Girl, it's FINALLY over. Robert went and picked one of these heffas and we never have to think about any of these boring people ever again. You know what I'm going to do between seasons? Pray that the casting director for Flavor of Love starts working on Finding Prince Charming, because I need some entertaining contestants, real drama, and the one-liners we come to reality TV for. We don't come to reality TV for a perfectly pleasant finale where all three of the contestants seem to genuinely enjoy one another, clinging to each other like they're college freshmen who met during orientation and haven't yet realized that they will soon have choices, that they won't actually hang out with any of these people again.
The episode begins with the drive to Palm Springs, as their Uber backs up over Justin's loveless corpse and hits the freeway. Everyone toasts to being in the finale, and Brandon thanks them all for toasting with bottles of water since he's sober, but I'm sure it's because they ran out of their champagne budget. Why waste Andre money on these four monsters when one of them doesn't even drink and one of them (Dillon, clearly) might start killing people with broken shards of glass?
After we arrive at a private villa in Palm Springs, those fucking hashtags everyone picked out weeks ago show up again as Robert writes heartfelt letters that he totally penned himself and were not made by an intern at all. Anyway, they all go swimming and then Robert decides that now, while they're wading in some sleazy 1960s movie producer's swimming pool, is the perfect time to announced that he used to be an escort. Everyone is SCANDALIZED except they all totally knew he was a Sydney Andrews from the jump, so no one is actually shocked about his former life. Eric's over-the-top reveal of his HIV-positive status had more drama than this, which is kind of ridiculous.
Robert makes everyone do another one of his arts-and-crafts projects, which is painting a rainbow crosswalk in Palm Springs. Is he getting kickbacks from Blick Art Materials? How many fucking rainbow crosswalks does one man need to complete in his lifetime? The answer is certainly less than one and no more than zero. Was Palm Springs really begging for a rainbow-brick road? Does Robert realize that knowing how to paint a sidewalk is not an adequate replacement for a personality? All those questions and more will never be answered, because Brandon accidentally ruptures his achilles tendon while skipping around the pavement like a dancer in A Chorus Line. It's gonna take four months to a year to recover, but instead of lingering on whether or not Brandon will develop a pain pill habit, we have to deal with Dillon leaving the show. He realizes that Robert has no chemistry with him (YOU THINK?) and he hands back his black tie. I'm kinda pressed Dillon came to Palm Springs for five seconds, but maybe he found a better hookup on Grindr and decided to call it a day.
Robert and Eric end the evening with a romantic dinner where Eric finally lets his guard down and tells Robert that he's looking for a relationship or something, I pretty much zoned out around here and came back when the two started making out in a swimming pool. The camera fades out and there is no indication as to whether or not there was boots-knocking, but we know that he picks Eric in the end and not Brandon, so let's just assume that THEY BANGED IN THAT POOL.
The next day, Robert's date with Brandon consists of making out in Brandon's bed and then going to some lame restaurant to have lunch. Are we supposed to be shocked that in the final black tie ceremony Robert chooses Eric?
Lance Bass shows up, wanting to have even less to do with this than I do, and is basically like, "Girl, pick one of them, I'm gonna be over in the corner sipping a cocktail." Robert, as I mentioned, rips out Brandon's heart, stomps on it, then sends him on his merry way. Because the "winner" of Robert's affections is none other than Eric! Robert whispers "You're perfect" while crying like he accidentally drank Coconut La Croix.
So there you have it, Eric and his perfect hair and his boring everything else won Robert's ex-hooker heart of gold. But let's not end this season on a sour, boring note. Here's a GIF of Robby!