This week, Jonah Hill and Miles Teller will star in War Dogs, a movie about two white dudes who supply weapons to troops in Afghanistan. It's a strange time in our nation's history to be releasing a movie fixated entirely on weapons and the acquiring thereof, but we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about something even more troubling: The fact that, according to the internet, Miles Teller and Ansel Elgort are not the same person.
Until very recently (when I Googled "Who is in War Dogs"), I had been operating under the impression that Miles and Ansel were, if not the exact same person, at the very least wholly interchangeable, like two elements that could easily be subbed in for one another in a complicated chemical equation without accidentally blowing up the lab. Both are 6-foot-tall-ish and seem to have the kinds of faces that morph based on salt intake. Both have orbited around Shailene Woodley for years and years, playing brothers and boyfriends and dystopian ne'er-do-wells. Both seem to have been named by drunk elves. Both have the sex appeal of a well-made suitcase.
So how, ultimately, can we tell them apart? In the inevitable event of an alien invasion, when the aliens say, "Bring us Ansel Elgort," and we only have a few seconds to figure out which one is Ansel Elgort, how can we confidently present the aliens with Ansel Elgort? Take the quiz below to assess and improve your Elgort/Teller IQ, and feel free to refer to it in the event of the aforementioned alien crisis.
1. Who wore a blue tuxedo to the Oscars last year?
2. Who starred in Prada's 2015 spring campaign?
3. Who played Shailene Woodley's boyfriend and also Shailene Woodley's brother?
4. Who played Shailene Woodley's boyfriend and also a person who beats Shailene Woodley into unconsciousness?
5. Who took Shailene Woodley's character's virginity on screen?
6. Who said, "As human beings, we all strive to be Divergents"?
7. Who said that Divergent made him feel "dead inside"?
8. Who said Shailene Woodley tasted like dirt?
9. Who said Shailene Woodley didn't taste like dirt?
10. Who smells "more pheromone-y"?
11. Who smells "...is 'delicious' an appropriate word to say for a man"?
12. Who was on the shortlist to play Han Solo in the upcoming Star Wars spinoff?
13. Who got the role of Han Solo in the upcoming Star Wars spinoff?
14. Confusingly, considering the answer to question number five, who moonlights as a DJ named Ansolo?
15. Who was named GQ's Breakout Man of the Year in 2014?
16. Who was not a GQ Breakout Man of the Year in 2014, but was in a GQ video suggesting other people for Man of the Year?
17. Who did Esquire call "dickish" in a cover story?
18. Who, in an interview with Shailene Woodley, called the other a "dick"?
19. Who, relatedly, has a Roman-numeral tattoo on his arm that is a reference to the 32-ounce beers his high school friends were forced to buy because forties were not available in Florida?
20. Who thinks he is "better-looking than the public thinks I am"?
21. Who told GQ he is the "most threatening man ever"?
22. Who has "never once wanted Shailene Woodley sexually, which is nice"?
23. Who joked that the highball glass was "modeled after his cock"?
24. Who sent this DM to Kobe Bryant: "Kobe, watched your Showtime documentary. Really related to what you're talking about and striving for greatness and how it can oftentimes be an isolated journey, and how relationships can be a weakness in a way, if you're really kind of going after it."
25. Who "literally has four teeth"?
26. Who tweeted, "If you don't know my name and you don't know what movie I'm from don't come ask for a picture while I'm trying to eat Chipotle."
27. Who cannot cut his own meat?
28. Who said this thing: "I love when a girl is like, 'I can't hang out. I have to go to class.' And I go pick her up and she's all sweaty in a leotard with her hair in a bun. That's the hottest thing ever."
29. Who said this thing? "Me and my buddies prided ourselves. We were like, 'Nobody smokes this much pot. I guarantee you can ask anyone in this dorm, man… we smoke a lot.’ I didn’t do a single play when I was in college, because all I wanted to do was smoke pot. I did zero extracurricular activities so I could get high."
30. Who said this thing: "I don't really care that some trashy girl, like, now all of the sudden wants to fuck me. That's not really that interesting to me."
31. Who said this thing: "LaGuardia [High] is a wonderful, wonderful place. If you're like me and you love dancers, you just have to walk up to the eighth floor and you can get one."
32. Who is in War Dogs?
33. If Ansel Elgort is walking to Chipotle at three miles an hour, and Miles Teller is walking to Chipotle at four miles an hour, and Miles Teller gets to Chipotle first and orders his steak tacos at 11 a.m., and Ansel Elgort walks in and orders the same tacos at 11:10 a.m., who will eat their tacos first?
34. Fuck, marry, kill: Ansel Elgort, Miles Teller, Chipotle.
35. Why do the aliens want Ansel Elgort?
3. Ansel Elgort.
4. Miles Teller.
10. Ansel Elgort.
11. Miles Teller.
14. Ansel Elgort.
15. Ansel Elgort.
16. Miles Teller.
17. Miles Teller.
18. Ansel Elgort.
19. Miles Teller.
20. Miles Teller.
21. Ansel Elgort.
23. Miles Teller.
24. Miles Teller.
25. Miles Teller.
26. Ansel Elgort.
27. Miles Teller.
28. Ansel Elgort.
29. Miles Teller.
30. Ansel Elgort.
31. Ansel Elgort.
32. Miles Teller.
33. Ansel Elgort (Miles is having trouble cutting the meat in his tacos, both with his teeth and his various implements).
34. Really your call.
35. He has more teeth.