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Winners And Losers: 101 Damn Days To Go Edition

The coronations are over, but the campaign is just beginning

Winners

Carrying Around a Pocket Constitution and Pulling It Out in the Middle of Your Speech

Khizr Khan, an American Muslim whose son died while serving in the Army, was one of the most memorable speakers of the entire convention — especially when he pulled out a pocket constitution and brandished it at Donald Trump, saying, “Have you even read the United States Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy.”

He followed that up by telling Trump to go to Arlington National Cemetery and look at the graves of the patriots of all faiths, genders, and ethnicities who have sacrificed everything for their country. “You have sacrificed nothing and no one.” It was a powerful moment — a complete rejection of Trump’s entire campaign, as well as his life, career, and essence.

Sheila E.

Best musical performance of either convention.

Going to Goodwill and Picking Up All the Unused Issues That Republicans Threw Out Before Their Convention

Donald Trump wanted to downsize the GOP this year, so he went through the list of issues and talking points that the party usually focuses on and threw out all of the ones he didn’t really care for. Those that didn’t involve walls, beating Hillary Clinton, America being a bucket of crap, trade, and trusting Trump to fix all of the problems were tossed in a scented garbage bag and sent off to the thrift store. Democrats, desperate to say absolutely anything to win over voters wary of Trump, went and bought that bag for $5 and stuffed everything — and we mean everything — that didn’t appear in the GOP convention into the past four days. It seemed like the Democrats seized the opportunity to try to channel Hamilton fever and become motherfucking Democratic-Republicans (albeit with a far more modern idea of what such a label would mean). There was a lot of talk about morality and faith, so much patriotism, many people with military connections, and endless “USA!” cheers drowning out the “no more war” chants.

Most Republicans, it needs to be said, have already made up their mind about not voting for Hillary.

Who would have predicted 12 years ago that this is how Democrats would present themselves to the nation? No wonder Bernie Sanders supporters don’t seem to have been enjoying it very much. On top of all that, Clinton mentioned tons of Democratic policy areas in her speech, leaving behind the message, “I am for nearly every possible issue that you can think of, except for the ones Trump mentions.”

Anyone Who Has Ever Been as Excited as Carole King or the People Listening to Her Sing on Thursday

We already knew from the Kennedy Center Honors last December that few people experience joy quite so expressively as Carole King. On Thursday night, she sang “You’ve Got a Friend,” and she was feeling it almost as much as everyone singing along. There was swaying! Everyone knew all the words! Smiling!

May you one day be as happy as them. Or as Hillary seeing the end of the convention.

Stunting

Firsts

Sarah McBride became the first openly transgender woman to speak at a presidential convention on Thursday. Lupe Valdez, the only female Latina sheriff in the whole country — who also happens to be openly gay — also spoke. We’re assuming you’ve heard about the Hillary Clinton thing.

Black Jesus

Reverend Doctor William Barber II, president of the North Carolina NAACP, introduced himself as a “theologically conservative, liberal, evangelical biblicist,” and then proceeded to deliver a rousing stem-winder of a sermon that drew from the Bible to build a theological foundation for social and economic justice. Along the way, it identified Jesus as a “brown-skinned Palestinian Jew.” He got people so excited that when he ended with a shout of “hallelujah!” the crowd at the Democratic National Convention roared “hallelujah” right back at him. It was a reminder of how present faith has been at this convention, and how uncharacteristically absent it was from the Republican one.

Losers

Scott Adams, Writer of Dilbert and a Big Donald Trump Guy

Trump’s Thin — And Now Irritated — Skin

When Hillary wasn’t listing her policy priorities at great length (her eternal “I want to govern for you, not just campaign for you” push), she shared some Trump burns that assumed he was thinking up tweets to respond with in real time. Here’s a sample:

— “Now Donald Trump says, and this is a quote, ‘I know more about ISIS than the generals do …’ No, Donald, you don’t.”

— “Imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

— “But here’s the sad truth: There is no other Donald Trump. This is it.”

How Clinton Will Feel When She Leaves This Convention Bubble

This week took place in a strange alternate dimension where Clinton didn’t have to deal with anyone saying anything negative about her, which will quickly fade on Friday morning. Outside of the convention hall, 55 percent of Americans have an unfavorable opinion of her. A majority of Americans think she is not trustworthy. This election is being contested by the two most unpopular presidential candidates of all time, and changing minds on two candidates who are already nearly universally known will be difficult. We’ll see in the upcoming weeks how much this week’s Hillary Clinton miniseries changes this thus far unpredictable election. Either way, this election is going to be nasty.

Time-Traveling Democrats From the ’80s

Not sure why you chose July 28, 2016 as the date to travel to, but hope you’re doing OK after the shock of seeing Democrats cheer Ronald Reagan several times at a presidential convention! And yes, those are Republicans speaking. If it makes you feel any better, this whole election year has been exceptionally weird. You know that guy who’s always on the cover of Spy? Yeah, he’s the Republican nominee. Wait, oh god, did you just faint? Hello?

This Stuff That We Are Tired Of

“America,” “the American Dream,” “zero-sum games,” “ladders of opportunity,” visions for America, making history, “these United States of America,” “Donald Trump,” the intro music for the “Trump in His Own Words” segments, the “Trump in His Own Words” segments, people who won’t fight for me, people who will fight for me, chanting, “our problems,” “hate,” “love,” “unity,” being one people, “Fight Song,” people being my voice, people yelling into microphones that are on, the glass ceiling, the microphone is on, we can actually hear you because microphones amplify sound that’s the point of microphones, “progressive who gets things done,” “keeping America safe,” pausing, after, every, single, word, yelling random states so you can see if they will scream on call, “the soul of America,” “new solutions,” “Fight Song,” card stunts, plans, “a country of immigrants,” “the American people,” “the American experiment,” “the promise of America,” “this great country of ours,” “keeping promises,” Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine, America being great already, “Making America Great Again,” “Fight Song,” interstitial music, anything that wasn’t delegates dancing, the English language, the sound of my own breathing.

Please go out and vote so that enduring these conventions for two weeks wasn’t all for nothing.


VMAs 2017