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Not Today, Ben Carson

Lucifer distances himself from the presidential race

You may know me as Lucifer, bringer of light and incorrigible career rebel. I feel it is imperative that I address, and correct, Dr. Ben Carson for yawning my name like a drowsy exhalation of flies in the same breath as Hillary Clinton's. And for what? Because she has an association with Saul Alinsky, who mockingly acknowledged me in the preface of a book? That means little old me is somehow backing her campaign and the Democratic Party? I think not.

It is well documented that I have a somewhat troubled history with those who hold dominion over anything, so why on Earth would I support any form of authority? Let me set the record straight once and for all: I do not now support, nor have I ever supported, a candidate, despite repeated claims to the contrary. I am not wasting my time pulling strings behind the scenes and manipulating world governments for my own ends to bring about the downfall of humanity. Y’all are managing that just fine on your own.

Climate change, and the vehement denial of it by American conservatives, is one of the best things your country's ever done. I can’t wait until the world is just one big simmering stew, and neither can y’all. Then there’s growing poverty and health crises because y’all refuse to even pay a living wage. Oh and the hate, let me tell y’all about the hate! So many of you are busy picking fights with people who ain’t never done a thing to you. Here’s my little secret: Gays, Muslims, transgender people, and immigrants don’t concern me at all! They mean even less to you. But that sweet, sweet bigotry y’all been cooking up? That is like manna from the place I got kicked out of for complaining to the manager.

You see, Ben, I’ve been taking it easy for a while now. Sure, I used to rile up angels to rebellion and tempt the righteous, but that’s all behind me. Aside from stirring up the occasional Twitter fight, I don’t really meddle in human affairs. Everything’s already on fire. All I have to do is get comfortable.

It might also do you some good to remember that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy person to enter the kingdom where I used to reside. Think on that one while you’re getting all chummy with Trump and his entourage. And get some rest, Ben. You look like Hell.