So this has been a fucking terrible week, huh? Thankfully, in times of despair, celebrities manage to be even more ridiculous than usual. Whether it's Prince Jackson acting like he's never heard one of his father's damn songs before, Mischa Barton using Alton Sterling's death as an excuse for a photo shoot, Mike Huckabee attempting to throw shade, or Colton Haynes's new Ross for Less website, there are so many people on the deletion block this week. So let's get to it.
I need for the Lord up above, the spirit of Michael Jackson, and Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter to know that I am truly sorry for what I am about to do. I did some serious soul-searching before I decided to include Prince in these proceedings, but with love, I must dangle him out the window of life and let him fly on his own like Michael did with Prince's younger brother. Prince, you are not a child. You are 19 years old, so you're old enough to know what the hell tweeting #AllLivesMatter means. You are old enough to know that whenever someone talks about the importance of protecting black lives, some racist troll hops in their face to say #AllLivesMatter. You know what's wrong with saying #AllLivesMatter? It's kind of like how when there's one part of your body that's sick, your doctor doesn't say, "You know what, every part of your body is important. So stop complaining about the fact that your leg is about to fall off." You know why we focus on black lives? Because those are the ones being taken by police officers while unarmed. And the gall of telling black people to look in the damn mirror the day after two black men were gunned down by cops is sickening. The obtuseness of acting like you don't understand why #AllLivesMatter is problematic makes me wonder what kind of homeschooling they've had for you at the Jackson compound.
It's ironic that you also tweeted #ManintheMirror, because that song's lyrics are literally "I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways." When you look in a mirror, you see you, not the people chanting #BlackLivesMatter. You see yourself eating tapioca pudding and talking about how we shouldn't focus on only black lives when your own father released a song called “They Don't Care About Us.” Have you ever even listened to your dad's music, boo? The chorus that chants "All I wanna say is that they don't really care about us?" You know, the one with two music videos shot by Spike Lee? With one of them set in a prison? Have you ever listened to the equally angry “Scream,” where Michael and Janet literally shout at the system that they're "tired of injustice" and its "lies are disgusting"? Or the "Black or White" video where Michael literally morphs from a black panther and destroys a car graffitied with racist imagery? A black panther wasn't a subtle choice. It's the most radical moment of Michael's career. I know you can afford an Apple Music account, boo. Turn on Michael Jackson Radio and get a clue.
I'm not surprised you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. You certainly don't have Janet around to educate you, since she stopped caring about the Rhythm Nation the minute she hooked up with a billionaire and started scamming her fans into thinking she was going to fulfill concert dates while she was off casting spells to have a Rosemary's Baby. But instead of asking your equally misguided Twitter followers why #AllLivesMatter is wrong, how about you just go ahead and educate yourself? You're 19. You have the ability to google just like everybody else.
Should Prince Delete His Account? He shouldn't even be using the internet except to watch Dora the Explorer unless he's ready to start using it like an adult.
Where to even begin with this trifling-ass post? First of all, I guess we should thank Marissa Cooper for even bothering to interrupt her busy Instagram schedule to release a statement on Alton Sterling's death. But if you're going to make a statement about a dead black person, it might be helpful to … I don't know … show a picture of the dead black person? Shit, even a black background with some words on it worked for Beyoncé. But what you won't do is try to pass off your latest submission to J.Crew executives to be included in their fall yachting catalogue as a social justice statement. When did you even take this photo? I don't know which scenario is worse — thinking you already had this photo where you look contemplative and then added it to your post (which means you sure as hell weren't thinking of a dead black man, you were probably just checking your bank account and realizing those The O.C. residuals done dried up) or that you actually handed your assistant your phone and were like, "Take a photo of me in mourning." Of course, you had to cover up your bikini with a demure white shirt and half-sipped glass of rosé to show that you're just so distraught you can't even finish your drink.
I haven't even gotten to the actual statement yet, which is a whole other mess in itself. "This may have been going on forever in the United States." Google lynching, sis. "Somebody make change." Oh, not you, I guess. OK. "We need gun control and unity." Police officers will still carry guns even if we have gun control in America, so … what are you talking about? Also, #Stop #Reflect and #Act sound like words you just saw on the back of a Coke can while you were digging in the fridge. You know a simple #BlackLivesMatter would've sufficed. You didn't have to get all worked up and have your assistant transcribe your words in between sips of wine.
I could go on, but this photo really isn't that deep. Just like Marissa. Yeah, performative woke white people like the New York Daily News tried to act like it was the MOST OFFENSIVE PHOTO EVER TAKEN, as if they've never met racist white people on the internet before, but to black people, this photo was a much-needed laugh in the midst of a despondent week. Just like when I took Blake Lively to task for her dumb "Oakland booty" post, I'm not seriously upset at these superfluous women. Dead black men at the hands of racist police make me upset. This? It's just amusing to make fun of completely out-of-touch celebrities who try to engage with political issues or black culture and fall on their faces. They're a special brand of rich white people who have FEELINGS and just have no idea how to share them. It would be easy enough to actually educate themselves so they sound like they know what they're talking about (Olivia Wilde and Matt McGorry do it just fine!), but why put in the effort, am I right, ladies?
Should Mischa Delete Her Account? It's probably her only source of income at this point, so I'll begrudgingly say no.
MISCHA BARTON, PART II
In the twilight hours of Thursday night/Friday morning, I prepared to go to sleep, content that I'd written all I needed to. Why? Because I'm an idiot. “Call off the dogs, I'm here,” Mischa Barton husked like a 50-year-old chainsmoker, disturbing my serenity with her siren call of sadiddy. Instead of merely tweeting this and calling it a night, she had to keep going. I wanted to use that Tyra “we were all rooting for you” GIF, but it'd be a lie, because no one is rooting for your Amelia Bedelia ass at this point. Moments before this tweet, she also fired off the following: "I'm human I'm not perfect and I'm sorry if my Instagram post went out of context I didn't mean to offend anyone and be ridiculed." She deleted the tweet, then amended it to exclude "and be ridiculed."
SHOULD MARISSA COOPER DELETE HER ACCOUNT?
Oh, great, more #AllLivesMatter claptrap. This time from that peacock who may or may not still be on The View, but who can bother to actually find out? If only we could have the unity of every continent in Africa! I guess she's a super American if her family's been "living in Virginia for 400 years," which is longer than America has existed, so way to go, Raven!
This is a special brand of insanity, because it's managing to deny your blackness without actually having to deny it. Saying "We're all American!" is great, but she didn't tweet that at Donald Trump when he threatened to kick out Muslims. This girl is tiresome. I thought we all left her ass in 2015, but she is STILL HERE.
Should Raven Delete Her Account? My sentiments are the same as they were in 2015:
If Kim Kardashian can go to the Sam Smith School of Discovering Racism and pen a Black Lives Matter piece for her website, then certainly Kylie Jenner's au pair could have figured out a less idiotic way to approach this week's tragedies. Worse than the chorus of misguided white people who still think saying that black lives matter means that no other lives do are the black people who have the same train of thought. But what do we really expect from Tyga? Isn't tweeting that ALL lives matter what we should expect from someone who shot their latest wannabe Drake video in Kingston, Jamaica, and called it "the ghetto" while also hiring some white girl who wouldn't look out of place in Taylor Swift's squad to appear alongside him? The man shot a video in Jamaica and put a white girl in Bantu Knots. This is why Tyga can't win. The absolute disrespect for black women by using a white woman as a stand-in for black culture, the disrespect in referring to said culture as "like the ghetto back home, just more undeveloped" — it all shows an attempt to distance oneself from blackness. He even tossed Blac Chyna to the curb for a white girl in cornrows, but Chyna got her revenge by being set to marry into the Kardashian clan and earning far more respect than Tyga ever did. Tyga had to have a spinoff reality show in which Scott Disick sometimes showed up. Chyna's a main story line on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. So keep running around claiming that #AllLivesMatter. Because black lives are prospering better than Tyga ever will.
Should Tyga Delete His Account? Kim and Kanye don't even follow Tyga on Twitter, so why is he here ...?
Girl, what is this? Is this an attempt at … shade? This is so damn convoluted, but I'm gonna try and parse it. Mike Huckabee is clearly feeling some type of way because the FBI decided not to indict Hillary Clinton. And hey, if Hillary's team can be funny on Twitter, then why can't Huckabee's? The thing is, if you actually want to be a politician who can make "jokes" online, you should probably hire an intern who knows how to be funny. No one actually thinks Hillary knows what "delete your account" or any of the other various pop-culture references she makes means. But it's funny as hell that a presidential candidate is out here going to war with Donald Trump on social media.
Huckabee is basically irrelevant at this point, but if he'd managed to fire off a good shot, I'd give him some reluctant dap. Unfortunately, his entire tweet is a mess. First off, "Hillary may not be POTUS" is a weird way to say "Hillary might not be elected president." If you're gonna shade someone with a tweet, you need to fit the 140-character limit and you don't have time for extraneous information like this. We all know Hillary is running for president, so why include it in the tweet? The bulk of the joke is that Hillary won't be president, she'll instead be in the Winter Olympics because "no one has successfully skated on more thin ice than her." But this is also too many damn words. Jokes should be quick. Shade should be brief and to the point. See how much easier this is: "Is Hillary Clinton training for the Winter Olympics? She's always skating on thin ice." It's direct, it's to the point. We'll even ignore the fact that it's weird for someone who hates gays so much to be obsessed with the Winter Olympics, but … that's none of my business.
Should Huckabee Delete His Account? His Twitter bio says "Bass Guitarist," and who am I to stop someone from trying to promote their YouTube covers of Troye Sivan songs on social media?
Colton Haynes just graced Delete Your Account not three weeks ago, and here he is again. But this time, it's not because he got into a fight with another gay actor. No, it's because we need to have a talk about his new website. I'm not sure why coltonhaynes.com exists, other than that hair dyes must cost a lot of money these days. At first I thought it was going to be some gay lifestyle blog akin to Blake Lively's Preserve. Which, you know what? I'd be down for. I would have gotten a kick out of Colton penning essays about the white gay version of getting married in the antebellum south, apothecary tables, and juice cleanses. He could even have guest essays from his fellow celebrity friends.
But this is not the resurrection of Preserve. This is a cafepress.com site. We are really out here selling "fan merchandise" that has the words "anxious" and "daddy" written on crop tops? What kind of nerve?! You could make that shirt for $10! How is this even good promo? No one's going to see this shirt and be like, "Oh damn, that's Colton Haynes merch? I need to get some!" Isn't fan merchandise supposed to entice people to purchase it and become a fan of you? Beyoncé has pretty on-point fan merchandise. Look at this hat referencing "Sorry" from Lemonade. The lettering is on point, the price point is cheap, and it's unmistakably a Beyoncé reference:
In comparison, this is what Colton is selling in his shop:
I … have no words. What is this font? Why is the letter "D" directly over the hat's seam? Is this even a snapback?! I won't even get into the question of why an actor needs a fan website, because you know what, make your coins. But fan merchandise should be high-end. The only even remotely interesting shirts here are the ones with Colton's Instagram photos on them, and if you're a fan, I can see why you'd purchase that. But the hats? The other shirts? Do you think Miranda Priestly would smile at this? Or would she recoil and purse her lips? You already know the answer. We all do.
Should Colton Delete His Account?