Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether or not each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Miley Cyrus needs to keep Mariah Carey's name out her mouth, Brody might actually be the worst Jenner, Howard Dean gets reckless, and Rob and Blac Chyna need to go back to high school.
I'm low-key annoyed that Elly May Clampett made me come out my frame and talk about shit that's not even on Twitter, but Miley Cyrus stays talking about people who honestly don't give a damn who she is. First she came for Nicki Minaj, and now she's got something to say about Mariah. First of all, sis, for someone who has spent the past few years twerking at Juicy J concerts, up against Robin Thicke, and at Bronner Brother Hair Shows, you sure seem to dislike black women. When she's not busy appropriating their looks and using their bodies as props in her music videos, that is. Jay Z even shaded her ass on Magna Carta Holy Grail. You know who Jay has worked with that's not Miley? Mariah Carey.
Because Mariah Carey has more No. 1 songs than Miley has bales of hay in her childhood bedroom. Mariah has also managed to pen these songs herself, which is why she's actually a gay icon. You don't get to be a gay icon by twerking on a stage, Miley, you get to become one by having a successful career and then the gays fuck witchu. Miley has tried desperately to become a gay icon over the years from her Taylor Swift phase (“The Driveway”) to her Britney phase (“Can't Be Tamed”) to her Monica album from 2011 phase (“We Can't Stop”), but the gag is, we liked Hannah Montana more than you. You're on a manufactured pop television show designed to sell records from a bunch of kids who'll be forgotten about by the next season rolls around, but you wanna talk about authenticity when it comes to Mariah? Nah.
Bless Mariah, of course, who remains unbothered and hasn't even responded.
SHOULD MILEY DELETE HER ACCOUNT? She's already on The Voice and trying to start a feud with Mariah to get ratings, isn't that punishment enough?
The following Instagram from Taylor Mosher (who was allegedly on The Hills but I don't know who the hell he is) was reposted and endorsed by Brody Jenner.
The unenlightened and idiotic post about the recent shootings of two black men — Terence Crutcher and Keith Lamont Scott — by police prompted Brody Jenner to put on his #AllLivesMatter hoodie and act like he knows a goddamn thing about being black in America. Brody Jenner understands race about as well as Caitlyn Jenner knows how to drive, but when has that ever stopped people?
Here's the thing. Remember when Mischa Barton posted her ridiculous boat selfie after Alton Sterling's death? It was self-serving, yes, but let's at least ruminate on the fact that Mischa Barton understands police brutality more than Brody Jenner. Marissa Cooper has more empathy than an ex-reality star with a lame sex podcast, who'd have thought?
I love how Brody and his dumb friend just CAN'T take the news anymore. This isn't about race! It's about complying with the police! Never mind the fact that multiple people have been killed by police officers even after complying with the police. Never mind the fact that it's probably more horrific watching the news as a black person, seeing another person who looks like you lying on the ground covered in blood and a white sheet from the coroner, but sure, let's protect the sensitive minds of two white fuckboys who want to spout off about how the “world is getting out of hand with the race issue.”
Honestly, fuck both of you. More than 100 unarmed black men were shot by police in 2015. Tamir Rice, a child, was shot for holding a toy gun. A mentally ill black man was shot for holding a fucking e-cigarette. If Brody were black, would he have been shot by police during his altercation with hotel staff in Malibu this week? And would his dumb friend hop on Instagram to tell him he deserved it? And to not “make it about race”?
The worst thing about this is Brody didn't even have the balls or mental capacity to say any of this himself. He reposted his idiot friend's comments then played the victim when he rightfully got dragged in his mentions. But then again, it's always some white boy qualified to do nothing more than earn a check from masturbating at a free clinic who wants to say something about how black people should act in America.
SHOULD BRODY DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? The only person from The Hills who needs a Twitter account is Spencer Pratt, to be honest.
Howard Dean is so reckless when he rocks that Givenchy dress. Honestly, at this point you can't tell me this entire election cycle wasn't scripted by Molière in 1672. Donald Trump threatened to invite Gennifer Flowers, a woman Bill Clinton had an affair with in the 1980s, to the first presidential debate. He then proceeded to trash Rosie O'Donnell during said debate. Then he was up in the middle of the night tweeting about sex tapes and Miss Universe contestants. This is par for the course with this clown-painting lunatic, but I was not ready for Governor Howard Dean to tweet in the middle of the debate that Donald Trump might be on cocaine.
THIS MAN JUST ASKED WHETHER OR NOT DONALD TRUMP IS DOING COCAINE DURING A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. I honestly cannot stop laughing. Howard Dean is the fucking G.O.A.T., y'all. This man lost his chance to be president over a scream, and now he's looking at this election like, “Oh really, now, motherfuckers?” Dean is PISSED. And he will not wait to serve his revenge cold, he wants his Hattori Hanzō sword NOW and he is about to start taking names.
The next day, I saw Dean on MSNBC pulling a classic Trump maneuver by insinuating that Trump is a coke addict without actually saying he's a coke addict. This man has waited for so long to have his revenge on the American political machine that cost him his chance at the White House and now he's going to turn this entire election circus into a world's fair.
SHOULD DEAN DELETE HIS ACCOUNT? Howard Dean is in formation. Let him do whatever the fuck he wants.
ROB KARDASHIAN AND BLAC CHYNA
Is this fucking Bye Bye Birdie?! What kind of goddamn game of Hollywood Telephone are these two nutjobs playing? I have no idea what would possess two grown adults to post cell phone numbers on Twitter, but then again, no one involved in any of this is a grown adult. I think it's time we start admitting that this entire Blac Chyna and Rob story line the Kardashians cooked up is starting to produce diminishing returns.
At first, it was exciting watching Chyna worm her way into the Kardashian household where the father of her child, Tyga, was tutoring Kylie Jenner for her SATs. But really, no one cares about Tyga, so that was bound to dry up as a story line. This continued “feud” with the sisters that maybe exists, but doesn't exist, but definitely exists at least for this season because of ratings, is honestly boring. Where are the Real Housewives–style blowouts? When is Chyna gonna take a page from Kim Kardashian and start exposing people on Snapchat?
Tweeting out your man's number so he won't text other women is lame. Tweeting out your sister's phone number is childish. Rob and Chyna are like that couple in high school who thinks it's them against the world, but also break up all the time and never come to class yet have the nerve to ask you what the reading assignment was.
SHOULD ROB AND CHYNA DELETE THEIR ACCOUNTS? Can they go raise this baby? I feel like Chyna has been pregnant since O.J. had Isotoners.