Today, Angelina Jolie-Pitt filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, putting the final nail in the coffin of the Great American Experiment. Haha. No, really, it’s fine. It’s totally fine. Love doesn’t always last. Relationships are tough, and people change, and something.
It’s OK. It really is OK. Everything is going to be OK. Here’s what you can do to be OK.
1. Remind yourself that you don’t actually know Angelina Jolie-Pitt and Brad Pitt.
2. You almost saw her at the Lego Store once, but you don’t know her.
3. No. No, you don’t.
4. Look in the mirror. Say “Angelina Jolie-Pitt” three times. If she doesn’t appear, you really don’t know her.
5. Try again, just saying “Angelina Jolie,” because maybe she dropped the Pitt already.
6. Nothing, right? OK.
7. Sit up in bed (you’re still in bed, the mirror is by your bed) and open your laptop. Don’t google Marion Cotillard. Don’t ask why yet — you’re not ready.
8. Watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith while eating Klonopin.
9. Forlornly browse the spread “Domestic Bliss: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt at Home” while eating quaaludes.
10. You have quaaludes?
11. Feel lucky that you have access to such a glam drug that was withdrawn from the market in the ’80s.
12. Read all of Angelina’s Vanity Fair and Vogue cover stories in chronological order, searching for clues.
13. Here is a clue: “We have similar interests but different approaches. He’s more involved in rebuilding New Orleans, environmental issues, green sustainability. I am more refugees.”
14. Angelina is more refugees.
15. Here is another clue: “I schedule individual time with each of the kids like a crazy person."
16. Angelina is like a crazy person.
17. Recall that Angelina allowed her children to doodle on her wedding dress.
18. Reread Brad Pitt’s weird thing in the New York Times from a few weeks ago. Look for more clues.
19. Recall that Brad Pitt was dressed in all white — including a white fedora — for that interview. This is a clue.
20. Here is another clue: Brad Pitt said, about Brexit, “Man, I never thought that would happen.”
21. Brad Pitt didn’t predict Brexit. Brad!
22. Back to that Domestic Bliss piece: It includes a photo of Brad Pitt pretending to sleep with his hands down his pants. Suspicious. Why would he sleep in pants?
23. Another clue: The entire movie By the Sea.
24. What the fuck was that movie?
25. Get drunk.
26. Google “reality is a computer simulation.”
27. Read this Neil deGrasse Tyson quote, then slowly stitch it onto a pillow so you look busy to the simulators: “We would be drooling, blithering idiots in [the presence of a being whose intelligence is much greater than our own]. If that it is the case, it is easy for me to imagine that everything in our lives is just a creation of some other entity for their entertainment.”
28. Recall that Angelina and Brad recently chose the Today show for a rare joint interview.
29. The only explanation for this is that Angelina and Brad are engineering the matrix that we currently recognize as reality.
30. Do not panic. You are still OK.
31. Following the advice of cosmologist Max Tegmark, go out and do really interesting things so the simulators (Brad and Angelina) do not shut you down.
32. Buy tickets to Kenya. Pack your bags full of Klonopin.
33. Fly to the Kenyan beach where Brad and Angelina were first photographed together.
34. Uhhh ...
35. Wow, you’re really in Kenya.
36. Look for footprints?
37. Notice that there is just one set of footprints.
38. Is it because Jesus is carrying us in our time of need?
39. No. No! It’s Brad. It’s Brad carrying us in his big strong arms! All of us. Because he knows we’re hurting.
40. Brad! Thank you, Brad.
41. Brad, why are you carrying us out to sea?