The 2016 Presidential Candidates On The Superhero Registration Act

Clinton, Sanders, Cruz, and Trump on the drama at the center of Captain America: Civil War

Gathered in Union Square in New York City, on a slightly chilly morning in May 2016, the presidential candidates from the Democratic and Republican parties have gathered for an unprecedented debate to discuss the Superhero Registration Act. Are they for it or against it? Let's find out.

Bernie Sanders:
I love how idealistic the youth are in this country. They wonder, why can’t we receive free health care and college tuition? They ask, why does the world constantly have to be under attack by the Green Goblins, the Ultrons, the Galactuses?

Audience cheers uproariously for Sanders.

Sanders:
People are fed up with the status quo that tells us we're owed less, even though we work just as hard as generations did before. People are fed up with a government that caters to the top 1 percent while still not managing to stop HYDRA from infecting the government from the inside. People have a right to be angry. What good is forcing Spider-Man to expose his identity? Would it make it safer to know who on the subway is a superhero? Or would it make the world more dangerous and your morning commute more prone to attacks? All it would do is make it easier for the government and the top 1 percent to manipulate this information and keep it from the public. I'm with Captain America. The government has let us down! And we don't need to give them that chance again! That's why I'm against the Superhero Registration Act.

Hillary Clinton:
You know, I agree with Senator Sanders. I hate that the world is constantly under attack by forces the government can't protect us from. We need superheroes. But we also need to follow the law. Do you know how many mutants there are in society? I don't think all of them are bad, but there are definitely extremist mutants who wish to do us harm. If we know who they are, it's easier not only for the government to keep them in check, but for the X-Men to keep their own in check — for the Avengers, for the Fantastic Four to protect us.

Sanders:
So, are you for the Superhero Registration Act or not?

Clinton:
We need to follow the law.

Audience Member:
Girl, answer the question!

Sanders:
What she said.

Audience cheers uproariously for Sanders.

Audience Member:
[Whispers] I'm not with them, I'm still voting for Hillary...

Clinton:
I am against the Registration Act as it stands now. I don't want to round up superheroes who protect us. So, uh, I think we need to change the law.

Donald Trump:
The law is great. We have great police officers in our nation who have been very disrespected, very put upon. They do the hard work. These superheroes just come into town and they destroy our homes, take our homes, and make it unsafe. And the mutants, they're dangerous. We need to get ‘em out. We need to bring people in and we need to bring them in legally. And we need to make Tony Stark pay for it!

Clinton:
Tony Stark is paying for it, it's why he's aligned with the government.

Trump:
[Makes face at her]

Ted Cruz:
I am pro-superhero registration. I wanna know where these people live. Like Black Widow. She's so lovely. I'd stop by her home just to hang out. Black Widow, like America, is best —

Carly Fiorina:
You told me you weren't the Zodiac killer, but your rhetoric is very concerning.

Ben Carson:
I once left a sponge in a patient’s head, but I still don't see why we have to have a superhero named Black Panther in the first place. Why point out that he's black? Why must we make these divisions among race, even with our superhero names? I personally don’t see color.

Fiorina:
Why … are you here?

Carson:
If they invited you back, literally anything is fair game here.

The Avengers arrive. Thor points his mighty hammer at Donald Trump.

Thor:
Halt! This man before you is an extraterrestrial shape-shifter.

Everyone else shrugs.

Carson:
And?

Sanders:
I think we assumed as much.

Clinton:
Yeah. Duh.

We see Kasich, who has so far gone unnoticed, standing behind Tony Stark like he belongs there.

Trump:
Kasich, what are you doing over there?

Kasich:
Oh, me? I’m just here with my friends. It’s us, the Avengers!

Hulk:
Who this?

Everyone exchanges a glance.

Kasich:
Cool cool cool. So [mimes talking into a cell phone] you guys will call me later for the ol' superhero BBQ?

Tony Stark:
Is he a shape-shifter too? Let me punch him.

End.