We’re gonna get this one over with quick, y’all, because this week’s episode was probably the slowest Finding Prince Charming yet. With Sam and Chad gone and no one left for Dillon to manipulate, it’s mostly a bunch of pleasant gays sitting around paying compliments — and not even fake compliments — to each other while hoping Robert doesn’t pick their competition. These people seem to actually enjoy one another — well, except for Dillon, no one enjoys Dillon — and who signed up for a reality show with reasonable, well-behaved human beings? Not I.
The show will take any bit of drama at all at this point, so we’re introduced to Robert’s family. Robert cries more in a confessional about how hard it was to come out at 18 than he did during his AIDS monologue, so you can really tell he’s trying to work up a personality in the last two episodes. Unfortunately, Robert’s parents are unmemorable. But the silver lining is his sister came here to stir up some dramaaaaaaa.
Swirling a wine glass, she interviews the guys and then gives Robert her opinion on them. She seems most taken by Dillon and Brandon, who technically are the most interesting people left in the house, so that’s not exactly a surprise. But what she does say is that she sees Justin as more of a friend to Robert than a lover. This prompts Justin to freak out that he’s been placed in THE FRIEND ZONE by Robert’s sister, which he makes sure to mention the rest of the episode because this show is certainly nothing without random buzz words like “friend zone” and “canary.” Remember “canary”? Remember Chad? Remember when this show was mildly interesting?
Based on his family’s suggestions, Robert picks Dillon and Brandon for solo dates. Dillon’s date is some random Cirque du Soleil bullshit and I’m concerned as to why this show keeps pimping acrobatic dates as if these queens are The Flying Graysons. Robert enjoys the fact that Dillon is “flexible,” or so he tells us, because the lack of chemistry between these two is more obvious than Drew Barrymore posing as a high school student. They don’t even kiss on this damn date, but Robert keeps insisting that he’s very attracted to Dillon. If by “very attracted” you mean this show isn’t going to get rid of the only black person left before the finale, then sure!
Robert’s date with Brandon is an actual date. They go on a boat called The Godfather and make out. Robert’s opinion of Brandon is he’s someone he could see himself with “on a Sunday morning, making breakfast, giggling.” I’m pretty sure Brandon still has that Ziploc bag of eggs saved, so you won’t even have to make him breakfast, Robert.
Before the black-tie ceremony, Dillon gets stressed out that he has a gray hair and tries cutting his hair himself. When that doesn’t go well, he asks Eric (who’s a hairstylist, in case you’ve forgotten) to even his hair out for him. This is what’s passing for exciting segments on the show now.
Justin keeps harping on the fact that everyone in the house is like family, which makes it abundantly clear that he’s one of those rare reality show contestants who actually did come here to make friends. Too bad Robert is looking for a relationship and not just a friend, because he doesn’t even bother going through with the ceremony — he cuts Justin immediately and sends him on his way. Justin breaks into “For Good” from Wicked and talks about how he’s been changed for good because of the people he’s met in this house, which is the perfect time for him to tell Eric he’s in love with him already. WHICH HE DOES.
I’m kidding. That would’ve been interesting and we certainly can’t have that! Once Justin is gone, Lance Bass tells everyone that next week is the finale and they’re all joining Robert on a “romantic getaway” in Palm Springs. It’s so nice of Lance to Airbnb one of his vacation homes for these fools to stay in for the weekend and shoot their little reality show.
[Note: Logo and MTV News are both owned by Viacom.]