Lady Problems: The Girl With The Draggin’ Tattoo

Kurt, who even uses Facebook besides aunts?

Lady Problems is a weekly column that looks at how the entertainment industry — and its corresponding culture and constituents — is treating women in a given week. (Hint: It will almost always be “poorly.”) Every Thursday we’ll review the week's most significant woman-centric conflicts, then provide a brilliant solution to each problem that nobody in Hollywood will ever listen to or enforce.

The Lady Problem: Settle in for Very-Long-Story Time, dear readers.

Earlier this week, New York comedian Aaron Glaser was banned from performing at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater after several women came forward accusing him of rape. Other comedy clubs soon followed suit. Glaser, in a now-deleted Facebook post, denied the allegation and called the whole thing a "witch hunt," bemoaning the fact that he didn't have the opportunity to "face my accusers" (even though he has the opportunity to appeal UCB's decision). The Revelist spoke to one of Glaser's accusers anonymously; she recalled that, during her sexual encounter with Glaser, "I wasn't able to give consent, I couldn't speak, it was like my body was too heavy."

Among the (male, naturally) comedians who have since sprung to Glaser's defense: Kurt Metzger, a writer and comedian who's written for Inside Amy Schumer [Comedy Central and MTV are both owned by Viacom] and appeared on Louis CK's Horace and Pete. For the past several days, Metzger has been posting unhinged tirades on his Facebook page, railing against the UCB's decision, "social justice warriors," his critics — "the stupidest people alive" — and the women who accused Glaser, who should've gone to the police if they'd really been raped.

After commenters and multiple media outlets called Metzger a rape apologist and victim-blamer (among other things), Metzger just doubled down, writing, "YOU shitbag phony grandstanding 'internet feminists' need to pull your heads out of your cunts and your cunts out of your blogs, and try actually helping victims instead of spotlighting how unique and enlightened you are for being against rape." He went on to call the investigation a "lynch mob" and refer to the accusers as "the whitest women ever" (despite having zero knowledge of their race).

You won't be surprised to learn that Metzger has a history of shitting all over women online.

Other "internet feminists" called on Schumer, a vocal feminist and decrier of rape culture, to publicly denounce Metzger's posts and to fire him from her show. According to Vulture, Schumer at first blocked these women (Amy!), but later addressed the controversy, saying that Kurt didn't work for her (and also, confusingly, implying that Inside Amy Schumer had been canceled, a misconception that she's since sort of clarified). The whole thing is shady, really:

In a recent Facebook post, Metzger claimed that Schumer only spoke up because he "told her to ... I will not have other people go down for me."

The Solution: The only real solution here is for Metzger to shut the fuck up and get off Facebook. Not only is he making a full ass of himself; more significantly, he knows not of what he speaks. There are approximately 1 billion reasons why a woman wouldn't report her rape, or would report it anonymously — Reductress, which devoted its entire homepage this week to pieces that sent up this particular controversy, sums them up beautifully in "I Anonymously Reported My Rape for the Anonymus Attention." And as comedian Nikki Black wrote in a fire response to Metzger on Medium:

There are a myriad of reasons a woman might choose not to go to the police, be it that she is afraid she will get laughed out of court for a lack of evidence (gee, what kind of people could be giving her that idea, Kurt?), the aforementioned low rates of imprisonment, rampant rape kit destruction in the US, or, you know, because she didn’t fucking want to. Because it might be more work for her and she is already dealing with, you know, having been raped. ... Metzger thinks women who are speaking out against rape are the system. We are not the system. We have been forced to work outside the system because the system has failed us.

Failing that, us shitbag phony grandstanding internet feminists will reanimate a pile of dead raccoons, sew them into a trenchcoat, name the resulting figure Jiff Dilfyberg, then send it to loiter about Kurt Metzger's property, peeking in his windows and looming over him as he sleeps. When he complains about it, nobody will believe him, because that shit sounds insane.

As for Schumer: I don't totally blame her for being slow and a little weird on the draw. Girl's got Lady Problems of her own...

The Lady Problem: On Tuesday, Schumer released The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo, the book for which she received an advance somewhere between $8 and $10 million. Despite a slate of positive reviews and sitting at No. 7 on Amazon's list of bestsellers, the book only has a three (out of five) star rating on Amazon. Why? Because Reddit. It's always because Reddit.

As The Week reports, "Nettled, perhaps, by the book's success, or by the fact that a female comic's business acumen landed her one of the most lucrative celebrity book deals in the business, a small group of fans of the now-defunct Opie and Anthony radio show are trying to sabotage the comedian by leaving fake one-star book reviews." Opie and Anthony, for those unfamiliar, was a profligately racist radio show that fired its titular Anthony back in 2014 for a Twitter rant in which he accused a black woman of hitting him, calling her a "savage" and a "lying cunt," and writing that black people "aren't people." So, to be clear, this is the caliber of humans we're dealing with: Reddit bros who idolize a macro Reddit bro who tweeted that he was preyed upon by a "savage violent animal fuck" because he was white.

Yesterday, these tragic figures decided to create fake accounts and purposefully tank Schumer's ratings, urging each other to "Do your part. Submit more reviews. It’s still too high at 2.4 stars." Fortunately, these men are incapable of putting comprehensible sentences together; should any relatively intelligent person take a minute to read the fake reviews, they'd likely dismiss them instantaneously. "My friend Steve from Yellowstone recommended this book to me, though I couldn't understand him since he was yelling to his friend Ramon for some reason. I don't know what he was thinking recommending this to me. He must have been pranking me or something," reads one. "My daughter purchased this book and his [sic] come away from it loathing men. I was afraid of this but didn’t want to be a bigot. I’ll never have my sensible little girl back," reads another.

The Solution: Yet again, the solution is simple: These dudes need to get off the goddamn internet, remove their dicks from their own mouths, creep out from beneath the pile of hamburgers they've amassed, and take a walk around the block, gulping fresh air and shedding little pieces of hamburger as they go. But seeing as how we're dealing with Redditors — the most aggressive internet infection, impervious to the antibiotic of "common human decency" — we'll have to take matters into our own hands. Each time a Reddit bro creates a fake account just to give a one-star rating to Schumer's book, Amazon will henceforth only allow this bro to purchase one-star products. Some examples:

SimCity: Limited Edition, which user BirdOPrey 5 describes as "easily the worst way to spend $60 since your 'Jello of the Month' membership."

Org's Odyssey: A Tale of Post-Human Earth, which user girlvinyl describes as "pretty much the worst book I have ever read. It makes no sense and rambles on about things like how furries and humans get into these thunderdome type wrestling matches and then the humans eat the furrie/antro creatures."

Reborn Baby Doll Bottle Adorable ABC Design Yellow Lid + PLUS Yellow Orange White Pacifier with Putty AGES 8 YEARS + THIS IS A PROP - NOT A TOY, which user Amazon Customer describes as follows: "I thought I was purchasing a magnetic pacifier and it wasn't. Have to put tape on pacifier in order for it to stick to dolls mouth and it didn't work just as I though."

Just Scentsational FS-1 All Natural Scented Stone Bird Feeder Pest Repellent, which user grrrmama describes as follows: "Didn't Work At All ... squirrel went right to it ..."

2 Piles Large 6 Inch Spat of Realsitic [sic] Fake Rubber Barf, which user cat lover called "stupid" in a review titled "stupid."