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More From The Secret Diary Of Jeb! Bush

Story of my life, man. Story. Of. My. Life.

Dear Diary:

Well. I did it. I sucked it up -- sucked it up hard -- and endorsed The Cruz. And then I said picking up Carly was a "smart move."

Pretty sure people bought it. I mean, idk. It was nice to be asked what I thought! Like the old days! CNN came by, I put on some pants and everything. ("Everything" being a couple of squirts of Visine and some Glade plug-ins. I like the "Rosemary and Sage" scent. Herbal. Lol.)

But, tbh, Diary, I was super happy to swap 'em out for the cargo shorts and go chill on the veranda when it was over. They kept pressing me on Trump. Would I vote for him, have I forgiven him, would I vote for Clinton to keep him out of office … I dodged and weaved like I do when Columba catches me coming back late from the beach!

You know what I think, Diary: That candy-colored mofo doesn't want the job any more than I did! His campaign began as a stunt and he's been "Springtime for Hitlering" it since. His ideal outcome is to ride into Cleveland ahead in delegates but then lose to Ted in a nasty, cynical manipulation of the rules: It's a lose-win! He gets to have come in first place but will never have to suffer a humiliating loss to Hillary. He gets to say "I told you so" until the end of his days!

Which, omg, is awesome. I would have lost my campaign for governor if I'd known how great it felt to be the Republican Savior That Got Away.

Obviously, when this cycle rolled around I was much better at not wanting it. I was losing way before anyone else. Donald is getting dangerously close to actually getting the 1,237 delegates -- it's like he's not even trying to not be president!

I mean, props to him on that foreign policy speech, which was, as far as I can tell, written using Google auto-complete and delivered like an eighth-grade book report. And saying that if Hillary were a man, she'd only be getting 5 percent of the vote? DID YOU SEE MARY PAT? If you watch in slow motion, you can see the exact moment when he loses over 50 percent of female Republicans. Poor Chris, I think he's still writing "Vice-President Christie" in his diary with hearts for dots in the "i"s. For a Jersey tough guy, he's awfully gullible.

If Donald really wants to signal his disinterest in governing, he should go all-in on "woman card" stuff. It broadcasts (heh) "I have no desire to win a single Northeast state" pretty clearly. Maybe give another "policy" (lol) speech, too. See, he's been splitting up "I am against Obamacare" and "but I think everyone should have access to basic services and the government should pay for it," which is ... subtle. And, if there's one thing I know for sure, voters do not get subtlety. (Please clap.) SO, like, careful, Donald, you might actually get the nomination!

But maybe if he gives more "low-energy" policy speeches (STEALING MY SHTICK!) and continues to jam a bunch of conflicting thoughts together in the same paragraph, the way that he did with "the world has lost respect for us" and "but we should abandon our allies," well, maybe he'll seem as nonsensical as he needs to be if he's really serious about not being serious.

Otoh: If Donald succeeds at not getting the nomination, it'll be Ted on TV non stop for four months. Upside: Nationwide nausea ends obesity epidemic! Haha, that's good. I should see if Hillary needs a Health and Human Services director! I will suggest she hire my surgeon general recommendation as well, Dr. Weedy McPotsmokerson.

ANYHOO. Gotta run. Marco's coming over later. We're gonna do a bury-the-hatchet ceremony. Obviously I suggested smoking the "peace pipe," maybe lighting some Koch brothers donations on fire or something, but he's training for a 5k. Which probably means he'll run for a few blocks, then lose interest and have his staff carry him, but I can respect his delusions. Story of my life, man. Story. Of. My. Life.



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