This past weekend, millions of students hit the strip malls of suburbia to purchase multitudinous three-ring binders, painstakingly fill them with reinforced graph paper, and cry quietly in the shower. Also this past weekend, dozens of Hollywood's most confused constituents hit the deserts of Nevada to get fucked up and radically express themselves via Instagram. Taken at face value, these two events have nothing in common; in fact, the latter appears to openly mock the former both in form and content.
But look deeper — like a Burning Man might — and a paradigm-shifting parallel emerges. I'm talking about fashion, not drugs, but yes, also drugs. You see, the skull-splitting lewks debuted at Burning Man this weekend are ideal, if not platonically, for back-to-school style. So stick a peyote plant in your lunchbox and join me as I break down Burning Man fashion for the scholastic set.
The Celebrity: Katy Perry
How You Can Wear It To School:
These $22 Flash Rainbow sunglasses from Giant Vintage are perfect for that thing where you wear sunglasses to class and are ordered to take them off immediately and everyone calls you a douche. Paco Rabanne's chain-mail scarf is $140. You have $140, right? If not, get $140. And look! Here's some $6.27 yarn from a school-supply store. You have to go there anyway, so. Tie one piece to every strand of hair before you study for your physics test; even if you fail it, you still have a shit ton of yarn in your hair, and that's fun. This Etsy Fashion Kitty surgical mask isn't velvet, like Katy's, but that's okay, because it will still protect your friends from germs when you are performing minor cosmetic surgeries on them during recess for $140 a pop.
The Celebrity: Adrian Grenier
How You Can Wear It To School:
If you roll these $36 Asos camo shorts up all the way to your tush, then sit in a running dryer for a while, you will begin to approximate the essence of Adrian's shorts. Wear them topless when you're shopping for medical supplies at OfficeMax and nobody will ask any questions. Here's a pair of $25 orange steampunk goggles to protect your eyes during the cosmetic procedures. This barber-shop quartet costume vest from Party City is not remotely the same vest that's happening in this photo, but it is more durable for the surgeries. Now that you're rich, you can buy two of these $140 turquoise Schwinns from Walmart. But don't ride them. They are accessories. Here is a $16 gingham towel to wrap around your head when you are overwhelmed because you don't know how to actually do surgery.
The Celebrity: Paris Hilton
How You Can Wear It To School: These $5.68 pink fingerless leather gloves are for sure sterile. This is a fringed green table skirt from Oriental Trading Company. It is $7. Wear it with this $42 fringed macrame bikini top from Asos to your inevitable meeting with the school therapist and several authorities. When they begin to question you, remember that this $249 Rainbow Unicorn Faux Fur Vest/Men's Burning Man Reversible Vest/Disco Vest is perfect for reenacting the scene from Dead Poet's Society when Ethan Hawke stands on his desk and tells The Man to fuck off in his best disco vest. To underscore your point, here are some great foam letters to spell out MAGIC (or any word you want!). Don't stand on them, though.
The Celebrities: Nina Agdal and Cara Delevingne
How You Can Wear Them To School: Both Nina and Cara adopted a "sexy medieval malfunctioning robot" vibe for Burning Man. The good news is, now that you are being homeschooled, you can wear whatever you want! Nina got her outfit from New York Vintage, but since you can't leave the house without a parent or legal guardian, I'd suggest ordering this confusingly priced Suicide Squad knockoff costume from Etsy and either pairing it with this $35 white mesh Ivy Park tank top or slowly melting down your kitchen appliances, then molding them to the shape of your torso. Save at least one pan to wear as a hat.
The Celebrity: Scott Eastwood
How You Can Wear It To School: Scott Eastwood is doing Burning Man fashion all wrong in that he is dressed like a frat bro on a ski vacation, not an ancient genie on bath salts. However, now that you're finally allowed back to school under close and constant monitoring, you may want to take it down a notch for a few days and spend some time on Scott Eastwood's level. Here are some $120 Smith Vice snow goggles, because it's snowy outside, because it's winter now. This $24.99 flannel H&M shirt will help you blend in with your peers and eventually people will forget about the surgery thing. If you just take the wolf face off of this $48 wolf mask from Oriental Trading Company, it will look exactly like whatever is on Scott Eastwood's head. Or just wear the whole wolf face and lean into your new image.