Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social-media shenanigans. Every Friday, I will decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz is having the best week ever, because there’s a new messy captain of the U.S.S. Scammer. This week, Instagram debuted a new feature called Instagram Stories where you can share videos or photos that will only live on the app for 24 hours. This feature is, of course, a blatant rip-off of Snapchat. Even Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom acknowledged this by saying, “They deserve all the credit.” Is theft still theft when you acknowledge it? I don’t particularly care, because Snapchat has always been a confusing app to use even for this millennial, who isn’t confused by buttons and technology. Instagram has a completely different interface and is much easier to use, as evidenced by the amount of people who’ve been popping up in my Instagram Stories who I’ve never seen use Snapchat before. Also, since it’s featured at the top of the app, more people tend to see my Stories than have ever double-tapped my regular pictures. I don’t know whether that means my friends are petty and scroll by my photos often without liking them, or if now it’s easier to actually see content from your friends using Stories. Regardless … I don’t have much of a problem with Instagram. The problem I do have is with the salty Snapchat users who’ve taken to Instagram stories to post their Snapchat handles.
Look, if I wanted to follow you on Snapchat, I already would. And now that I’m being confronted with users’ constant stream of thoughts in a much easier way than Snapchat allows, I’m realizing that some of my friends should only be seen and not heard. I liked you better when you just put up an Instagram of your food — I don’t need to hear you talking while you cook. Maybe Snapchat is ultimately better because its Darwinian interface means that the older, boring friends of yours will stay far away and keep posting their daily minutiae on Instagram and Facebook instead of the app “the kids” are using. And I don’t mean “the kids” in the way that RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Keke Palmer might explain.
Should Instagram Delete Its Account? This Stories feature has got to go. I don’t care about these damn people. It’s easier to engage with them when it’s just a photo, not when they’re recording themselves driving to an Applebee’s. It also highlights that, unlike Twitter and Facebook, Instagram has no mute button, so now I’m going to have be extra rude and start unfollowing people. Instagram is about to make me lose friends. But Instagram doesn’t care. Instagram is cruel.
I feel like the most interesting thing about David Ayer is that every time I see his name, the Flo Rida song “In the Ayer” gets stuck in my head. Aside from that, Ayer is the director of Suicide Squad, the movie people somehow hate more than arguing with Jill Stein supporters on Facebook. I personally haven’t seen the film yet, so I have no ill will toward it and I also liked Batman v. Superman, so who knows, maybe I’ll like this film that personally killed the lover of every film critic in America and left them on a path of revenge.
Anyway, at the Suicide Squad premiere, Ayer shouted "fuck Marvel!" in a heated moment, and that shit, of course, went viral. He was forced to tweet an apology, but his apology … is a thing to behold. “Respect for my brother filmmakers” is such an interesting thing to say, because why not just say filmmakers? Why point out brothers, unless you’re making a point that Marvel has yet to hire a woman to direct any of their Cinematic Universe films, whereas DC has Wonder Woman, directed by Patty Jenkins, set to be released next year? So bravo, Ayer. It’s a subtle bit of shade that I didn’t actually think straight white men were capable of … though, to be fair, my only interaction with straight white men is via reruns of Scrubs.
Should Ayer Delete His Account? I mean, if he’s read even one review of Suicide Squad, hasn’t Ayer gone through enough this week?
It has not been a good few weeks for Scott Baio. That’s because he’s been everywhere shilling for Donald Trump like he’s going to green-light a Charles in Charge reboot. He’s also been moonlighting as a sexist asshole when it comes to Hillary Clinton and he was appropriately dragged by Tamron Hall. Because Tamron is not here to play with Scott Baio. She has SAG-AFTRA President Andrea Zuckerman on speed dial and she will fuck up the delivery of his Happy Days residual checks.
Now, he’s decided it’d be easier going after a fellow TV star who, like him, loves to get messy on social media every few weeks: Rose McGowan. Don’t get me wrong, my love for Rose is as strong as her desire to torch every Charmed DVD like she’s Left Eye. But there’s literally nothing she won’t pen an open letter for. Ending sexism in Hollywood … her favorite item going missing from Trader Joe’s … petitioning for Ben Affleck to be part of a 20-year Phantoms retrospective in 2018 … you name it. So it should be no surprise that she wrote one to Scott Baio. And thus, a feud was born.
And then Baio went far beyond being Donald Trump’s fluffer to being an actual piece of trash. “Keep getting plastic surgery” is a dick move, particularly when your own career is in desperate need of a nip and tuck. Waiting by your phone to get invited to the Arrested Development Season 5 table reading can be hard, I’m sure, but you don’t need to fill the time by being a misogynistic barnacle to boot.
What are you even doing, Baio? Is Donald Trump paying you? Do you just get off being the submissive to a masc, dom Trump? Do you enjoy being in the media not because you’re landing acting roles, but because you’re getting into fights with Starbucks baristas? Fonzie didn’t die jumping over that shark for this.
Should Scott Delete His Account?
ANTONIO SABATO JR.
Antonio Sabato Jr. claims that Hollywood has “blacklisted” him because he spoke at the RNC. Pardon my confusion, but doesn’t Hollywood have to know who you are to get blacklisted? Are casting directors really worried about former soap stars who tweet about how Hillary Clinton needs to go to jail? If you’re doing a celebrity version of Cupcake Wars, I can guarantee that you weren’t about to snag a guest role on Mr. Robot anytime soon.
But if you really do need a job, maybe Sprinkles is hiring?
Should Antonio Delete His Account? Antonio should probably be filling out his unemployment paperwork instead of tweeting all the damn time.