It’s time to stop wasting our time and talk about what we’ve all been thinking: Somewhere, floating around the music industry’s infinite grasp, is a pop star who’s waiting to be crowned the new Harry Potter.
Or, you know, the Harry Potter equivalent (since Harry’s 36, already exists, and has three kids).
Which is a lot harder than it looks! While sorting musicians into Hogwarts houses is easy (when I say T-Swift, you say “Slytherin!”), determining the actual Artist Who Lived™ is more complicated than throwing on a hat and hoping for Gryffindor. So, with Harry Potter and the Cursed Child officially commanding our hearts and minds, here’s my theory on who is music’s Harry Potter.
We’ll begin with my best friend, Aubrey. A man at the top of his game, Drizzy grew up in the business, rising from days and nights on Degrassi before emerging victorious as a hip-hop king. So this makes him like Harry, right?
How dare you. To start, while Drake may over-romanticize the notion of having started at the bottom, Harry Potter actually did, having lived below a staircase in the home of his abusive aunt and uncle. He was undermined constantly before finding his crew (a similarity, I admit), but unlike Aubs, Harry thrived as part of a team, never once touting himself as the best. (Minus that one time in the library when Hermione hit him over the head with a book after he referred to himself as The Chosen One.) Drake does not a Harry make.
So who is he?
Severus Snape. You heard me. A man with a permanent chip on his shoulder. A man who believed he was capable of wonderful things. (Think of how hard Snape fought to be the Dark Arts professor — and how he thrived as Headmaster. Like, in his own way.) Plus, Rihanna’s his Lily Potter, but alive and not married and dating Drake, I think. Drake is Snape if Snape had avoided becoming a Death Eater, told Lily how much he loved her, and had the guts to ask for a promotion. And like Harry, I will also name my children after him.
My beautiful, precious baby boy. A boy who lives shoeless, shirtless, sometimes pantsless, and always full of deep thoughts. He is an enigma, a mystery, a child who speaks in code. And while I’m tempted to chart his path alongside H.P.’s, we both know that’d be a phenomenal waste of time. Because even while Harry also peaked in his late teens, he never stood out for his eccentricities, only his greatness. Biebs, on the other hand, is straight-up weird. And there’s only one other character who can compare.
So who is he?
Okay, fine, there are two. (My post, my rules.) One the one hand, Justin is akin to Luna Lovegood: He holds wisdom, he’s a true individual, and if he told me his necklace kept away the nargles, I’d believe him and ask him to make me one too. And, like Luna, I believe his insight into the world will save us all in some capacity — but particularly in a massive battle that relies on knowledge only he has about a missing crown.
But unlike Luna, Justin is outspoken. He is rash and immature and ruled by his emotions. And in that way, he is Sirius Black. He is especially like Sirius Black when he’s petty, posting photos that call out Taylor Swift instead of keeping his head down and working and trying not to be busted by Death Eaters. In short, you know J-Biebs would show up disguised as a dog, despite being on a Most Wanted list — just to relay a message that Moody would’ve been more than equipped to. Be careful, my boy.
Are you laughing as hard as I am at the idea that Beyoncé is Harry Potter? Of course Beyoncé isn’t Harry Potter. Beyoncé would never deign to even consider being Harry Potter. I’m honestly mad at myself for even typing “Beyoncé” and “Harry Potter” in the same sentence. Like, I love Harry Potter, but even Harry Potter is in awe of Beyoncé.
So who is she?
Hermione f*cking Granger, you monster. Or: The only reason anybody survives the Battle of Hogwarts at all.
I mean, obviously not. You guys saw that selfie, right? There’s just no way.
So who is he?
He is Ron, and I know that as soon as I said it, you were like, “Oh my God! Anne! You’re a genius!” (Thank you, and I know.) This is not just because he’s married to Hermione, but because I am sure that if one of Jay’s best pals were dealing with a “gotta catch ’em all!” situation, he’d totally roam around looking for Horcruxes with him.
Pro: Like Harry Potter, Ariana Grande stands out. Her ponytail is her lightning bolt scar; her voice, her magic power. But there just isn’t enough. She grew up on television, transitioned seamlessly into adulthood, and has two MAC lipsticks named after her. She worked hard for it, sure, but Harry’s adolescence was defined by drama. Ariana? “Not today, Satan.” Which is why she is 100 percent the following dude.
So who is she?
Did you think I’d forget about Neville? Did you think I’d forget that out of the blue, out of everybody, Neville stands up and kills Voldemort? Let’s talk about the fact that Ariana is a Gryffindor, but only by association. Like Neville, she fits in well enough with her peers, but she’s arguably living her own truth. She performs alongside Nicki Minaj and writes songs with Harry Styles, but she’ll also lick donuts and be forced to apologize. In short, she’s weird (a great thing) and also learning. Which is why if we found out that she slayed a massive snake and saved the world, I doubt we’d be very shocked. It takes true “I’m doing me, I’m doing me” to summon the sword of Gryffindor.
I don’t want to start anything, but I will say that you probably know anybody who stages Fourth of July photo shoots is not Harry Potter. Same if you make any romantic partner pledge their allegiance to you via tank top.
So who is she?
Draco Malfoy. (Oh, like you’re shocked.) She’s blonde, came up in money, and is heavily affiliated with Slytherin’s official symbol. I’m not saying she would hug Voldemort, but I am saying I could hear her telling someone, “My father’s going to hear about this!”
Well, look who we’ve found: The Artist Who Lived™! True, Ye did not grow up in the same spirit as Harry (he was close to his mom and did not live under the stairs). But he was special. Upon his musical debut, Yeezy was already considered the best: an artist who was doing brave and exciting things. And then he grabbed that mic from Taylor and the rest was history.
He lived. He survived. He turned a clusterfuck around and apologized, going on to release My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, which cemented him as one of the most important artists of, well, ever. But in the wake of that challenge, he kept coming up against more (T-Swift-related dialogue; super uncool Amber Rose commentary). But when necessary, he evolved and grew and kept writing and creating and using honesty as his weapon. Ultimately, his authenticity became his magic. But instead of drawing out his wand, Kanye drew out more of Kanye, making it impossible to destroy him since he operated only under who he was/is/will be. He’s said it all, so we have nothing else to say. And that, friends, is power.
In short, Kanye now operates with the fearlessness of Harry after meeting Voldemort in the forest and briefly dying: He chooses to come back to us and outdoes himself again and again, whether creatively or while urging Apple to cough up a check and buy Tidal from his BFF, Jay.
Although, for the record, Kim is not a Ginny. But we’ll let that slide for today.