Sis … where do I begin?
Did the shuttering of Preserve cause you to lose your mind? That's the only reason to explain why you twirled your XOXO ass on a red carpet for an alleged child molester, snagged a shot from Getty Images for the ‘Gram, then captioned it "L.A. face with an Oakland booty." For one thing, you're from Tarzana, which is in the fucking Valley, not Oakland. Second, the name of the song is "Baby Got Back," not "Baby Got Wack." Third, I have serious doubts that you've ever set foot in Oakland in your entire life. You know who writes this type of caption? Some soccer mom on her way to read The Da Vinci Code for the third time in book club, because "it's just full of so many twists and, oh, did I forget to buy brie at Trader Joe's? I should text Karen to buy some."
I'd like to call you a problematic fave, but I'm not sure you're anyone's fave beyond Ryan Reynolds and Us Weekly. I'm concerned there's some sort of gas leak at your house, because you and Ryan are collectively doing the most lately. I have not forgotten the time he said you were the “Beyoncé of red carpets,” as if Beyoncé herself isn't the main attraction of every red carpet she stomps onto. And if you're ever unlucky enough to be on the red carpet with her, you're like Agamemnon marching into Clytemnestra's murderous arms. Beyoncé will slaughter you. Because Beyoncé is the Beyoncé of red carpets. Your red carpet aesthetic is best described by Aretha Franklin.
Let's get one thing straight about the phrase "L.A. face with the Oakland booty" from Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." (Who would have ever thought that in the Year of Our Lord 2016 the lines "Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt" and "L.A. face with the Oakland booty" would be at the forefront of so much celebrity drama?) It's loaded with a lot of shit white people might not understand from a casual listen on the jukebox at Dave & Buster's during a Tuesday night happy hour with their coworkers. Remember all the drama from the line "Becky with the good hair" from Lemonade and how Becky is a catch-all term for a white girl, and "good hair" refers to the racial connotations that come with straight, European hair being called "good" and the kinky, natural hair of black women being "bad"? Well, "L.A. face with the Oakland booty" operates the same way. "L.A. face" refers to the white, American beauty standard. Something you possess. It's why the Daily Mail publishes your photo so many damn times you'd think you were about to pop out a royal baby. "Oakland booty" refers to a large derrière, an undesirable butt that Jane Fonda workout tape enthusiasts from L.A. wouldn't be caught dead with. It's the reason you take SoulCycle classes. It's why you have Pressed Juicery on speed dial. It's the type of ass that the Kardashians or white people turn into a circus attraction like Saartjie Baartman. You don't have an Oakland booty. You have a Burbank booty. Anyway, I've taken up enough of your time. You can return to promoting your shark movie. It looks good.
Should Blake Lively Delete Her Account? Indeed. Gwyneth Paltrow has earned her Instagram account because she slaves away every day on goop.com blog posts. You closed Preserve. What have you earned?!