Raise Your Hand If You Want To Be Donald Trump's VP Pick

Anybody? Anybody? Oh look, there’s one!

We've gone through the Democratic list of possible vice-presidential picks, all of whom have become adept at pretending they don't want the attention even though they probably have a Google alert set up for VP buzz. When it comes to Donald Trump's running mate, however, it's easy to believe people when they say they have no interest whatsoever in the job, since they're basically being asked, "Would you like to throw all the years you've spent building your political career into the toilet and watch them swirl around and clog up the entire system, causing everyone else in your party problems and eventually disappearing forever into some random septic system?"

But! There are still people who are optimistic about Donald Trump and his message, one of whom might end up at his side come the conventions next month. In fact, Trump claims there are A LOT of them. Sure, whatever you say!

Before we get to the names, let's take a minute and try to understand Trump's mind.

How do you predict a person whose guiding political principle is refusing to act like a familiar presidential candidate?

Good point. Even so, Trump has laid out a few parameters for what he's looking for in a running mate that narrows the VP list down substantially — although there is absolutely no reason to believe he won't change his mind. But this is all we've got.

1. He's looking for a mind at work

As Trump has absolutely no political experience whatsoever — although, as he has said countless times, he did build that ice rink — it would be prudent to pick someone who knows that government sometimes entails skills beyond making deals. "I do want somebody that's political, because I want to get lots of great legislation we all want passed," he said back in February. "We're going to probably choose somebody that's somewhat political."

2. No haters allowed

See above. The people who say they don't want to be Trump's VP aren't even being considered. #EverTrump

3. Great brands

Former Trump staffer Corey Lewandowski said that all candidates being considered are "household names." Do you think the Brawny Man is Republican?

4. A white guy would probably be good

Campaign Chairman and Chief Strategist Paul Manafort told the Huffington Post that picking a woman or minority "would be viewed as pandering, I think.”

So who does that leave?

Newt Gingrich

Who?

Former speaker of the House and presidential candidate; ardent fan of the words "frankly" and "fundamentally."

Fun fact

He's a big fan of space exploration. If he doesn't become vice-president, maybe Trump can appoint him Ambassador to the Moon.

Why?

Since the 2016 election seems determined to remain mired in the ’90s, why not pick the House Speaker who made the Clinton administration miserable? His Twitter game is also on point, although his account often functions as a repository of his zoo reviews.

Why not?

Newt loves being on TV almost as much as Trump, so the nominee might not like the competition. Plus, having two people who are completely predestined to say outrageous things may be too much for America to handle. Also, as one GOP consultant put it, "It'd be a ticket with six former wives, kind of like a Henry VIII thing. They certainly understand women."

What does he say about all this?

Gingrich claims he hasn't been contacted by the campaign. However, he also says that he assumes Trump is "probably going to start thinking about it about two days before Cleveland."

Scott Brown

Who?

Former senator of Massachusetts; part-time electoral tourist.

Fun fact

He is probably the only person in any way involved with the 2016 election who has also posed nude for Cosmo.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Why?

Trump likes him. Back in January, Trump pointed at Brown at an event and said, “You know what? He’s central casting. Look at that guy! He’s central casting! A great guy and a beautiful wife and a great family. So important!” Given that Trump's campaign seems to be very frugal, Brown could also donate his trusty truck for travel.

Why not?

He was only in the Senate for a few years so doesn't add much governing gravitas to the ticket. He also doesn't pass Trump's Twitter wit test, and he wouldn't behave well if former opponent Senator Elizabeth Warren is campaigning for the Democrats 24/7. Just this week he said that she should take a DNA test to prove she has Native American ancestry.

What does he say about all this?

“I’m not looking for anything. That’s what makes me a lot different than the others."

Jeff Sessions

Who?

The junior senator from Alabama.

Fun fact

His full name is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.

Why?

Dude loves The Donald. He was the first senator to endorse the candidate, way back in February, and he especially agrees with Trump on immigration — the issue that first pushed Trump to prominence in the race. He's super conservative, and one of his staffers is already embedded in the campaign. The prediction markets think he has the best shot at being picked.

Mark Wallheiser/Getty Images

Why not?

He's basically the same age as Trump — not a boon in a race teeming with old people.

What does he say about all this?

"Don't bet any money on me."

Bob Corker

Who?

The junior senator from Tennessee.

Fun fact

He donates his Senate salary to the Community Foundation of Greater Chattanooga, as he is already one of the top 10 richest senators.

Why?

He's got a reputation as a D.C. dealmaker, which might be an alluring quality for someone hoping to fix all of America's ills with deals.

TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images

Why not?

Bob Corker is not a household name. Also, in a political climate where compromise is often a dirty word, dealmaking can also be used against the dealmaker. For example, the senator opposed the Iran deal and worked to pass bipartisan legislation that would require that any nuclear agreement get a look from Congress before going into effect. The legislation didn’t make it easier to doom the deal, however. The thing about deals is that Trump and his supporters only like them when they always lead to winning.

What does he say about all this?

"If I was running for a position like either [secretary of state or vice president], I certainly wouldn't be offering the constructive criticism I've offered, would I?"

Chris Christie

Who?

Governor of New Jersey.

Fun fact

He is probably one of the top five Bruce Springsteen fans in the country.

Why?

He was one of the first prominent Republicans to side with Trump, has executive experience, and, after campaigning with Trump for months, is familiar with the weirdness of the candidate's campaign operation. His public speaking style is also a close relative of Trump's.

Why not?

Only 26 percent of people in New Jersey like him, which does not say great things about his ability to win over voters over the long haul. He is amazingly bad at playing second fiddle — which is the chief job requirement here. Also, it would just be weird if the Republican ticket had two Northeastern types, despite Trump's vow to win all the states.

What does he say about all this?

"I have a hard time believing anyone would ask me to be vice-president."

Jan Brewer

Who?

Former governor of Arizona.

Fun fact

She wrote the very lengthily titled book Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America's Border — which conveniently sums up everything you need to know about her political views in under 140 characters.

Why?

As you might have noticed, Trump doesn't do very well with female voters — not that it's at all clear that having a woman on the ticket would help much. She's also someone who serves as a big signpost for immigration's starring role in the Trump campaign. Additionally, she's not an elected official anymore, and thus wouldn't be opening up any seats that Republicans would have to scurry to fill.

Why not?

She's also not a known quantity. I wonder why so few prominent Republicans want to be on this ticket?

What does she say about all this?

"I would be willing to serve in any capacity that I could be of help with Donald on."

Ben Carson

Who?

Famous neurosurgeon and former presidential candidate.

Fun fact

Cuba Gooding Jr. played him in a movie.

Why?

Someone who is relatively well-known! Plus, conservatives like him.

Why not?

He has proven himself to be especially untalented at saying nice things about Trump. Here is an assortment:

— “There’s two Donald Trumps. There’s the Donald Trump that you see on television and who gets out in front of big audiences, and there’s the Donald Trump behind the scenes. They’re not the same person. One’s very much an entertainer, and one is actually a thinking individual.”

— “He has some major defects, there’s no question about it — just like the rest of us."

— "Even if Donald Trump turns out not to be such a great president, which I don't think is the case, I think he's going to surround himself with really good people, but even if he didn't, we're only looking at four years as opposed to multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American Dream forever."

On Trump's Twitter use: "He knows that it’s a problem. And the first part of solving the problem is recognizing that it exists.”

What does he say about all this?

“I’m not interested in doing that for a number of reasons. I don’t want to be a distraction.”

Mary Fallin

Who?

Current governor of Oklahoma.

Fun fact

She is one of only six female governors in the entire country.

Why?

She's been in Oklahoma politics for decades and could perhaps help ease some of the inevitable attacks featuring Trump's attitudes toward women. She and a few other Republican governors met with Trump in New York earlier this month.

Why not?

No one knows who Mary Fallin is.

What does she say about all this?

"My first and foremost goal right now is to finish our legislative session, but if I were to receive a call that said: ‘I need you to help make America great again,’ I'd be happy to take that call."

Other possibilities who excel at disinterest

Iowa Senator Joni Ernst

"I don't think an offer is going to be forthcoming, so I really haven't considered that option, to be honest."

Ohio Senator Rob Portman

"No, I'm fine."

Indiana Governor Mike Pence

“I have no interest in that."

Ohio Governor John Kasich

"Zero chance."

Update: Language in this post has been changed to clarify Senator Corker’s position on the Iran deal.