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The Real Winners And Losers: GOP Convention! Part Deux Edition

The GOP death march continues

Winners

Donald Trump

Donald Trump is now the Republican presidential nominee. It’s been a long journey, stretching from 1988, when he said he might run in order to boost book sales, to that time in 1999 when he thought about running on the Reform Party ticket. He didn’t, and went on Hardball to say, “People want me to [run for president] all the time … I don’t like it. Can you imagine how controversial I’d be? You think about him [Clinton] and the women. How about me with the women? Can you imagine?”

Now, he’s made it through a year in which the size of his penis was questioned, he doubted whether several of his opponents were American citizens and wondered if an opponent was telling the truth about his dad not helping to kill JFK, he endorsed torture, he tweeted the words, “Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism” after a mass shooting, and he didn't do anything to prevent violence at his rallies — among plenty of other things.

When Trump officially got 1,237 delegates, these words flashed on stage.

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Yup, that about sums it up.

Urine

Useless Trivia That Will Briefly Restore Your Faith in Humanity

Did you know that Connecticut was the home of Pez? Or that Oregon is the home of Tillamook cheese and unrivaled natural beauty? Did you know that Alexander Hamilton and Tim Duncan were born in the Virgin Islands?

I'm assuming not, unless you happen to have edited the Wikipedia page for every state and territory in the United States or watched the roll-call vote at the Republican convention on Tuesday, which functioned as the last chance that #NeverTrump had to make a statement and an opportunity for earnest delegates in fancy hats to make a quick elevator pitch for why their state is the greatest of them all. Oddly, South Dakota did not try to reprise its big ad push from last year: “Why die on Mars when you can live in South Dakota?”

Lucifer, the Wicked One, Serpent of Old and Son of Perdition

Ben Carson went off the prompter to condemn Hillary Clinton by tying her to Satan via Saul Alinsky and declaring that there was no way Americans could elect as president someone whose hero praised Lucifer. This was the core of his incredibly brief speech. G.E. Smith and the GOP house band followed the speech by immediately breaking into a performance of Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Shining Star.” Those of you who are either Bible scholars or Latin students will recognize that “Lucifer” literally translates as “morning star.” G.E. Smith's third eye is open. The man is so woke, he will never sleep again.

Losers

Paul Ryan

A lot can change in four years.

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Jeb Bush

Excitement

Chris Christie's Treatment for the New Show Judge Christie

Judging from the New Jersey governor’s speech, which started by announcing his intent to list every reason why Hillary Clinton is unqualified for the presidency and was soundtracked by a steady beat of “Lock Her Up,” he seems to be job hunting again. It was unclear whether he was proving his devastating command of logic in an attempt to win a Supreme Court seat, or if he was more interested in being appointed Trump’s Truth and Consequences Czar, tasked with presiding over fake courtrooms to litigate the charges that Trump will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Like most of Christie’s plans lately, it probably backfired. Trump was likely more impressed by the legal acumen of the sea of people in flag attire and cowboy hats stirred into a frenzy of “GUILTY! GUILTY!” by Christie's words.

Gavels

Gavels are pretty intuitive tools. You grab the skinny end and you swing it in an arc against a flat surface, thus making a noise. Little children who have not yet gained the power of language, object permanence, or fine motor control know how to use gavels. And yet...

Anyone over the age of 5 would be embarrassed by this display, but Paul Ryan, the man pictured, is the Speaker of the House. This means that he's in the tiny percentage of Americans whose day-to-day lives involve operating a gavel. This kind of embarrassing incompetence is either completely inexplicable, or is itself an explanation for how the Republican Party wound up in this state.

And this wasn't the first time someone had trouble with a gavel at this convention.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Rhythm

Look, I’m not going to say that not having rhythm is a congenital problem of white people — that would be racist. There are lots of white people with rhythm, and there are plenty of people of color who don't have any. I'm not even gonna say that not having rhythm is a Republican problem, per se. But the kind of Republicans who would take time out of their summer to travel to Cleveland and nominate Donald Trump to lead their party — these kinds of Republicans ain’t got no soul. And it showed. They danced like they were afflicted, they clapped on the one and the three, they swung their hips like sex was a long-forgotten ritual. G.E. Smith and his band’s denuded covers of R&B classics got ’em exercised, but the rhythmless spirit of Dr. Yakub could not be exorcised.

The Dignity of the GOP

They did it. The Republican Party formally chose as its leader a man who doesn't even pretend to hold to its values, promoting as its chief public servant a man motivated by bilious narcissism, selecting an insatiable void as its standard bearer. The GOP didn't just die on Tuesday night — they dug their own grave and crawled into it. And they did it on national television.

Everyone dealt with the shame and helplessness in his own way. Paul Ryan chose to pretend everything was fine, giving a paean to traditional conservative values that didn't bother to defend Donald Trump or any of his positions. The Rattling Husk of the Man Who Was Once Chris Christie engaged in a prosecution of Hillary Clinton’s foreign policy failures, couched in a creepy public-tribunal gimmick. Unfortunately for them, the debauchment of their party is not complete. They have to put the decaying corpse of the party of Lincoln on their back and carry it all the way until November.

Tiffany Trump’s Weave