Bad news: We have to wait an entire year to watch Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Zac Efron slather themselves in baby oil and slow-mo jog on the beach in Baywatch. Even worse news: Production on the film has officially wrapped, which means no more set photos of Efron's perfectly spray-tanned biceps. Sad! However, there is some good news: Paramount Pictures has released the first official cast photo for us to drool over (Note: Paramount Pictures and MTV are both owned by Viacom).
Except, dear readers, there is nothing remotely drool-worthy about this photo. Why are The Rock and Efron so covered up? What is the point of a Baywatch movie if nobody is shirtless? Does brand integrity mean nothing anymore?!
In fact, we have so many questions about this image, we've compiled them into one very convenient list. We'll be eagerly awaiting your reply, Mr. Johnson.
1. Why is Zac Efron covered up?
2. Didn't he get into crazy shape specifically for this role?
3. Does he feel like this movie is Oscar-worthy enough for a glimpse of D? This is an R-rated movie, after all. (Male nudity is progressive, Efron! Don't be afraid of it.)
4. Why are his legs a different color than his face?
5. Did he and DJ get their spray tans together? (Aww!)
6. No, seriously. His legs are really freaking me out. Did he accidentally use The Rock's tanner?
7. Do you think he ever considered calf implants?
8. I, personally, love Zefron's legs, but I know that's an insecurity some guys have. Zefron, if you're reading this, your legs are perfect. Don't listen to the haters. But, like, maybe ease up on the tanner, OK?
9. Why isn't he riding a shark in this photo? He loves sharks.
10. Why are they all wearing different kinds of shoes?
11. What did Alexandra Daddario and Kelly Rohrbach do to deserve being barefoot?
12. Aren't their feet hot?
13. This is hot sand, right?
14. What are those red slippers on Ilfenesh Hadera's feet?
15. Are they water shoes? If so, that seems practical compared to everyone else.
16. What is keeping Rohrbach's bikini top from falling off?
17. What kind of boob sorcery is this?!
18. Are Daddario's eyes actually open?
19. Were her eyes too radiantly blue for the sun?
20. Or did they blend into the ocean?
21. Why is The Rock wearing a shirt? Rude.
22. Were his bulging quads suppose to distract us from his fully-clothed body? If so, it's not working. Though, DAMN DJ. Nice quads.
23. Is Jon Bass's character the dopey, funny one?
24. Where the hell is Priyanka Chopra?
25. Will Priyanka Chopra be in the next cast photo?
26. Please look at Priyanka Chopra and tell me why she's not in this photo.
Baywatch hits theaters May 19, 2017, and I'll be impatiently waiting for The Rock and Zefron's shirtless bods until then.