If only I could address every single person who has taken to the Internet to defend Johnny Depp by cautioning, "We shouldn't speak before we have all the facts," but who still manages to trash Amber Heard in the process ... but then this would turn into more of a longform piece. My colleague Rachel Handler has discussed most of the bullshit Amber has had thrown her way this week, so I'm just gonna focus on The Avengers' Paul Bettany (who once again proves that we can't trust men in the Marvel Cinematic Universe), and also some woman who used to be on The Walking Dead, I guess. Director Terry Gilliam had some thoughts, but he hasn't made a good movie since Twelve Monkeys, so ashes to ashes, dust to wannabe side chicks. Meanwhile, Jack Dorsey keeps pretending Twitter cares about black people, Greta Van Susteren might be a pretend reporter, and J.Lo does my job for me.
Did I miss the point at which Paul Bettany and Johnny Depp were fucking? I know they made three shitty movies together (Transcendence, The Tourist, and Mortdecai), but can someone direct me to the Page Six story about how they were in a romantic relationship? Because last time I checked, men who are abusers don't tend to abuse their friends. If Johnny actually did hit Amber, why in the world would it have ever manifested in front of Paul? You shot three movies together, bro, you didn't live in his house. Just because someone hits their wife, are they also supposed to knock their best friend around? Surely you realize that the real world isn't some Lifetime movie or Melrose Place where abusers routinely get angry in public and shows signs of the fact that they're abusers?
Paul claims to have MORE insight into Johnny and Amber's relationship than "piranhas on the Internet," but unless they were Eiffel Towering him on the regular, somehow I doubt it. What's even more disappointing is your claim that "domestic violence is a serious allegation." It's also a serious fucking thing to endure. No one on Twitter is putting Johnny Depp on trial. We literally moved on to talking about Steph Curry by the weekend. And because Johnny is rich, it doesn't matter what Twitter says about him. Donald Trump is evidence of this more than anything. Rich white men will always be fine.
You'll be fine, too, Paul, since you're making some Marvel money. Even if I now wish that they'd let Vision, Hawkeye, and Falcon die in a Thanos-induced fire. What is it about the MCU that draws out all the assholes? From jumping into a conversation on domestic violence no one asked you to be part of, to calling Black Widow a slut, to being a 9/11 truther, to whatever the hell Anthony Mackie says every time he's interviewed … we need to scrap the men in these movies and just give ourselves an all-female Avengers.
Should Paul Delete His Account? Don't you have 1,500 Marvel movies to film in the next three years? Go away.
Should Laurie Delete Her Account?
GRETA VAN SUSTEREN
The Murphy Brown of Fox News isn't very good at her job, is she? In between being a racist-ass heffa and dressing like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho, Greta loves science! She loves science so much she became a Scientologist because, you know, it has the word SCIENCE! She loves science so much that she's just been dying for photos of Pluto's surface!
So when NASA took photos of a bunch of rocks on Pluto in 2015, she expected them immediately. But sorry, sis, it takes 16 months for NASA to process that kind of data. Pluto is far! That's kind of something a journalist should know, but I digress. If you want to get the photos quicker, you can always just go to Pluto. What's one less racist at Fox News?
Should Greta Delete Her Account? Up, up, and away!
Tila Tequila is a racist piece of trash. Normally, I wouldn't even include her sub-Azealia Banks ass in Delete Your Account, except for the fact that she tried to play her racist game with Jennifer Lopez and got her account DELETED.
It's since been restored, but for a good 24 hours her account was nowhere to be found. I'm not sure if J.Lo (who's Puerto Rican, btw, not Mexican) stepped in and had someone delete Tila's account, or if Twitter decided to finally care about racism because it was directed at a powerful celebrity (like they did for Zayn), but sometimes it's nice when someone else does your work for you.
Should Tila Delete Her Account? Well, somehow her account is back, even though she's busy throwing around the n-word in her tweets now, so in the words of Mya:
The CEO of Twitter loves sporting this #StayWoke shirt of his, doesn't he? Never mind that Twitter barely has any POC employees. Never mind that it's harder to get blocked for calling me a "nigger" on Twitter than it is to get Hamilton tickets. I'm so tired of white people and this performative wokeness. Like, so performative with the wokeness that you love sifting through t-shirts at the Gap just to experience picking cotton. You know what's woke? Hiring some goddamn black people at Twitter instead of trotting out DeRay every few months to pretend you give a damn about the issues of the community that drives so much of Twitter's traffic.
Should Jack Delete His Account? I mean, I'm not trying to have my account deleted, but … do better, Jack.