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Imagining What The Democratic Convention Speakers Might Say

Another week, another endless stream of speakers trying to put a nice little frame around the election cycle

We tried to foreshadow what speakers at the Republican convention might say; now it's the Democrats' turn. Here's a look at how we think the speech summaries for a few of the scheduled speakers for this week might look.

Note: These are bad predictions and mostly reflect the fact that we would rather watch Al Franken draw a picture of the United States than see people drone on about the election for hours.

Bill Clinton

I'll Never Be Allowed on the Campaign Trail Again Unless This Speech Is as Good as the One I Did During the Last Convention, a.k.a. Watch as This Five-Page Speech Magically Becomes 15 Pages Long Before Your Very Eyes, a.k.a. Let's See If I Completely Forget About the Fact that My Presidency Ever Happened and Only Talk About Obama and Hillary

Joe Biden

Here Are The Six Reasons You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone — Actually They Are Just Six Finger Guns Paired With Winks, But Anyway Here Are Some Reasons Democrats Are Great

Bernie Sanders

The “Never Can Say Goodbye” Tour: Bernie Plays His Greatest Hits, Including “The Rigged Economy,” “The MillionAIRES and the BillionAIRES,” and “Do You Believe in Love After Gov”

Michelle Obama

A Preview of the 2024 Republican Presidential Spouse's Address

President Barack Obama

Remember When I Did This 12 Years Ago and Everyone Loved It So Much that I Became President? Also, Here Is a List of All The Things I've Accomplished Tied Up with an Anecdote About Someone in a Swing State and Then a Sweeping Finale About How We Still Have a Lot to Accomplish But America Is Still Pretty Great

Senator Elizabeth Warren

A/B Testing: Trying Out 10 New Ways to Make Fun of Donald Trump While Threading in My Argument on Income Inequality to See Which One Makes You Clap Loudest

Senator Tim Kaine

Nice Things Are Great: Here Are Some Words to Make You Forget That This Election Cycle Is a Treasure Chest of Crap, or a Diversion to Make You Stop Thinking About Emails

Chelsea Clinton

Have You Heard That My Mom Is a Grandmother and That This Election Is All About the Children?

Lena Dunham

We Found One: A Personal Essay About Being a Millennial Who Supports Hillary Clinton

Chloe Grace Moretz

Fixing the Narrative: Teaching Millennials How to Defend Hillary Using Lessons Gleaned from the Kim Kardashian Snapchat Incident

Mike Bloomberg

Not That Anyone Was Wondering Because Most Independents Probably Don't Care Much About What I Think, Which Is Why I've Never Run for President, But I'm With Her — Plus Not Going to Mention Anything About My Past with Stop-and-Frisk or Inequality, Nope, We'll Just Forget That

Senator Cory Booker

Does Anyone Mind If I Snapchat from Up Here; Or, a Story About the Party of Change

Senator Barbara Boxer

I Began My Career in the Year of the Women, and It's Ending with the First Woman Presidential Candidate... and Everyone's Yelling “Lock Her Up”

Senator Sherrod Brown

Ohio Is The Best State: Why My State, Which Is Beautiful and So Smart, Should Definitely Vote for Democrats, Pretty Please

Congressman Joaquin Castro

Now You'll Never Know What Could Have Happened If the Vice-President Had a Twin Brother... Anyway, Here Are the Issues We're Going to Talk About to Try and Win the Latino Vote

Former Governor Howard Dean

[This speech was whispered too softly for us to figure out what he was talking about]

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio

Product Demo: How to Export My Ideas on Income Inequality to Other Cities Without Corrupting the Original File

Senator Al Franken

Intermission: Watch As I Perfectly Draw a Map of the United States and Color in All The States We Desperately Need to Win

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

I Got Into Politics Because of Hillary Clinton's Beijing Speech, Plus Other Reminders of Things from Her Past You Don't Hate

Former Governor Jennifer Granholm

A Defense of Wokeness

Former Governor Martin O’Malley

I Know You Missed Me Talking About All the Reasons Maryland Is the Most Perfect State Ever Created During the Debates, So Here Are a Few More Reasons

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid

First Look: A Peek at All the Ways I Will Try to Cement My Status as the Democrats' Downton Abbey Dowager Countess Before I Retire

Senator Chuck Schumer

Reminder: Don't Forget There Are Other People Running Besides Clinton and Trump, Because I Would Like to Be Senate Majority Leader