This week, for the first time in Delete Your Account history, there's a hashtag on the chopping block. Most of the time, hashtags are fleeting and if you ignore them, they'll be gone in less than a day. But when you get GLAAD responding to a hashtag, like they did with #CaptainAmericaNeedsABoyfriend, then someone has to step in and stop the madness. Also this week: Madonna thinks reverse racism exists, Mario Lopez takes selfies with a Hydra agent, Laverne Cox can't spell, and Panic! at the Disco is breaking hearts.
Sometimes, just sometimes, y'all do the most on Twitter. I could get into the insane reaction surrounding Captain America suddenly being a Hydra agent from fans and Marvel brass acting like they're reinventing the wheel here and not just writing a lame attention-grabbing stunt now that there's no more Civil War content to push, but I'm too busy reading Black Panther and Ms. Marvel to care about whatever Steve Rogers is up to. But what I will discuss is this annoying-as-hell #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend campaign.
I'm all for Disney furthering their LGBT representation. Elsa in Frozen and Oscar Isaac's Poe Dameron in Force Awakens are examples of characters that could very well be made gay, since their romantic interests haven't been expressed one way or another. But y'all, Captain America is straight. And this entire campaign reeks of people being into the platonic relationship between Cap and Bucky Barnes and wanting to see them make out because it titillates them. I'm gay, so I've made plenty of jokes about Cap and Bucky, but at the end of the day, that's all they are. Jokes. I don't need Cap to be gay. Because I don't consider LGBT representation making random straight characters gay based on the whims of fans who only care about Captain America being gay because they find Chris Evans hot. None of these people were clamoring for Cap to be gay during his comic-book run. It's only when Evans and Sebastian Stan lit up their fantasies like the roster of Cocky Boys that they had one inkling of Captain America being a homo.
The majority of the people using the #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend hashtag are straight women with a hard-on for male-on-male action. I've yet to see many gay men sending Disney lusty messages of desperation, because when you're actually gay and want gay representation in comic books and media, you look further than turning a straight character gay. There are PLENTY OF FUCKING GAY COMIC-BOOK CHARACTERS. Steve Orlando just finished an amazing run on DC's Midnighter, starring an unapologetically gay superhero who dated men of all races, used Grindr, and managed to be a violent nut job all at the same time. DC also has Renee Montoya and goddamn Batwoman as lesbian characters. Marvel Comics has Wiccan and Hulkling, Northstar, and Moondragon, to name only a few. If you want LGBT representation in comic-book films and television, how about you implore Disney and Warner Bros. to use existing gay characters? Why shouldn't gay comic-book fans get to see their heroes on the screen, too, just like we've seen Spider-Man, Iron Man, and Batman? Or do those characters get ignored just for the fantasy of Captain America sucking off his best friend?
Should Everyone Using #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend Delete Their Accounts? Yes. Hail Hydra.
LOL. I love you, but shut up, Madonna. "Anyone who wants to do a tribute to Prince is welcome to. Whatever your age Gender or skin color." I don't know how the white gay Madonna stans of the Internet decided this was a race war, but literally no one cares that Madonna is white. We cared about the fact that she hasn't been able to carry a tune in a ballad since Babyface worked magic on "Take a Bow." If you really loved Prince, you would've let someone else sing a tribute to him. Or if you were really that pressed about it, you could have sung any of his up-tempo pop songs. You didn't have to sing "Purple Rain." You really didn't. If you'd killed "Let's Go Crazy" with some choreography, it would've slayed. But instead, you slayed our ears.
Also, ma, you knew Prince. Don't act like he wouldn't have side-eyed you from the audience. If you really knew Prince as well as you say you did, you know he'd have dragged your performance too.
Should Madonna Delete Her Account? When she's not busy being a martyr, she's calling her son the n-word on Instagram, so maybe Madonna should leave social media alone.
Girl, how did you manage to spell Kesha's name right the first time and then … Imma let this one go, but let's work on the spell-check, ma.
Should Laverne Delete Her Account? Nah.
Shout-out to Alex Alvarez of Mitú for bringing this particular gem to my attention. Of all the thirsty-ass photos to take, you had to do a selfie with Donald Trump? Not just a selfie, but a wack video where you pretend he's "bilingual"? Did he check your papers before your interview to make sure he wasn't having a conversation with an "illegal"? Did he make a joke about you being a drug dealer? Or a rapist? Because you know he's made those comments about Mexicans and Latinos in the past, so maybe your social-media antics were a little in poor taste?
I know that you'll somehow manage to take a selfie at your own funeral since your Dust Bowl level of drought knows no bounds, but at what point did you think it'd be a fun little segment to trade some Spanish with the man who told Don Lemon, "Well, if you look at the statistics of people coming, you look at the statistics on rape, on crime, on everything coming in illegally into this country, it’s mind-boggling! Somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?"
Your thirst is like a goddamn cartoon bear. You're Yogi Bear stealing picnic baskets. You're Winnie shoving his head up a honey pot. When you're not appearing on Extra, you're showing up in Grease Live, in the background of tourists' selfies when they're trying to get a discount at Sephora, in the comments when someone is sharing a #TBT on Facebook, and scribbling your name in books at Barnes and Noble that you didn't even write. Can't you just accept the fact that you still look hot all these years after Saved by the Bell and give it a rest?
Should Mario Lopez Delete His Account? Sí.
PANIC! AT THE DISCO