing. They just do it so people will leave them alone. And they never respond to their tacky fans who tell them that they're just being attacked by "social justice warriors." Who knew caring about the well-being of other Americans is being a SJW? I just thought it was being a decent human being.
White people love defending their right to dress up as Native Americans during Halloween, Coachella, and weekends with the girls to Palm Springs. They love dressing up as people that they never give a thought to any other time of year. Have you donated to Standing Rock, sis? What's so appealing about wearing a headdress? Or being a pilgrim? Aren't there enough white people in history for you and your man to dress up as? I really need y'all to start with the mayonnaise and J.Crew model costumes, because enough is enough.
SHOULD HILARY DELETE HER ACCOUNT? No, I love my girl, but she's gotta chill. Go back to selling teas to your unsuspecting social media fans.
BE QUIET, DRAKE, BE QUIET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP IT!
I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A RAPPER LIKE THIS. WHEN MY MOTHER YELLS LIKE THIS IT’S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME.
I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. HOW DARE YOU? LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS.
WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT, YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF, ‘CAUSE NOBODY’S GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU.
YOU ROLLIN’ YOUR EYES AND YOU ACTING LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH.
BUT I’M NOT A VICTIM, I GROW FROM IT, AND I LEARN.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF.
SHOULD DRAKE DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?