Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity go to war, Lucian Piane tries to be relevant, Billy Bush has no account to delete, and Grindr is up to white nonsense.
Never say anything near a microphone that you don’t want exposed to the world. You’d think that would be the first thing Donald Trump learned while on the set of Days of Our Lives, where better villains than him have been exposed by secret tape recordings. And yet, today, a 2005 conversation between Billy Bush and Donald Trump recorded on a hot mic was released into the world. Trump, who says some of his most disgusting things about women yet (“When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”), was on the set of Days of Our Lives, where he filmed a scene with Arianne Zucker, who plays my soap opera goddess Nicole Walker Robbins Roberts Kiriakis DiMera. I’d like to believe that Nicole herself — who shot her own father in Mexico, married Lucas Roberts for $5 million, tried killing her husband Victor by electrocuting him in a bathtub, and faked a pregnancy after a miscarriage and stole Sami Brady’s baby — is the one who finally secured this tape so she could expose Trump.
Either that, or some disgruntled NBC employee with access to Access Hollywood archives did it. Donald Trump has already issued a shitty non-apology, which we expected, but one person has eluded being dragged. Billy Bush. Did he delete his Twitter account once this tape hit the internet? You might think so, but his Twitter account seems to have vanished before today.
In fact, he seems to have deleted his account after his co-worker Al Roker publicly shamed him for his Ryan Lochte interview. Since that public drama, Bush hasn't been seen online. And he's probably not coming back anytime soon. Which is a shame, because Bush getting dragged on Twitter is the best thing ever. Remember when Nicki Minaj did it in 2013?
With no Twitter account to drag him on, people have taken to his Facebook page to let them know what they think of him and Donald Trump. How long till he deletes that account too?
SHOULD BILLY DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? What account?
Sean Hannity, the No. 1 emergency contact in Donald Trump’s phone, got salty this week when Megyn Kelly called out Donald Trump for only taking interviews with Hannity. On her show, The Kelly File, Megyn said, “Donald Trump, with all due respect to my friend at 10 o’clock, will go on Hannity and pretty much only Hannity, and will not venture out to the unsafe spaces these days, which doesn’t exactly expand the tent for either one of them.” This was after she recently threw shade at Hannity after the first presidential debate, saying, “We’ve got Trump speaking to our own Sean Hannity. We’ll see whether he speaks to the journalists in this room after that interview.” Speaks … to … the … journalists. Ma’am. Whew.
Listen. Megyn might represent the most evil television network since The WB aired 11 seasons of 7th Heaven, but she is often brilliant. I honestly love her; she genuinely seems to loathe Donald Trump, and is probably voting for Hillary Clinton. I also think when her contract at Fox News is up, she’s about to bounce and do some other shit to cleanse her soul. I mean, she’s already producing television shows in Hollywood. And I feel much safer professing my love for her than my often ill-advised courtship of Paul Ryan (he’s a monster, but I love him, let me live).
If there’s anyone who could actually put Hannity on the defensive and make him self-combust, it’s Megyn. Sure, they’ve already made up and smiled pretty for social media, but I choose to believe that Fox News’s PR organized that cease-fire, because they don’t want any of the Falcon Crest drama that’s currently brewing between CNN and BuzzFeed. Megyn might have even instigated burying the hatchet herself. She’s already expertly shaded the fuck out of Hannity and caused him to tailspin like Kit and Baloo. What else is there to do? Start a Twitter war? Megyn’s too classy for that shit. She knows that her star is rising and that Hannity, who has chosen to attach himself to the sinking Trump ship like a barnacle, is quickly sinking. Any day now she’ll hit him with that “good luck with booking that stage you speak of.”
SHOULD HANNITY DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?
This is all my fault. I should have honestly left well enough alone. Lucian Piane, a music producer on RuPaul’s Drag Race, is barely relevant enough to appear in this column, but the drama that unfolded from Lucian’s attacks on Hillary Clinton this week and praise of Donald Trump unfortunately involved yours truly. It all started with a shit-stirring Facebook post from a white male I know who wrote, “Hillary gays are bullies.” Normally, I’d have left well enough alone, because what is there to say to a self-pitying Facebook post that’s looking for nothing but attention? Except, as a gay male in Los Angeles, I’m connected to nearly every other gay male in Los Angeles and therefore I was able to witness Lucian Piane chiming in on said Facebook post with this nonsense:
I tweeted about Lucian’s idiotic statements and, well, a Twitter meltdown ensued. Lucian later insisted he never said he was voting for Trump — he was just praising his business acumen. Really? As a “businessman,” Trump was sued by the Justice Department for not renting to black people. As a “businessman,” he used 9/11 funds for his own personal gain. As a “businessman,” he targeted black and Latino teenagers in a racially biased case they were not guilty of and started a McCarthy-esque witch hunt to get them sent to prison and destroy their lives. He took out a full-page ad in the New York Daily News to have the city reinstate the death penalty. They’ve since been exonerated by DNA evidence, but this week, Trump claimed that they’re still guilty. His running mate, Mike Pence, supported using national HIV funding for conversion therapy. But yes, gay men who support Hillary Clinton are being bullies and Trump just tells it like it is! Honestly, if you want to vote for Trump, then vote for Trump. But don’t support it with the kind of asinine logic that caused CBS executives to green-light Kevin Can Wait.
Let’s just address this special case of people who find Trump a beautiful alternative to Hillary Clinton. You will be remembered long after this election and your alliance with a monster who is anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-immigrant, and anti-minorities will not be forgotten. RuPaul might still let you tickle the ivories and produce her albums like the GarageBand-using Phantom of the Threepenny Opera you are, but we will not forget. Not even hot people who are really good at having sex like Colby Keller, a porn star who recently said he was voting for Trump, will have this expunged from their record. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. None of us gays are going to let you play our reindeer games.
SHOULD LUCIAN DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?
Yes, because the biggest concern with deporting 16 million Americans is that the white gays on Grindr won’t have any hot, ethnic guys to bang.