Which Disgusting Premise Should Be The Sausage Party Sequel?

Tonight we're gonna Colostomy Party like it's 2060

Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s new animated comedy Sausage Party is the surprise hit of the summer, setting new standards for R-rated animated comedies with its $33 million debut. The movie follows the existential crises of a sexually frustrated cast of grocery food items, whose dreams of one day leaving the supermarket and entering The Great Beyond are crushed when it is revealed that the glorious orgiastic afterlife is in fact a march to a painful death-by-cooking. Despite its successful weekend opening, there are no plans for a Sausage Party sequel yet, though the movie’s location in Shopwell's, a chain grocery store, opens the possibility for the noble sausage Frank — inexplicably, "fuck" and "cunt" are fine, but no one will say "hot dog" — to continue his mission of liberation beyond the walls of his own supermarket into the world of mass consumption at large.

But if traditional sequels run out of steam, with a few transformations and just a little time, Sausage (Hot Dog) Party could be the recipe for Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg movies for years to come. Sausage (Hot Dog) Party’s audience of eager twentysomethings grew up as natives to the Disney Renaissance. We witnessed the invention of Pixar, we Netflixed and chilled to Bob’s Burgers and BoJack Horseman, and now we’re pushing dirty versions of what could have been kid’s movies to the top of the box office. Sausage (Hot Dog) Party proved we were ready to carry our adolescence into adult content. Why stop with Sausage Party’s mid-twenties milieu, when there’s so much more of adulthood left to be cartoonized?

Instead of a Ball Park® Franks Party sequel where we learn more about Frank and Brenda, why not jump from poking at millennial sex and religion anxiety into poking at millennial professional anxiety? Imagine Office Party, in which Tobey the 2B pencil, freshly sharpened after years of expensive X-ACTO training, enters the cutthroat world of office supply side capitalism — a world that is only amplified by the existing world of capitalism that envelops the human beings who control the fate of the office supplies. If the humans in Sausage Party are merciless gods, the humans of Office Party are host beings operating in symbiosis with the supplies that need them. Can Paul’s efficiency save his human deskmate from falling down the corporate ladder, or is Paul working himself up against a system that will continue to wear at him until he’s nothing but a soft, forgotten stub?

Of course, if Rogen and Goldberg are able to convince their investors to wait a few years for that Sausage Party sequel, they could always strike in 2030 with a midlife crisis update, called Pump Your Sausage Party, about a penis pump who can’t get over his longing for an escape from the domestic boredom that’s built up over 15 years with the same penis. Sausage Party’s climactic orgy dips its toes into the waters of anthropomorphized gay sex with Theresa the taco diving in on Brenda’s sausage (hot dog) bun and some un-lubricated jackhammering — good luck, fellas — between a bagel and a pita pocket. But with Seth Rogen performing the voice of the perpetually pounded penis pump, Pump Your Sausage Party proves once and for all that straight men are totally able to speak to the gay experience, making the movie into a groundbreaking moment for animation. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg win their first Oscar, and the artificially intelligent internet of 2030 autogifs the memorable moment from their heartfelt speech as they quip about how gays and penis pumps are just like us. (A note for future historians, when you search for Pump Your Sausage Party’s Oscar tally in later years, it will be incorrectly categorized as a win from 2031.)

It’s an unfortunate pattern in Hollywood that many of the screen’s biggest stars age out of the public eye, but with voice acting, age is irrelevant, and, in 2060, Rogen and Goldberg have another chance to wow the world with the highly anticipated Colostomy Party. Seth Rogen voices a sensitive colostomy bag named Pooper whose anxiety about retirement is ever growing, thanks to what he knows to be the finite life span of colostomy bags. Pooper’s lowest point comes as his grand dreams to retire on his own terms are thwarted by a hospital-wide outbreak of norovirus, and he becomes offended at the climax when his girlfriend — Piper the Catheter, Pooper’s perfect fit, the only medical supply in the whole ward who truly understands him — accuses him of being full of shit. Rogen’s adult diaper friend, played by Jonah Hill, pipes up, wondering what’s so wrong about being full of shit, while Salma Hayek’s cameo as the sexy breast pump from the maternity ward overstaying her tourist visa is hilarious, clever, and not at all a Latin stereotype.

Alone in our hospital beds, watching conveniently on our antiquated iPhone 12s, we’ll all laugh uproariously at this new diversion, our stomachs tightening so hard we overwhelm our own colostomy bags and catheters. Later we’ll commiserate with our nurses about the irony of wearing a colostomy bag while watching Colostomy Party, and don’t you remember 40 years ago when we were laughing about food? What was that movie called again? The one where the hot dog had an orgy. Sausage Party, yes, that’s it. Hadn’t thought about it in years.