The GOP announced the list of speakers headlining this week’s Republican National Convention and, as expected, it features a lot of Trump's friends and very few prominent or promising party leaders, who have found other things to do this week, like mow the lawn or go fly fishing. A few of the prominent politicians who will be there have been relegated to "extra" status; Ben Carson is the only one of Trump's primary opponents listed as a headliner, a designation that was mostly reserved for Trumps.
Tim Tebow was originally on the list of speakers, perhaps in an effort to show that there is room for people who don't win all the time in Trump's America, too. But now the football player says that this was all just a "rumor."
The speakers who did agree to take part in the coronation of a man once seen as so ludicrous a candidate that everyone laughed at the idea of him ever winning will have a fun job: convincing skeptical voters and leaders that Trump getting the nomination is a good idea. As we try to picture what on earth they might say to accomplish that goal, here is an attempt to imagine the titles of some of the speeches these sidekicks and runners-up might give to try and win over some of the voters that Trump has already lost.
Here Is the Part Where I Tell an Anecdote About How Donald Trump Is the Best Husband and Father After We Watch a Video Montage of Him Golfing With His Children and Grandchildren
Senator Tom Cotton
Here Are 20 Reasons That the World Is a Terrifying Place and Only Donald Trump and a Strong Military Can Save Us
I Work With the Trumps, and Everything You've Heard About How They Treat Minorities and Women Is Wrong
Congressman Sean Duffy
See, Reality TV Stars Can Govern
What You Can Learn About a Man's Character After You Build a Giant Golden Tower With Him in the Desert
2 Fast 2 Corinthians: How a Man With 0 Percent Black Support in Some Swing States Will Win Over Religious African-American Voters
Sheriff David Clarke
Free Idea: The Other Way to Win Black Voters Is By Saying Black Lives Matter Will Team Up With ISIS
Congressman Michael McCaul
Watch As I Look Very Seriously Into the Camera and Talk About How Donald Trump Will Personally Save Every Single One of You From ISIS
Governor Mike Huckabee
Please Eat the Batch of Real America Word Grits I Cooked Up for You; It Is Only 8 Years Old
Mayor Rudy Giuliani
Senator Joni Ernst
I Miss the 2014 Election, When the Most Exciting Thing to Happen Could Be an Ad About Castrating Pigs
Governor Asa Hutchinson
You Know Who Else Was the Governor of Arkansas? A Long Tangent Explaining Why the Clintons Are the Worst
To the Victor Goes the Spoils System: The Funny Story of How a Guy Who Owns a Waterproofing Company in the Bronx Ended Up Speaking at the Republican National Convention
Senator Jeff Sessions
Wonderwall: Don't Listen to These Other People; This Election Is Still Mostly About Building a Classy Wall
Speaker Paul Ryan
So That Budget I've Been Salivating Over for Years? It Can't Pass Unless We Elect This Guy, and I Will Be So Depressed If All My Coy Ladder Climbing Was for Nothing
Congressman Kevin McCarthy
It All Works Out in the End, Or Why I Guess It Was OK That I Didn't Actually Win the House Speakership
Don't Forget, This Guy Runs a Winery! I Don't Know, Could Be Useful Information
Senator Shelley Moore Capito
A Sneak Peek at What the 2016 Election Would Look Like If Someone With a Slightly Different Tone Was Tasked With Talking About the Issues
Dr. Ben Carson
I Thought of Another Nice Thing to Say About Trump: As a Surgeon, I Can Confirm That a Trump Presidency Probably Won't Kill You
Everyone Chill Out: I've Acted in Soap Operas for Decades, and as an Expert in Drama Whose Character Has Kidnapped and Murdered People, I Can't Say That the 2016 Election Is That Crazy
Antonio Sabato Jr.
Full Transparency: A Former Underwear Model Explains How Donald Trump Will Be Great for Immigrants and Guns With Minimal Asides About How Hillary Clinton Should Be in Guantanamo
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 3
Make the Press Great Again: How Trump Will Make Sure That None of Us Get Made Fun of Ever Again
Donald Trump Is Going To Make Space Great Again, So If This All Goes Horribly Awry, We Have an Escape Plan
Senator Ted Cruz
He Did Say That My Dad Helped Kill JFK and Insult My Wife, But Here Is a Princess Bride Reference That Helps Explain Why I Have to Bury My Feelings and Trudge Onward If I Want to Run the World Someday
I Know Zoos. And Frankly, the Convention Is a Less Entertaining Animal House Than the Cleveland Zoo, Which Has a New Baby Snow Leopard. Also, Let's Kick Out All the Muslims.
If You Want to Make Money in the Oil and Gas Industry in the Next Four Years, Trump Is Definitely Your Best Bet
Congressman Chris Collins
Chairman Reince Priebus
The Art of Denial: A Guide to Getting Through the Next Few Months With Evasive Jokes and Mirthless Chuckles
Breathe. I'm Here. Everything Will Be Fine.
Jerry Falwell Jr.
Trump's Second-Favorite Book Might Be The Art of the Deal, But His Favorite Book of All Time Is The Bible.
Senator Mitch McConnell
Donald Trump Doesn't Understand Politics, But Please Just Vote for Him Because I Want to Keep My Job
Everything You Need to Know About the 2016 Election Can Be Summed Up By the Fact That Someone Who Had a Supporting Role in a New York Times Style Story Spoke at the Same Event as the Senate Majority Leader
Governor Chris Christie
I Endorsed Donald Trump and Campaigned for Him for Months and All I Got Was This Lousy Convention Speech
Donald J. Trump Jr.
I've Gotten Over That Time When My Dad Left and I Said, "You Don’t Love Us! You Don’t Even Love Yourself. You Just Love Your Money."
My Dad Is Great: Part IV
Governor Scott Walker
Blast From the Past: Nearly a Year Ago, I Dropped Out of the Presidential Race in an Effort to Stop Trump. Now Look at Me. But My Mom Always Said That If God Gives You Hot Ham, Make Hot Ham Water.
Correction: We originally had an imaginary speech in here by Chris Cox, but it seems it was for the wrong one, as there are apparently many prominent Republicans named Chris Cox. The RNC seems somewhat confused too, having cycled people with several different job descriptions through Chris Cox’s speaking slot.