The Vagina Monologues: Here's What Happens When Lady Parts Actually Speak Out Loud

If you’re toking up like the girls on 'Mary + Jane,' anything is possible

Hey, who said that?

Paige and Jordan were hearing voices after an uber-hip shop owner introduced them to "weed lube" on this week’s Mary + Jane -- according to the woman known as Mama J, the sexual aide "gives you a high that is so amazing, you’re able to connect with your inner self."

Little did the girls know she meant it literally: After using the stuff because they were out of regular pot, Paige and Jordan began to hear their vaginas talking. And that's not all -- when they attended a pal's bridal shower, they could also hear the lady parts of every woman who attended.

So what, exactly, was said? Here’s everything we learned thanks to this week's Mary + Jane -- and a bunch of talking vaginas:

  1. Activities for senior citizens include way more than Bingo

    Grandma Agnes had good reason to be exhausted at the bridal shower. "If you had an all-night orgy at Twilight Meadows, you'd be tired too," her vag complained. "Five orgasms, but no one could remember the goddamn safeword."

  2. It's all in the presentation

    "I want to grow my hair out," said one partygoer's private parts before wondering what was more in vogue: a "landing strip" or -- wait for it -- "disco bush."

  3. Bridal showers aren't everyone's cup of tea

    "Great -- another party with all girls," lamented one lonely vagina. "Is a penis EVER going to come visit?"

  4. Mama J doesn't like interruptions

    When the shop owner was counseling Jordan and Paige over the phone, her lady parts demanded, "Hang up, we were masturbating."

  5. Alyssa's fiancé is, um, gifted

    Mid-party, the bride-to-be gushed about her beau and recounted the day she realized she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Added her vag: "And then we spent all night with his perfect penis."

  6. Alyssa's fiancé is, um, a cheater

    When Lindsay saw Paige tripping on the weed lube, she got a lil' paranoid herself. Blurted her you-know-what: "She knows what we did -- she knows we slept with the groom!" #busted

  7. Paige's friends think she's an old-maid-in-the-making

    Observed one gal's genitalia: "She's got a month before those ovaries start to look like Detroit."

  8. Jordan needs to keep both feet on the floor

    Commenting on her endless frequent hookups, the brunette's vajayjay announced: "I'm tired of the constant parade of partners. I'm a delicate f*cking flower -- I need a break!"

  9. Some things are non-negotiable

    Paige's lady parts initially freaked out about being "mid-20s" and still single but then calmed down and reassured its owner: "We'll find our perfect fit, like Cinderella and her slipper. Only don't put a shoe up me. That's gross."

Which vagina monologue was your favorite? Tell us what made you LOL the most, then be sure to catch another Mary + Jane on Monday at 10/9c!


VMAs 2017