With a warm cup of tea freshly brewed, Robby positions himself in his chair and tilts his glasses ever so slightly, narrowing his eyes at the quickly unraveling Chad. “Last night in the hot tub, some accusations were thrown,” Robby says, initiating his inquiry. “Perhaps they were right, perhaps they were wrong. What do you think?”
Sensing his ruse has been uncovered by the surreptitiously perceptive detective, Chad reaches for the gun he’s hidden beneath the table ...
Oh, sorry. I started imagining Robby as Jessica Fletcher and got carried away. But think about how amazing that show would be.
Getting back to this show, Robby is clearly the best part of it. I’m already looking forward to when this season is over and we get to have Robby as our Prince Charming looking for love. That show will be appointment television. But meanwhile, we’re still stuck with people fighting over the increasingly boring Robert Sepúlveda Jr., who’s about as interesting as watching the paint dry on his latest sidewalk art installation.
The biggest throwdown in the house unfolds between the Disney-attractive Eric and the equally-attractive-if-it-weren’t-for-the-fact-that-he-owns-a-parrot Chad. It seems that Chad, while drunk, shoved his hands in his pants and attempted to seduce Eric the previous night. Chad doesn’t remember any of this and none of it was caught on camera, so I’m not sure why any of us care. Chad should have just brushed it off and moved on, but Paul can only talk about his DEAD FIANCÉ so much, and we need someone else to be a homosexual on the verge of a nervous breakdown this week.
However, I’m beginning to think that Chad might actually be a serial killer of some sort. This fixation on birds he has is bordering on Norman Bates’s predilection for taxidermy. Not only does sis own a parrot, he also uses the word “canary” 5,000 times this week when he claims that some CANARY in the house has been telling Robert that he’s causing trouble. Which, OK, Bugsy Malone. No gay man has used the expression “canary” since the halcyon days of the Mattachine Society.
The fight between Eric and Chad is put on hold for a beach day, where we have to endure dramatic shots of Robert emerging from the ocean like he’s a Bond girl until Lance Bass shows up (sans a swimming suit, because as you may remember, he is married and is not a thirsty ho like these other girls) to make everyone play beach volleyball. Robby names his team The Robettes because he really wants me to keep falling in love with him. Jasen’s team is named The Nice Guys, which is maybe foreshadowing about how NICE GUYS FINISH LAST, but we’ll get to Jasen’s spectacular undoing in a moment. The Robettes win volleyball and Justin is selected as the MVP for no other reason than Robert wanting to make out with him. Which is exactly what they do, while getting personal fragrances made or whatever.
Back to the drama: Sam, our resident villain, feels a bit left out since none of the drama this week has anything to do with him. He attempts to start a fight in the hot tub, but literally no one else is interested in engaging with him. Everyone’s too busy dealing with Chad versus Eric, which unfortunately doesn’t result in the knockdown drag-out fight in a lily pond that we all so richly deserve, but at least Chad does pack up his bags like a Boxcar Child and threaten to leave the house. He decides against it after Jasen persuades him to stay, which is ultimately Jasen’s downfall (he’s a NICE GUY, remember?), because when he goes on his own solo date with Robert (Justin picked Jasen and I can’t tell if he was being nice or if it was strategy), there’s less chemistry between them than Kristen Stewart and Jesse Eisenberg in a romantic comedy. And well, if you have to get rid of someone, are you gonna get rid of the hot, crazy person or the one you didn’t even bother making out with while you were having a spa night?
The black tie ceremony is hella confusing this week, because now the guys all have ties and so ... Robert has to ask for the tie back if he’s eliminating you. This puts extra strain on the editors of Finding Prince Charming because on The Bachelor, you can see who’s holding a rose in their hands. If everyone has on a tie, and you still don’t know what half these people’s names are, then how are you supposed to know who might be eliminated next? Not that it matters, because it’s painfully obvious that Jasen is about to get the boot. (I’m not saying that it’s because he doesn’t have a six-pack, but I’m not not saying it.) Paul manages to cry during the ceremony despite not having a storyline this week and Chad, as we’ve established, is unraveling faster than a wine-swilling Shonda Rhimes heroine. Chad has abs though, so he stays and Jasen leaves. It’s probably Jasen’s own fault for snitching on Chad to Robert during their solo date and telling Robert that Chad packed his bags. You know how the saying goes: Snitches get stitches, and canaries end up sleeping the big sleep.