Lady Problems: Reservoir Bitches And Ghost Ships

Everyone knows the new Ghostbusters trailer is just 'feminazi propaganda'

Lady Problems is a weekly column that looks at how the entertainment industry — and its corresponding culture and constituents — is treating women in a given week. (Hint: It will almost always be “poorly.”) Every Thursday we’ll review the week’s most significant woman-centric conflicts, then provide a brilliant solution to each problem that nobody in Hollywood will ever listen to or enforce.

The Lady Problem: Where to begin with The Hollywood Reporter's new interview with Woody Allen, ostensibly conducted to promote his new Amazon show with Miley Cyrus but actually just promoting the horror show that is Woody Allen's own life? Where. To. Begin. I suppose we can begin with the most egregiously disgusting portion, in which Woody Allen discusses his "paternal" relationship with his wife Soon-Yi, who was once his ex-wife Mia Farrow's daughter. You know the one. When asked how Soon-Yi has "changed" him, Allen replies:

Oh, well, one of the great experiences of my life has been my wife. She had a very, very difficult upbringing in Korea: She was an orphan on the streets, living out of trash cans and starving as a 6-year-old. And she was picked up and put in an orphanage. And so I’ve been able to really make her life better. I provided her with enormous opportunities, and she has sparked to them. She’s educated herself and has tons of friends and children and got a college degree and went to graduate school, and she has traveled all over with me now. She’s very sophisticated and has been to all the great capitals of Europe. She has just become a different person. So the contributions I’ve made to her life have given me more pleasure than all my films.

Woody Allen believes he is a white savior to his own wife, who was once, for all intents and purposes, his daughter. Relatedly, this is the creepiest fucking quote of all time.

Likely after swallowing his own vomit, interviewer Stephen Galloway reiterates the question. "You’re saying how you changed her. How has she changed you?" Allen blathers on about how Soon-Yi has "given him a lot of pleasure" and a "wonderful life." (BRB, taking 12 showers.) Again, Galloway asks, "But has she changed you in any way?" Allen replies, "Changed me? I don’t know if you could say she changed me. I don’t know if I’ve changed. I might be the same person I was when I was 20. I’m not sure. I mean, I seem to have the same habits, the same work habits, the same phobias, the same enjoyments. I don’t think I have changed much over the years at all. When you mention it, I try and think about the ways [I’ve changed]. I don’t know if I’ve changed much."

Woody Allen has not changed since he was 20. He has the "same habits," the "same enjoyments." What are Woody Allen's enjoyments and habits? According to this interview, they are not watching TV, or watching films, or reading books. According to the allegations of Mia Farrow's daughter Dylan, they are molesting children.

Allen also explains that he never reads his own press, and as such, the scandal surrounding his relationship with Soon-Yi never bothered him. "I was immune, yes I was," says Allen. "You can see I worked right through that, undiminished. Made films all through those years and at the same rate I was making them. I'm good that way. I am very disciplined and very monomaniacal and compartmentalized." Galloway reiterates: "So you weren't traumatized by the scandal?" Allen replies, "Oh, no. Not in the slightest." Later, he explains that he sleeps "like a dead person."

Woody Allen sleeps soundly and completely immune to all of the pedophiliac horror he has unleashed on the planet.

The Solution: First, we'll all agree to stop interviewing Woody Allen in hopes that everybody forgets about Woody Allen. Then, one night, while Woody Allen is sleeping the sleep of a dead person next to his onetime child bride, we will carry his body to a ship. The ship will be manned by vengeful ghosts. We will salute the ghosts as they ferry Woody Allen to the middle of the ocean. When Woody Allen wakes up, he will be alone in the middle of the ocean on a ghost ship. He will not notice that he is alone in the middle of the ocean on a ghost ship, and he will dress for his Monday-night show at the Carlyle, as he has done every Monday for the last 800 years. He will take his clarinet, open the door to walk out onto 76th Street, and plummet into the ocean below.

The Lady Problem: Screencrush's Mike Sampson took one for the team this week by staring directly into the dark heart of YouTube. What he found there was all at once unsurprising, stupid, and depressing: One of the most disliked videos on YouTube (more than 500,000 "thumbs down" votes) is the trailer for Paul Feig's upcoming all-female Ghostbusters reboot. First of all, I agree that this trailer was particularly unfunny and strangely paced, but we all know that's not the reason it's being downvoted. No, all we need do is direct our eyes to the comments section of this YouTube video — and, really, to the comments section of the Great American Experiment, i.e., the straight, white, American male (SWAM) — to understand why the trailer is so detested.

As Vulture's Kyle Buchanan put it, "Comments underneath the trailer include swipes like ‘This movie is pure feminazi propaganda,' and ‘When are people going to learn that women aren't funny?' while a YouTube search for the trailer is more likely to produce angry reaction videos like ‘5 Reasons the Ghostbusters Trailer SUCKS,' each one advertised with a very chill thumbnail image, like a guy flipping the bird or a guy cocking a finger to his head like he’s about to blow his brains out." Sampson adds that there's a concerted effort among these masturbating-using-their-own-tears-as-lube commenters to "get it to a million!" and there are "reports across the web that angry fans are using bots to artificially drive up the ‘dislikes' on the trailer." Mmmm. SWAMs. What a gift!

The Solution: Let's first address the dead elephant in the room: This is a very boring thing for a human being to be mad about. Like, imagine caring this much about a trailer. I almost feel sorry for these SWAMs. But then I don't. By way of solving this patently idiotic problem, Hollywood is going to double the fuck down on female-centric movies. Every SWAM touchstone will be remade with an all-female cast and an all-female crew. Goodfellas will become Goodfillies. Reservoir Dogs will become Reservoir Bitches. The Usual Suspects will be The Usual Suspettes. Taxi Driver will stay Taxi Driver, because women can be taxi drivers.

The Lady Problem: Speaking of men in positions of power doing unspeakable things with little repercussion, Page Six is reporting that Chris Evans — not the Captain of America himself, but another Chris Evans, of whom I've never heard, who hosts a BBC show called Top Gear — has been accused of regularly exposing himself to his employees, both female and male. One Top Gear staffer, Rowan Somerville, put it thusly (and poetically) on Facebook: “I remember those naked days … that first naked moment … it wasn’t yet dawn at [The Big Breakfast studio] Old Ford Lock and then it was there … an emanation of orange, like autumn come early … as if there was a russet colored burst of life from a not very dangerous firework …” Nicola Gooch, another staffer, chimed in, "Yes Rowan I was subjected to that. Though for me it was more like a baby minnow helplessly flapping for life on a pile of beach leaves." This initially humorous tone belied Gooch's actual feelings on the matter, which she revealed shortly thereafter in another post: "Let’s see how long before this gets out whether the BBC will want to cover up — figuratively speaking — again. I was supposed to be running the show when he [did] it and felt v embarrassed and undermined — f–k knows what a young runner must have felt about it. Or did everyone just laugh and think it was funny?”

The Solution: Shit, somebody stop Woody Allen's ghost ship. It can't have gone very far. Just follow the stench of Old Gross Man. Woody Allen will scooch over and make room for Chris Evans (again, not the dreamy one, who has never, as far as I know, exposed himself to unwilling coworkers). The two will live out their remaining days in the middle of the sea, subsisting on seagull hearts.

The Lady Problem: The Directors Guild of America released their "80 Best-Directed Films of All Time" list this week. Seventy-nine of these films were directed by men. One was directed by a woman (The Hurt Locker, by Kathryn Bigelow). One was directed by a ghost-ship passenger (Annie Hall, by Woody Allen).

The Solution: The DGA has more than 15,000 members. According to its own extremely defensive "DGA Diversity Q&A" page ("Why doesn’t the Guild admit more women and minorities?" is one question it poses to itself), only 22.7 percent of those members are women. (As a fun bonus fact, roughly 10 percent of members are not white. Moving on.) Stanley Kubrick, who appears on this list no fewer than five times, will rise from the dead. He will jerkily stumble to the home of the male DGA contingent (rumor has it they all live together in a humble castle in Florida). He will stand at the castle window until, one by one, each of them notices his mobile corpse and runs, screaming, into the night, effectively quitting the DGA (you have to stay on castle premises at all times in order to qualify for membership). Meanwhile, the 22-percenters will rise up from their desert commune and take control of the organization. For lunch each day, they will erect a make-your-own-omelette station atop a pile of Woody Allen DVDs until all of them have melted.


VMAs 2017