Delete Your Account is a weekly column that takes the hot air out of celebrities and their social-media shenanigans. Every week, I will decide whether each perpetrator should delete their accounts and never grace the internet again. This week, Lindsay Lohan is the only one making sense in the wake of Britain's vote to leave the European Union, the ghosts of Noah Galvin and Colton Haynes take over two more squabbling white gays, and Chrissy Teigen is out here telling lies and fallacies.
Though she has since deleted the tweets, expat Lindsay Lohan went IN while Great Britain was voting on whether to leave the European Union. There were a lot of voter regrets for a decision that was largely fueled by confusion and xenophobia, but if they had just listened to Lindsay … they might have saved themselves?
Look, I've been there with Lindsay since the beginning. When she was the sweet, cherub-faced girl in The Parent Trap. When she was being a boss bitch in Mean Girls. When she was having meltdowns on and off set and going in and out of rehab and getting read for filth by Oprah. When her third album had “leaked songs” but was ultimately NEVER PRODUCED. I've always been a Lindsay fan. But did I expect her to have not only valid but informed opinions on the Brexit? NOT AT ALL. And did I expect her to continue to engage people on Twitter so she could be better informed? You better go ahead, girl!
Unfortunately, she deleted all the tweets, but a few have been saved for future generations to know that during a brief moment in 2016, Lindsay was lucid and actively informed about world politics. Hopefully this has inspired someone to take a chance on her. Not for another film — I'd never let her on a movie set again until my last dying breath — but with the way American and now British politics seem to be going to shit, maybe she ought to be running for office. Paris Hilton and ex-boyfriend Brandon Davis once called Lindsay a "fire crotch." Well, then, #FeelTheBurn, baby, and let's Make America Bossy Again.
Should Lindsay Delete Her Account? Never! If anything, she needs to join Hillary Clinton's team of gays she has tweeting for her and borrowing from my column.
BILLY EICHNER VS. ROSS MATHEWS
I haven't seen this much fucking promo for Capital One since this piece. I am forever amused when world war threatens to break out among white gay men on social media. Most recently it was Noah Galvin and Colton Haynes arguing over which season of American Horror Story is better; this week Billy Eichner has had it with Capital One and Ross Mathews. If you don't know who Billy Eichner is, he's probably the person who yelled at you for no reason while you were trying to get tickets for Hamilton in Times Square. The part-time Difficult People actor and full-time YouTube game show host has made a career out of harassing random people on the street in the name of entertainment. While it's often funny when it involves celebrities, sometimes you can see the ire in the faces of people who are like, "Why is this man yelling at me?" But we're not here to talk about the content of Billy on the Street. We're here to talk about this petty-ass fight Billy started for no damn reason.
I mean, it's the "FUCK YOU" that really gives it that joie de vivre, but also probably what made Ross Mathews go "Who the hell does she think she's talking to?" I don't even see it for Ross and subpar puns on RuPaul's Drag Race, but Billy got me out here defending him so now I'm extra pissed. Does Billy not know he's famous? Doesn't he have a lawyer? If Capital One has really ripped you off, how about you just … have your team send them a cease-and-desist? Sue them? Tweeting out how much they ripped you off accomplishes nothing but getting you a pat on the back from your fans and some media attention. Which seems just as thirsty as the celebrities Billy routinely mocks on Difficult People, but when people are fucking with your money, it's easy to have blinders on. Except … they didn't fuck with his money at all?
So Capital One offered Billy coins and he passed. They reached out to another gay who's done man-on-the-street interviews before, and he said yes. This really shouldn't be that big of a deal, but then again, Billy Eichner stans would have you believe that anytime a person is yelled at on the pavement outside a Dean & DeLuca he should be cut a check. Even if that's true, the outwardly aggressive "FUCK YOU" and the passive-aggressive "HAPPY PRIDE," particularly when Pride is about a lot more than your petty gay squabbles about credit card commercials, leaves a really sour taste in my mouth.
Then there's the derisive “Ross the Intern” slam, as if Billy himself doesn't have an IMDb credit from What Happens in Vegas. This entire drama could've been solved if white gay people had more black friends. Because a simple shady tweet would have sufficed instead of starting a fight yourself and then saying, "I'm too good to get into a fight" and backing out of it when your opponent won't take the bait and drop to your level.
Should Billy Delete His Account? No, but She Stoops to Conquer is a play by Oliver Goldsmith, not a mantra of how one should live their lives. Try not to punch down at Fashion Police freelancers.
Chrissy, you know I love you, but unless John is talking about the leftover pieces of meat still stuck to bones you have after a meal at CHURCH'S CHICKEN, I'm gonna need some RECEIPTS.
Should Chrissy Delete Her Account? Nah, but if you want to have Kim send me some of her soul food to judge for myself, we could get this squared away real quick.
This is SO messy. A parody account for publishing firm Alfred A. Knopf claimed that Cormac McCarthy died of a stroke on Tuesday morning and Twitter went into meltdown mode. Problematic tweeter and part-time author Joyce Carol Oates shared her own condolences (later deleted) — "A great loss. Very sad. Profound writer & American (dark & intransigent) visionary" — as did several other Twitter users. This is par for the course. When initial reports of Prince's passing were released, most people began sharing memories and expressing disbelief while waiting for an official word from his team.
An official word from a deceased celebrity's team is probably a prereq for posting your sad celebrity death tweet. But that didn't stop USA Today! Why call up Cormac's publicist when you can just tweet out that he's dead so you can be the first to do it? The Daily Mail also published an article stating that Cormac is dead, but, as we've established, Britain is in the midst of a garbage fire right now, so we can hardly blame the Daily Mail for not doing its journalistic due diligence.
USA Today, however, gets no such pass. The absolute thirst of trying to be the first to publish a tweet about Cormac's (OF ALL PEOPLE'S) death is laughable. I love Cormac as much as anyone who has read his work, but is his celebrity so all-encompassing that you need to abandon all common sense to be the first person to announce his death? Are you really that hard up for tweet impressions?
After all that, they finally spoke to his publicist. Look how easy that was. Look how easy it is to do your job!
Should USA Today Delete Its Account? I know print is obsolete, but some people should really just stick to it and leave the social media to the people who understand this internet thing.