Finding Prince Charming Recap: Eat, Gay, Love

Who cooks breakfast for people anymore? And where’s our resolution to Spitgate?

Let’s get one thing out of the way first. If you were expecting any sort of follow-up to the fact that Sam projectile-spat on Dillon like Linda Blair, you will have to presumably wait until the reunion episode because IT IS NOT MENTIONED ONCE. Dillon has to make amends with Robert for being “aggressive” last week, but not once does Robert say, “Yo, I’m sorry that white boy spit on you.” It’s not in the previouslies. I don’t think I’ve ever truly seen a confrontation edited out of a reality TV show before? You’d think Finding Prince Charming would be promoting the Spit Watched ’Round The World (well in, like, 12 homes), instead of downplaying the aftermath. In fact, one of the scenes heavily promoted in the trailers for the series, where Dillon shouts, “I’m calling the cops!” during the altercation, never even made it to air last week. Logo, WYD? Drag Race would never let the biggest fight of its season go out with a whimper and not a bang.

No, we don’t get a resolution to Spitgate; instead, we get Robert showing up at the house the next morning to make breakfast for everyone. Which, sure, I guess is supposed to be romantic and domestic, but who the fuck cooks breakfast for people anymore? I order it on Postmates. Chad uses this opportunity to make out with Robert in some spinning basket chair by the pool while everyone else does the dishes and Paul makes creepy, googly eyes at Robert because you can tell he’s already thinking of how to Vertigo Robert and turn him into the mirror image of his DEAD FIANCÉ. I also want to point out that recently homeless, recently sober Brandon packages up all the eggs after breakfast and puts them in freezer bags, because you don’t just let good food go to waste like that. He probably put the eggs in his suitcase so he can wheel them out of the house when he leaves and have home-cooked meals for the next three weeks.

Robert takes three of the men on restaurant dates — Robby for the appetizer, Eric for the main course, and Brandon for the dessert. This also stresses out Paul, because in his mind he’s already picking out china patterns with Robert. During the appetizer, Robert points out how funny Robby is (the audience knows, trust me, Robert) but he wants to know if Robby can stop being polite and start getting real. Robby responds by kissing Robert and talking about how his beard smells. Like poppers and cream cheese, I’m sure! Eric is the main course and their date is as boring as Eric, so ...

We’re at the dessert date with Brandon, who’s probably stressed out wondering how he can ziplock-bag the rest of the food on the table to take home. Robert asks Brandon about his sobriety, since last week Brandon gave Robert his SOBRIETY NECKLACE to save himself, as if Brandon wasn’t going to be saved because he’s the hottest one in the house and Robert clearly wants to bang him. Robert wants to know how Brandon has the strength to stay sober in the house, as if these girls are doing lines while the cameras are rolling. Brandon pretends this question isn’t dumb and talks about inner strength or something, but you know he’s just thinking about eating some eggs later.

Since those three men got dates, the rest of the guys get to go on a workout date with Robert. I don’t get paid enough to watch people work out on television, so let’s just jump right ahead to the elimination ceremony, where Paul gets eliminated. This was honestly shocking, because you’d think the DEAD FIANCÉ card would have gotten Paul to the finals. Now everything’s been thrown out of whack for me. Does sober Brandon get to take Paul’s finale spot? Will Dillon get strung along to the finals now just so no one thinks Robert is racist like every other person who’s been the “bachelor” on a dating show?

Robert dismisses Paul by telling him that he should learn to have more fun and that he shouldn’t take life so seriously. Paul’s fiancé committed suicide mere weeks before this episode was taped and he, in a tailspin of anxiety and codependency, went on a reality TV show to replace the hole in his heart with a new man, but sure! Have more fun in life!

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