Last week on The Bachelorette, we were promised a double dose of Chad, cold-cut aficionado and villain extraordinaire, and oh, did this week’s two-night, four-hour special deliver. Though alas: These will be our last hours with Chad — aside from the preview snippet of next week’s attempt to return to the mansion after his elimination which, if you’re familiar with this show’s tricks, you know will inevitably last all of 45 seconds before the season’s post-Chad descent into crushing mundanity. Last week, I suspected “the Chad-Bear” (his words!) might be the savviest villain in the show’s history. But the fine balance of Bachelorette villainy rests on the ability to alienate the other men in the house without JoJo seeing it happen. This week, our dear Icarus flew too close to the sun, but not without one last gift: the best 30 seconds of dialogue this franchise has ever seen.
Let’s get the miscellany out of the way so we can send our boy out with appropriate rigor. JoJo takes medical sales rep Chase on the ol’ “awkward sexy yoga date,” which the producers already did last year on Bachelor in Paradise, but fuck it. They practice a pose called the “Angergasm,” a totally real yoga thing that people definitely do, which looks like what one might do in between falling and pressing one’s Life Alert button, except with sex noises. Afterward, the two enjoy some primo singer-songwritin’ by an artist named Josh Kelley because, as I warned you on week one, the only requirement to be a musical guest on this show is two first names. (Amazingly, when I googled, the first results were for actor Josh Kelly, who just happens to play a cameraman on UnREAL, Lifetime’s scripted Bachelor spoof. Stay woke, guys.) War veteran/country musician/guy-who-takes-photos-like-this Luke reveals that he was an Ivy League football player, clinches his role as the next Bachelor, and slow-dances on a platform with JoJo to a country duo called Dan + Shay because see above. JoJo takes James Taylor on a nice-guy date to swing dance among some mortifying flash mob, only furthering my creeping suspicion that a revival of the swing revival is nigh. Erectile-dysfunction specialist Evan gets a nosebleed on two consecutive group dates and pretends like it’s not happening.
Oh yeah — one of those group dates is a sex improv show? Here is the part of the season where I stress: Are you following Reality Steve? You should really be following Reality Steve — the ultimate Bachelor insider blogger, whose spoilers have become the stuff of legend — if only for perspective on what the shit actually happened here. What ABC showed us was some fairly tame stand-up: A few guys share PG sex blunders, and Daniel casually reveals that he likes to cut off pieces of unsuspecting women’s hair while they’re fucking, which is NBD and no reason to fear that a silky ombré hair doll is tucked under Daniel’s pillow as we speak. But yo. Yo. There is so much more, Bachelor Nation, and it involves anal beads, the mansion’s nightly masturbatory habits, and a chilling tale of a men’s vibrating razor stuck inside ... OK, remember that two-second clip of sensitive radio DJ Wells on stage doing, like ... look, you’re just going to have to read that one for yourself.
Back to our intrepid antihero, who’s all pissed after E.D. Evan uses his stage time to call Chad a meathead. Chad flips out, “accidentally” rips Evan’s shirt, tries to kiss JoJo onstage, and gets the cheek. Evan seems to have deduced that he will only get screen time by standing up to Chad, who has lost all fucks to give after seeing Evan receive a group-date rose. A security guard is hired exclusively for the Chad-Bear. Evan runs to Chris Harrison to tattle on Chad’s increasingly believable threats of hunting down his enemies in their hometowns after the show; Chris is late for a cryotherapeutic blood orgy with Jon Hamm and Mike Fleiss but pretends to care and tells Chad to make amends. “I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off, arms off, and there’s gonna be torsos, and I’m gonna throw them in the pool,” Chad tells the camera. Evan demands reimbursement for the shirt Chad ripped, the finest of pre-shrunk tri-blend burgundy V-necks, and another Bachelor Nation mystery is brought to light. If Evan is truly upset about the shirt, could this mean that instead of being provided with a wardrobe of endless henleys in calm yet spunky heathered hues, these guys actually just ... dress like this in real life?!
By now, it is clear that Chad’s minutes here are slipping through his fingers. Even Daniel, his villain apprentice, has to step in. They meet in their usual corner, but this time, Chad has a new snack of choice: A large, raw sweet potato, which he methodically devours, bite by bite, while Daniel skittishly confronts him. And lo: the best thirty seconds of dialogue this show has ever witnessed, which I present to you in full.
Daniel: If I talk to you, I get dragged down your negativity route. Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler …
Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.
Daniel: Let’s just say, you know?
Chad: Let’s not just say.
Daniel: Let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that. If I hang out with you, it’s gonna make me look bad. So let’s be not so much like Hitler but more like Mussolini. You know? Or Bush, right? Like, take it down a notch.
Not so much like Hitler, but more like Mussolini. Let us remember this lesson in these dark, Chad-less months to come (before his inevitable return to Bachelor in Paradise this August, mark my words), as the rest of JoJo’s suitors start to look more and more like this tweet: