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Memo To The GOP: You Did This To Yourself

This was your choice, guys. And you chose wrong.

Guys.

Out of 17 candidates for the Republican nomination, you went with the one who is the least attached to Republican principles and the most similar to a processed cheese product. "This is how we will get our voices heard and help improve people’s lives," you more or less said, "by attaching ourselves like remora fish to the dumbest fucking shark in the entire goddamn electoral ocean." And now you’re avoiding reporters and family members and, who knows, random passers-by because your chosen candidate is "a flip-flopping con man.”

But here’s the thing, guys: Donald Trump was always going to do this. Trump can’t pivot, or adjust, or do anything but throw himself headlong into that big, beautiful wall he’s not going to build.

One year ago today, Donald Trump announced his campaign with the style and panache of a penguin falling off a bridge. Now, he’s accusing U.S. soldiers of stealing money in Iraq, he's lying about immigration and terrorism, he's straight-up accusing Obama of being in league with ISIS. And he's demanding that GOP leaders just shut up and take it.

This will never get better, y'all. Trump will never get better.

By endorsing (or supporting but not endorsing, whatever that means) Donald Trump — a man who is undoubtedly the kind of person who orders for everyone at the table without asking, a man who wants to "open up" American libel lawsyou asked for this. By stoking the fires of populist maniacs, you asked for this. And now you, and the Republican National Committee, too, have to be totally okay with it. All of it.

This is all. your. fault.

Not the media’s, not Obama’s, yours. You went with Trump because you thought it was fun to hear the stuff you would say if you weren’t at least somewhat sane or responsible get said out loud — but it turns out, voting for your party’s id isn’t a good thing. But now there’s nothing you can do about it! You can’t dump Trump at the convention and nominate, like, Ted Cruz. How would that go, exactly? Do you have a plan? Do you have, like, a first aid kit?

Donald Trump basically drove the Grand Ol’ Party to a haunted house filled with the ghosts of deceased murderers in a stretch Hummer, and y'all were like, Cool, these spectral assholes can probably help us beat Hillary in the general and hold on to Congress. And then he locked all the doors and summoned evil spirits and you were like, Okay, yeah, this is weird, but have you seen Clinton’s unfavorables?

So now you’re being haunted by evil spirits from the Great Beyond and there’s absolutely nothing you can do, because you followed Trump into this haunted house, over the objections of thousands of reasonable people who thought that maybe, just maybe, a fake billionaire best known for a reality TV show wasn’t the best choice for the Republican nomination.

And you have to stay. Because you're the ones who decided that a crazed (but shelf-stable!) tub of racist off-brand nacho sauce could fly in a presidential election.

Good luck with all that!